


in the crease

by sapphee



Series: Overly Honest Methods: Hockey Science Edition [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Acronyms, Derek "Nursey" Nurse is Unchill, F/M, Facebook, Getting Together, Instagram, M/M, Momfords and Son, Multi, Pining, Sir Dex Blushes-a-Lot, Social Media, Texting, There's also a brief mention of Kent/Tater somewhere probably, Traditional story format too, Tumblr, Twitter, email, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-22 21:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7454938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphee/pseuds/sapphee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Samwell Men's Hockey has been invited to attend a hockey science conference, but before that, Nursey and Dex have to improve their relationship so that no one thinks Ransom and Holster faked their data. i.e., they have to redo all those dates they did for that hockey experiment. [Law and Order voice] This is their story.</p><p>[Stefon voice] This fic has <i>everything</i>: Nursey's four moms, mutual pining, Ransom and Holster trying to get engaged, Nursey and Dex's dates revisited, and then some!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE 10/27/16: This has officially been copy-edited. Major changes: making Bitty and Holster use proper caps, an added line here and there.
> 
> **Thank you so much to printician on ao3, who got me thinking about how else I could drag this out and is very much responsible for the existence of this ridiculous series' part 4. :D
> 
> I told a lot of people in the comments of previous works in this series that there was going to be one more fic, which was the hockey science conference, and then that would be the end of it. But then I started thinking about the months leading up to the conference, and this was the result. So this is the second to last thing and then there's one more (shorter than this) that will be about the actual conference.
> 
> I'm not done writing this at the time of posting, and as someone who has only ever found one-shots to be doable, writing this multi-chaptered thing is a bit scary. I don't like starting things I can't finish BUT I've actually written about 6 chapters of this thing already before I got impatient and wanted to put some of it up. I'm estimating there to be 8 chapters in total probably? I'll try to post a chapter every few days because I'm still writing new chapters and editing the ones I have already written. 
> 
> I think it helped that I started writing this thinking that this would be a one-shot and thus I could do it, before it started getting long enough for me to start thinking about breaking it up into chapters (and like I said, I got impatient). That being said, these are now in chapters but not through any kind of organization at all, other than saying to myself "oh hey I've reached 3000 words, time to open up a new document!" so consider yourself warned! 
> 
> I hope you like it! Thanks to Ngozi for Check Please <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HOLTZY: You know you have to send the report to everybody eventually  
> HOLTZY: We promised we would do that in exchange for helping with our research.  
> RANS: yes but  
> HOLTZY: I know  
> HOLTZY: But you gotta
> 
> [Ransom has been dragging his feet on sending out their hockey science report for a month now. so Holster bribes him. What? There's a hockey science conference? Also, Nursey and Dex move into the Haus.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This picks up a little bit before the end of "a matter of two," specifically the night before Ransom and Holster go pick Nursey and his moms up from the airport (and fit in some time to hang out with Chowder and Caitlin, too <3).

Fri, Aug 5, 2016, 3:06 AM  
**Holtzy** renamed the conversation **a home is not the haus**.

HOLTZY: Babe, I know you’re avoiding me.

RANS: i am so not

HOLTZY: You’re not replying to any of my snaps or texts or DMs.

RANS: we are in the same room. the same BED in case you haven’t noticed

HOLTZY: But you won’t even talk to me and I know why

HOLTZY: You know you have to send the report to everybody eventually

HOLTZY: We promised we would do that in exchange for helping with our research.

RANS: yes but

HOLTZY: I know

HOLTZY: But you gotta

RANS: you could always send it out yourself

HOLTZY: And sleep alone for a week? No thanks, I like sex.

RANS: this is what i mean when i say you have no game. whatsoever.

HOLTZY: But all the class!!!

HOLTZY: Listen, if you send it out before we pick up Nursey/meet with Chowds, I will do the thing

RANS: really? but you’ve been saying that for weeks

HOLTZY: B/c I keep forgetting that they are finally home from their honeymoon! But I will definitely get to it if you do it. It’s THAT important.

HOLTZY: The team, nay, the whole world needs to know of our findings so we can start a revolution

RANS: april and march can decide whether they both want to be there, but we both def must be present

HOLTZY: OFC. But this can’t happen if you don’t send out our report to the team google group.

CHOWDER: oh my god pls don’t

CHOWDER: if you’re going to negotiate a foursome pls don’t do it in the group chat and without the other two people present

RANS: chowder how DARE you accuse us of such things

HOLTZY: Why are you even up?

CHOWDER: i’m three hrs behind remember? doing last-min packing before i fly out and had wanted to ask you about a meeting spot

CHOWDER: i was neither expecting nor wanting to find out whatever this is

HOLTZY: First of all, we are talking about potential wedding venues. April and March just got married in NYC, and we wanted their opinions on locations.

RANS: not that it’s going to be that soon bc we should prob be Responsible and wait until our families can attend but also bc neither of us has proposed yet

RANS: DISB NO PROPSING

HOLTZY: DIBS ON PROPOSIGN

HOLTZY: Damn. That’s a draw. Again.

RANS: secondly, we alrdy negotiated the 4sum last week get with the program

HOLTZY: Thirdly, if Ransypoo hadn’t been avoiding me everywhere else, I wouldn’t have had to resort to the group chat.

HOLTZY: Lastly, the McD’s before security is fine.

LARDO: plz venmo the sin bin and shut up let me fucking sleep. if rans doesn’t want to send the fucking report i will do it since i have the file from when we had to ratify it okay?

LARDO: you may have some part of your life together already but i do not, which means i have TWO JOB INTERVIEWS IN THE FUCKING MORNING just go the fuck to sleep god just shut the fuck up

RANS: but your honor (good luck!!!!)

SHITS: listen to her brahs. you’re cutting into naked snuggle time :<

LARDO: you made me chief justice of the senior jury, so i make the rules. and blame team holsom for that shits get your ass back over here GOOD FUCKING NIGHT

HOLTZY: Your honor, please Venmo the Sin Bin.

CHOWDER: you are ALL fined. ALL OF YOU have to put $ into the sin bin

CHOWDER: sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

—

from:  **Justin Oluransi** <salmonshortsftw@gmail.com>  
to:  **SMH 2015-2016**  <samwellmenshockey1516@googlegroups.com>, **Jack L. Zimmermann** <jlzimmermann15@gmail.com>, **Shitty Knight** <pornstache69@gmail.com>, **John Johnson** <amatterofredorblue@gmail.com>, **April and March** <calendargalpals@gmail.com>, **Alexei Mashkov** <hahatinypotatoes@gmail.com>  
date:  **Fri, Aug 5, 2016, at 3:41 am  
** subject:  **date study report**

hey everybody sorry for the delay! we finished writing it up about a month ago but i wanted to wait a little bit to see if some of our observations would still hold true after some time passed, and they did. it’s not good or bad that they did, just… interesting. actually it is kind of bad but that’s just my opinion. it doesn’t really matter. anyway here it is.

**It’s a Date study report final final final.pdf**

thanks so much to everyone for helping us out! <3

\--  
h♥ls♥m

—

They have a bit of time to kill before Chowder’s aunt comes to pick up Chowder and his family—“She’s really my mom’s cousin’s sister-in-law, but I’m not sure what to call her? In English _or_ Cantonese? Um”—so all thirteen of them head over to a McDonald’s in the airport, separating into two tables, everyone’s luggage barricading the tables. Chowder’s two younger sisters follow Chowder’s mother to the parents’ table, while four former and current hockey players squish themselves into a four-person booth meant for non-hockey players and try to make room for Cait, who rolls her eyes and grabs a chair from nearby.

“That’s smart,” Nursey nods at her. “You wouldn’t have wanted to get in on this anyway; hockey players are gross.”

“ _So_ gross,” Ransom agrees, almost fervently. He and Holster set timers on their phones for thirty minutes, but they’re still checking every two seconds, even though BFS is a saint in new places and sleeps soundly wherever, like the backseat of a car in a darkened airport parking lot. “This past summer, Holtzy and I have been slowly figuring out that the rest of the world just doesn’t live like we do.”

“People in the Real World apparently don’t share day-old socks, not even good luck ones. It’s barbaric,” Holster says, as he inhales his burger and fries. Nursey looks on enviously while munching on his salad because McDonald’s isn’t exactly the greatest place to eat for a current college hockey defenseman (or for Mum, actually), but he lets himself steal a fry from Ransom. Or seven. Ransom just rolls his eyes and steals fries from Holster.

“Nobody _anywhere_ does that,” Cait says. She’s eating a salad, too, though she exercises more restraint than Nursey and doesn’t help herself to Ransom’s fries. “And I don’t know, Chris isn’t too bad.”

He knows what’s going to happen as soon as Cait says it, but he still flinches.

“FOINE!” Holster and Ransom exclaim as Chowder blushes, before exchanging a high-five. Their voices carry… everywhere. They are so lucky they’re the only ones here.

“You’re no longer on the team,” Cait points out ruthlessly, and they start to cry. Nursey wants to, too, while Chowder looks like his eyes are already more watery than Ransom’s and Holster’s. “You can’t fine him anymore.”

“Rude,” Ransom sniffles. He and Holster try to rise out of their seats; it’s only Nursey’s quick reflexes that allow his legs to trap theirs and keep them seated.

“Chill. It’s only been twelve minutes.” So he’s been checking, too, but who wouldn’t, okay. BFS is a _baby_. “Remind me to give you the shirt when we get to your van, Rans.”

Holster glares while Ransom gives him a beatific smile.

“I wonder what the Sin Bin funds will be used for this year?” Holster rubs his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t suppose—”

Thank goodness for Chowder. “More pie? Or a soufflé! Bitty’s been pining after the ceramic ramekins from Williams-Sonoma for ages now. Or rainbow cookies. I love rainbow cookies. We should make a list.”

Cait offers up a pen, and everybody but Nursey starts listing suggestions. What _will_ that money be used for now? Will it all really go toward Bitty’s baking? Not that he’s complaining, because he likes to think of himself as a pretty chill dude, but they’re hockey players and have to keep in shape and—

“Nursey? You haven’t suggested anything yet. Are you okay?”

Nursey looks down to see an entire napkin already covered in ink. Mostly because Ransom seems to be taking the doctor track pretty seriously, which is to say that he can’t write legibly for shit. “Sorry. I think I’m getting tired.”

Someone calls to them in Mandarin, and Chowder turns, giving the woman an uncertain smile and reciprocating her greeting haltingly. She then walks over to the parents’ table, and Nursey can hear Chowder’s dad introducing his moms.

“I don’t know how else to say this and don’t _want_ to say it like this because it’s not 2010 and I’m not fourteen,” Chowder says, “but TFW you understand the language but don’t know how to say stuff back.”

“In the spirit of it not being 2010, I know that feel, bro,” Nursey says sympathetically. “Kind of. It’s different for me, obviously. French and Haitian Creole.”

“Wait, Chowder, but don’t you,” Holster starts, but stops. “Sorry.”

“White people often think ‘Chinese’ and ‘Mandarin’ are interchangeable, but there are actually many languages under the Chinese umbrella. Knowing one doesn’t always mean understanding another,” Chowder shrugs. Nursey knows that shrug; it’s tinged with the fatigue that comes with having to explain the same thing millions of times. “I can figure out what she’s saying because I’ve been taking classes and Cantonese and Mandarin are similar enough, but that’s about it.”

“Wow. I didn’t know. Thank you for telling me,” Holster says sincerely.

“As we would’ve probably said in 2010, hashtag multilingual diaspora problems,” Nursey jokes, and Chowder gives him a fist bump.

“Sweetie, your phone,” Cait says.

“Oh! Hi, Dex! Yep, flight was good. Yes, they’re still here. Do you want to talk to Nursey?” Chowder takes his phone off his ear and gives Nursey a completely earnest, guileless look that only an entire being made of sunshine can give. “Dex said he tried calling you after your flight got in, but you didn’t answer?”

“Uh.” Dex called thrice, actually, but who’s counting?

Holster and Ransom’s phones beep, and they yelp, startling nearby people heading for security checkpoints or bathrooms. “BFS, WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!”

—

Dex pulls up to their house, quietly closing the car door and opening the trunk. He hands off two suitcases to Jess before he takes two for himself and carries them to the house to keep the suitcase wheels from touching the gravel. Each of his parents takes one of his little twin brothers.

“I’ll lock the car. You bring these inside,” Dex whispers before Jess can open her mouth, running to the car. Jess makes soft chicken noises at him, but so what? He doesn’t go out looking for trouble, would prefer to ignore the offender if provoked because confrontation is not his way. If anything—

 Nope. Not happening. He’s not going to think about him until he has to.

—

Nursey trudges up the stairs to the attic with something that feels like trepidation, but it can’t be, because he is a chill bro who doesn’t feel those kinds of things. Pushing the door open with one shoulder, he unceremoniously drops his boxes into the room and looks around.

Empty. Not of stuff, of course, but one side of the room is empty and neither bunk bed has been made. But didn’t Dex get here the night before? He’s not here right now, at any rate; thank goodness, because Nursey isn’t sure how he can face him right now.

Chowder’s humming can be heard from downstairs, but even that isn’t loud enough to distract him from the relief that washes over him. Though it can’t be relief, because relief is pretty close to chill, and relief always stems from _something_. Nursey doesn’t feel those _something_ s.

Traffic wasn’t bad at all, and Chowder and Cait’s chatter helped pass the time while he drove. They beat Bitty here, but that’s fine; Bitty’s first order of business is always food, and he isn’t hungry anyway.

He thumbs open his phone and stares at the group chat for the tenth time that morning, his fingers trembling as he types into the box, **haus sweet h—**.

“Hey.”

Nursey jumps. Dex tanned over the summer, his hair having grown out just the tiniest bit past his usual monthly haircut. Nursey gives him a relaxed, natural smile because he is always chill and because Dex is _not_ checking out his “SUN’S OUT GUNS OUT” tank and “SUN’S OUT BUNS OUT” shorts. Or his lobster tattoo. “Hey. Sorry I didn’t pick up the other day; things got hectic. You didn’t sleep here last night?”

“Oh, I did. On the floor.” Dex clears his throat. “I…didn’t know which bunk you wanted. Also, that’s fine.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” To be honest, Nursey didn’t know if he would definitely be living in the attic until the day before; he’s been playing around with the idea of begging Chowder to switch or to let him bunk with him. Or camping out in (on?) the Reading Room. “I was wondering if you could MacGyver this thing into separate beds, actually. If you’re okay with cutting down on walking space. Since you don’t like heights, but you’re also allergic to dust.”

Dex turns, studying the bed. “I can do that. Good idea.” His phone buzzes as Nursey’s beeps, and Dex reaches into his pocket.

“I could help,” Nursey says suddenly, his shoulders already apologetically shrugging. “I mean, I—”

“No, I—”

They stop and look at each other, and he is grateful for how his skin hides his flush. Dex, not so much.

Their phones send out another alert, and Dex beats him to it, opening up the group chat. “Bitty’s here. He wants us to help him bring in the groceries.”

“Alright.” Nursey turns to leave.

“Do you. Do you need help moving in?”

“I’m good. Thanks. Need help with the bunk bed?”

“Might need you _and_ C, but later. I’m going to check that I actually have the right tools for this, so you can go downstairs first.”

“Right. Okay.” Nursey moves down two steps. “Hope your summer was good.”

“It was. Yours looked good, too,” Dex says, without bite. “I. Nurse. Derek.”

Nursey stops. “That’s me,” he says, voice cracking.

Dex looks deliberately at his phone and gives him an uncertain smile. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says quietly.

“Me too, man. That you’re here, I mean,” Nursey says, and immediately regrets how unchill he sounds. Then he walks briskly downstairs.

—

Nursey gets roped into helping Bitty prepare sandwiches and then two pies before he realizes that Dex never actually came down to eat. “I’ll go get him,” he says, before promptly dropping a measuring cup on the floor. Thankfully, Bitty knows the Haus (and him) by now, and it doesn’t break. Though a bit of raw egg still gets everywhere. “Sorry!”

Bitty sighs fondly. “Go. At least you’re better than you were last year!”

Nursey doesn’t hear the running water until he gets back up to their room to find their desks and bookshelves moved to a corner of the room, the two beds now side by side. His brain short-circuits at the sight, and he can’t resist thinking of them pushed together.

“I’ll move it all after I finish tightening up some of the screws,” Dex says from behind him, making Nursey jump. “I just went to wash my hands.”

“You didn’t have to do all of this by yourself. I could’ve helped. I can’t believe you did this all so quickly.”

“It’s fine.” Dex shakes his head, shrugs. “I work fast.”

“Let me at least help you move all the stuff back.”

“If you want,” Dex replies, and Nursey wishes he sounded more like himself.

“But first, Bitty and I finished making lunch. You coming?” Nursey turns, nearly falling over when he realizes Dex is still right behind him. Dex catches him, his grip firm and steady as he starts to pull Nursey up, but Nursey resists the pull and remains in that weird limbo between standing upright and landing hard on his ass. “Is that…”

He turns just in time to see Dex turn pink. “I didn’t have space in my car to bring them home, so they stayed here. Come on, you said lunch, right? Let’s get going, Nurse. Nursey.”

“Okay,” Nursey says distractedly, because that doesn’t explain why the stuffed lobsters Nursey gave him last year are in Dex’s suitcase with all his sheets and clothes, and not in his dusty cardboard boxes.

—

“Don’t get me wrong, Jack—I love all the stuff you and the rest of the team have been getting into, ever since Ransom and Holster _finally_ sent out their report,” Bitty says, as he patters around the room, placing things this way and that. Jack can see the very tips of Señor Bunny’s ears at the corner of his screen. He sighs, facing Jack. “But I will miss having you to myself as much as I did last year, sweetheart.”

Jack sighs too, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know. Me, too. I’m fairly convinced Tater is just using it as an excuse to make me spend more time with him because he knows I can’t resist doing anything that’ll benefit the team.”

“Oh, I’m definitely convinced,” Bitty mutters, crawling into his bed. He cradles Señor Bunny in his arms.

“But I really think the dates are helping.” Jack gestures helplessly. “You saw Ransom and Holster’s correlations…”

Bitty buries his face into Señor Bunny’s tummy, and Jack has to hide his own smile.

“It’s fine. Really. We’ll figure it out,” Bitty yawns. “So yes, we can reschedule, honey.”

“Actually, that’s not the only reason I was calling. Or whatever this is. Skyping?”

“Skyping.” Bitty confirms. “And what else have you got for me, Mr. Zimmermann?”

“You already know that as soon as Ransom and Holster sent out the report that Tater gave it to the whole team.”

“It’s why all the team dates started and you couldn’t come meet our newest fro—tad—members before their first practice. So?”

“By team, I meant everyone. Like Georgia. Little known fact is that her wife is the granddaughter of the scientists Ransom and Holster adore, Nicholas and Jean-Claude—I don’t even know their last names—and now Georgia is planning a conference, sponsored by the Falcs. For hockey science.”

Bitty starts so violently that he falls off the bed. Jack would chirp him for it, if Bitty’s start hadn’t made him start, too, which would have prompted a never-ending circle of chirps. A chirpcle?

“They’re still alive?”

“Yeah. They’re ninety now, but are apparently still publishing their research on some kind of online community archive, after hockey science journals—most of them American—lost their funding following the 2008 U.S. financial crisis. The last of those journals, _Hockey Butt Development_ , published their final issue that June.”

“Good lord. There are more of them out there?”

“Do you mean Nicholas and Jean-Claude, or Ransom and Holster?”

“Both. All. Good lord. I.”

“You okay, Bits?”

“Not really. Do you know how scared I was for the frogs—the ex-frogs, I mean, but they’ll always be frogs to me—when they were doing those experiments? Goodness gracious, I dropped so many pies trying to get out on the ice to stop them from crashing. Especially when they were drunk. I know these boys can hold their liquor, but it was just so hard to sit there and watch! But Lardo has a strong grip. They were bruised everywhere the first time they were blindfolded! And now you’re telling me there are more people out there doing this? Professionally? Good lord.”

“I think it’s a perfectly legitimate field of study,” Jack says seriously, just to make Bitty roll his eyes, before his lip begins to wobble with laughter. “Anyway, they want Ransom and Holster to come. Actually, Nicholas and Jean-Claude asked for the whole team personally.”

“That’s great,” Bitty says sincerely. “But why tell just me?”

“Because Ransom and Holster aren’t here and can’t tell me what I want to know. They asked for _everyone_ ,” Jack says, his tone filled with meaning, and Bitty sighs. “Don’t tell Ransom and Holster I convinced you to read it with me before everyone else. How are…they?”

“Who knows, Jack. Who knows.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add more end notes if I think of more, but for the moment, I just have this bit about Chowder speaking Cantonese. I made him Cantonese-speaking and not Mandarin (national language/dialect for mainland China) not just because I speak Cantonese (badly) at home, but because both his surname and his hometown/city hint at it. 
> 
> The spelling for his surname reflects spellings associated with surnames of earlier immigrants of Chinese descent, many of whom were from Cantonese-speaking areas like Hong Kong and Guangzhou (surnames for immigrants coming from mainland China nowadays tend to use a Mandarin romanization system thingy). Also, San Francisco's Chinatown is a primarily Cantonese-speaking area. I visited SF's Chinatown for the first time earlier this year, and that's what I observed; I'm from NYC, where the Manhattan Chinatown speaks more Mandarin than in the past, so when I visited the one in SF I was like OMG I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING I NEED TO TALK TO EVERYONE despite the fact that I am very very shy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Bad Bob Zimmermann** @BadBobZimmermann ∙ 1 Sept 2016
> 
> Come join us in the CHIRPP April 2017, hosted by the Falcs! #HockeyConference2017 #HockeyScience #CHIRPP2017 #ProvidenceFalcs
> 
> [Ransom and Holster are invited to the CHIRPP as Nicholas and Jean-Claude's guests of honor. Also, Shitty is here to affirm any and all of your feelings.]

**Kent V. Parson  
** 8/31/16

| 

**4,127,686  
Loops**  
  
---|---  
  
my (second haaaaa) day with the cup (thanks to the rep for filming for me!) [Vine of Kent hoisting the Stanley Cup up in the air, skating around the rink by himself, as he sings “I’m dreeeeeaaaaaming of a hoooockey science conf’rence”]

—

 **Bad Bob Zimmermann**  @BadBobZimmermann ∙ 1 Sept 2016

Come join us in the CHIRPP April 2017, hosted by the Falcs! #HockeyConference2017 #HockeyScience #CHIRPP2017 #ProvidenceFalcs

 

 **Bad Bob Zimmermann**  @BadBobZimmermann ∙ 1 Sept 2016

The committee (CREASE) is calling for papers now. Submit yours at inthecrease.org today! #CHIRPP2017 #HockeyConference2017

 

 **The Providence Falconers**  @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 1 Sept 2016

Thanks to the Zimmermenn for leading the CREASE and helping us organize the CHIRPP! #HockeyConference2017 #CHIRPP2017 #BadBobZimmermann #JackZimmermann

**Kent V. Parson**  @kparson90 ∙ 1 Sept 2016

i want in @BadBobZimmermann @ProvidenceFalcs

 

 **The Providence Falconers**  @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 1 Sept 2016

Parse, you don’t even go here! @kparson90 #EastIsBeast #MeanFalcs #FalcYou #JustKidding

 

 **Kent V. Parson**  @kparson90 ∙ 1 Sept 2016

as a native new yorker, i won’t argue with that @ProvidenceFalcs #eastisbeast #falcyoutoo

 

 **Las Vegas Aces**  @LasVegasAces ∙ 1 Sept 2016

@ProvidenceFalcs won’t you please let us come? we’ll leave #KentParson at home, promise. also, what? #WestIsBest #CHIRPP2017

 

 **The Providence Falconers**  @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 1 Sept 2016

Fine. @LasVegasAces you can come. You can bring #KentParson if #KitPurrson follows us on Instagram. #CHIRPP2017 #HockeyConference2017

 

 **Las Vegas Aces**  @LasVegasAces ∙ 1 Sept 2016

SOLD #CHIRPP2017 #HockeyConference2017

 

 **Bad Bob Zimmermann**  @BadBobZimmermann ∙ 1 Sept 2016

Come join us in the CHIRPP April 2017, hosted by the Falcs AND the Aces! #HockeyConference2017 #CHIRPP2017 #ProvidenceFalcs #LasVegasAces

—

**Transcript of “Meet the Falconers: Goalie Edition” Video  
Posted on September 6, 2016**

SNOWY: …and that’s how you keep ten pucks coming toward you, all at once, out of your net. My personal best is twenty-three pucks and a hockey helmet. That being said, don’t try this at home!

MASHKOV: Thank you, Snowy. [looks behind himself] Very good.

SNOWY: We should get one of those machines like they have in tennis with the tennis balls? But shooting pucks instead, huh?

MASHKOV: [looks behind himself again] Yes, whatever you want, Snowy. Very, very good.

SNOWY: What’s going on? What are you looking for? Or at?

MASHKOV: Nothing. Got to go now. Goodbye, Snowy!

SNOWY: [looks into the camera like he’s on  _The Office_ ] And they say goalies are weird.

—

**Call for Papers – Committee of [Hockey] Research, Experimentation, Analysis, Science, and Examination Conference**

Sponsored by the Providence Falconers and the Las Vegas Aces, the Planning Council of the Committee of [Hockey] Research, Experimentation, Analysis, Science, and Examination (CREASE) is pleased to announce its 15th Conference for Hockey Innovations in Research, Policy, and Practice (CHIRPP), which will convene in Providence, Rhode Island, on April 19-20, 2017.

This conference invites hockey players of all levels, NHL team personnel, researchers, sports psychologists, team doctors, NHL scouts, public relations teams, and fans from all walks of life, from around the hockey world to gather. With the CHIRPP, the CREASE aims to share and discuss innovations in research methods and the latest research findings devoted to improving all aspects of hockey, including hockey butt evolution, manifestations of Stanley Cup wishes, team partnership development, as well as implications for policy and practice.

The conference is dedicated to emphasizing researchers’ contributions to the field of hockey science; attendee members of the NHL will be present in an informal capacity only.  **To make sure this is an enjoyable experience for everyone, cameras and recording devices of any kind are not permitted, attendees should refrain from soliciting autographs, and journalists are barred from this conference.**

You can find out more about the conference and contact the Planning Council at www.inthecrease.org. While admission is free, space is limited. Updated information on the program, travel and registration will be posted regularly. In honor of the CREASE’s first CHIRPP since before 2000, the Falconers and Aces will be offering 50 fans conference tickets in this giveaway. These tickets will not only guarantee your admission to the CHIRPP, but also to an exclusive live demonstration of the types of assessments that may be found in a hockey science experiment.

The conference will include oral and poster presentations, with allotted time for questions. If you have conducted research aiming to improve any aspect of hockey, we encourage you to apply!  **Online submission of abstracts will end on November 1, 2016.**  Hope to see you in the CREASE!

If you have any questions, please contact us at gmartin@inthecrease.org.

—

“Holy shit, Rans. Are you seeing this?”

“Yeah, bro. Fuck. Congrats to us, dude! I can’t believe Tater showed it to Georgia! Tater. _Georgia. TATER._  I just died and went to heaven.”

_"Dear god, Justin."_

"I'm just saying—"

“Ransom,” Jack says in his captain voice. “Put me on speaker. You’re not obligated to attend, of course. But you were personally invited to present your research as Nicholas and Jean-Claude’s guests of honor, along with the rest of the team.”

“Yes. Yes. Fuck, Rans, this is our dream come true! Thanks so much for letting us know!” Holster looks over to Ransom, who has suddenly gotten quiet. “Rans? Babe, you okay?”

“Holtzy, our research…”

Holster’s stomach sinks. “Shit, I forgot.”

“That was my reaction when Georgia told me to tell you, too,” Jack says mildly, which is basically Canadian politeness for “This is potentially a fucking crisis.” “Nicholas and Jean-Claude really want to meet you. Apparently, you’re the only ones—”

“—to have ever replicated their study,” Ransom finishes. “Yeah, I know. There are about fifteen or sixteen other big names out there, but nobody else could ever do it. Nicholas and Jean-Claude would have gotten laughed out of the field, but there weren’t any other available scientists to fulfill the Canadian roster. Thanks for forwarding the email to us, Jack.”

Ransom can practically see Jack mouth ‘Canadian roster?’ but like always, Holster is there with the assist and gives him the visual. They bump fists before Ransom tunes back in to what Jack is saying. “—increases the legitimacy of hockey science in the public eye, enough to start up the practice of holding conferences again. They’re also hoping to meet the participants in your study, in the hopes of exploring your hypotheses regarding why previous attempts to replicate it were unsuccessful. Not that I read ahead or anything. Just the abstract.”

“Jack,” Holster says in his own captain voice, which is to say that it is just a 2012-2013 Samwell Men's Hockey Captain Jack Zimmermann impersonation, though it never fails to turn Ransom on (for Canada, okay). “We need to hold a captains’ meeting. Now.”

—

**Transcript of “Meet the Falconers: Goalie Edition” Video (Raw Footage)  
Filmed on September 1, 2016**

MASHKOV: Hello, Falconer TV. Alexei again. Today I show you locker room and see if teammates here. [whispers, walks fast] Zimmboni taking off skates, but he boring, so we find Snowy now.

ZIMMERMANN: Tater.

MASHKOV: Filming, Zimmboni. Goodbye now. [walks faster]

ZIMMERMANN: Tater. Stop.

MASHKOV: [stops, but keeps camera facing forward] Yes? Something you wanted?

ZIMMERMANN: According to Bittle, Kent Parson tweeted about a hockey science conference a full day before the announcement.

MASHKOV: [turns camera back to ZIMMERMANN] This is interesting fact. But Parson is Ace, no? This is Falconer TV.

ZIMMERMANN: [studies MASHKOV closely] How. Did. He. Know.

MASHKOV: I not know, but camera losing battery. I must find Snowy before camera dead. [shaky footage of hallway]

ZIMMERMANN: [shouting after him] HOW DID THE ACES FIND OUT ABOUT THE CONFERENCE, TATER. WAS IT YOU?

MASHKOV: [guilty smile]

—

Tue, Sept 4, 2016, 12:15 PM  
**Shits**  renamed the conversation  **hockey shit book club**.

SHITS: okay ready, get set… READ

SHITS: holy shit

SHITS: fuck

SHITS: fuck fuck fuck

RANS: i’m guessing you are at the results section. meaning you READ AHEAD CHEATER

SHITS: listen i printed it out with the rest of my readings for the week and grabbed this by mistake when i was looking for something to do during lunch so that the wasps would leave me alone

SHITS: i think it’s the lack of flow tbh THEY JUST KEEP COMING

BITS: Sorry, I was finishing up my PB chocolate squares. Chowder, are you upstairs? Are the other frogs in the attic? Can you get them?

CHOWDER: sure thing bitty!

HOLTZY: What happened to calling them ex-frogs?

BITS: I thought about it and.

BITS: I can’t.

BITS: Don’t make me.

LARDO: they’re juniors now, bitty. what are you going to call the new frogs?

HOLTZY: So are Whiskey and Tango going to stay taddies?

LARDO: eggs?

BITS: Listen, I know y’all are chirping me rn, but………………yes.

WHISKEY: I’m fine with that.

HOLTZY: You are such a mom, Bits.

BITS: That’s CAPTAIN mom to you!

TANGO: am i in the same group chat as jack zimmermann?

JACK: Yes.

TANGO: oh gos h o kay i wasn’t expecting that

JACK: What were you expecting?

TANGO: i don’t know definitely not a reply?????? i don’t??? think????? i’m ready for this?????????

CHOWDER: i was like that too at first. dwai you get used to it

CHOWDER: NO OFFENSE JACK

CHOWDER: SORRY

CHOWDER: MY PREV OFFER WRT SHARKS -> FALCS STILL STANDS

JACK: How did you put it, Chowder? DWAI? DWAI.

BITS: Sorry we didn’t add you to the group earlier, Tango and Whiskey! I kind of… forgot.

WHISKEY: It’s fine.

BITS: What’s taking so long, Chowder?

CHOWDER: nursey said he heard britney spears and dex said he didn’t and now they’re pressing their ears to random areas around their room trying to hear it better

CHOWDER: unrelated but i think they were really diligent about conditioning this summer!

RANS: dontsayghostsdontsayghosts

LARDO: but doesn’t nursey’s phone play oops i did it again every time he gets a text

CHOWDER: yes they are arguing about that right now

CHOWDER: i’ve separated dex and nursey for the time being. dex is still in the attic while i’ve brought nursey down to my room

NURSEY: there is a spider in the attic. ransom, holster, there is a gigantic spider web in the attic. we were looking at it and it’s like a mosaic or something

HOLTZY: Oh yeah, that’s Charlotte’s web, but like, without Charlotte. We forgot to tell you about it because we never saw a spider there, sorry!

RANS: it’s decorated that area of the room since before we got there. isn’t it beautiful?

NURSEY: i guess? it’s just a spider web hanging out in the background

RANS: then why are you freaking out

NURSEY: i’m not. dex was the one who screamed. he’s afraid of spiders and their webs

DEX: Because one moment it was just a wall and the next moment it was THERE. Would you not freak out about it if it was suddenly there?

DEX: ALSO, I am not afraid of anything spider-related because I am NOT RON WEASLEY. You’re the one who made a scene at the Museum of Science.

NURSEY: i ““made a scene”” because you started it. YOU were the one who screamed when you saw the spiders. you always freak out at new things

DEX: I do not! And anyway, that wasn’t new. I’ve seen spider webs before. I’ve just never had a spider web literally pop up in my line of sight so suddenly like this.

NURSEY: what a liar. you’re only saying you’re not afraid because everyone else is around, but inside you are too big a coward to confront it

NURSEY: what's going to happen if you come across a living, breathing spider in the web? gonna run away again?

DEX: I can’t deal with this. With this ridiculous argument, the spider web, or you. I’ll be back later. Sister just arrived at South Station so I’m going to pick her up. Sorry, Ransom and Holster, I’ll get to reading the report later.

BITS: You didn’t tell us your sister was coming!!!!! I’ll bake her a pie

DEX: She was waitlisted for Samwell and didn’t find out until right before the term started. Volleyball scholarship.

BITS: CONGRATS TO HER!!!!

DEX: Be back in a few. Don't want to miss my bus.

SHITS: would this be a bad time to remind everyone that i am always here to talk and affirm any feelings you may have about spider webs

—

Sun, Sept 4, 2016, 4:20 PM  
**Holtzy**  renamed the conversation  **captains of industry**.

BITS: Was this necessary

BITS: I have so many group chats already. The big team group chat, me and the frogs, me and the tadpoles, me and the eggs, me and the frogs and tadpoles, me and the frogs and tadpoles and eggs

BITS: Me and Ransom and Holster, me and Jack and Shitty, me and Shitty and Lardo, me and Lardo and Jack, me and Jack and Shitty and Lardo, me and Ransom and Holster and Jack and Shitty and Lardo

BITS: Aka why does everyone include me in their group chats for birthday surprises?!

RANS: ofc it’s necessary. i'm surprised we didn't have a captains' chat before

RANS: btw bits for the one with just you me and holtzy, we gotta change up the naming theme

BITS: I VOTE BEYONCÉ HAPPY BIRTHDAY

HOLTZY: Jack, why don't you love us?

JACK: What was the point? If I texted either of you, I'd inevitably get the other. Whether I wanted to or not.

RANS: …true

CHOWDER: um why am i in this chat i’m not a captain

JACK: Not yet you aren’t.

CHOWDER: …JACK??!?!?

CHOWDER: you really think so??

JACK: Of course. You have demonstrated leadership abilities continuously and consistently, even in your first year on the team, serving as an effective mediator of conflict. I may not be on the team anymore, but I’d say that you are definitely going to be a tough candidate to beat for the captaincy.

CHOWDER: no one’s told me that before

CHOWDER: i’ve always just been the token asian kid on the hockey team, just there for body count

JACK: You’re not just a number.

BITS: I agree with Jack, Chowder!!! <3

CHOWDER: oh bitty i'm going to cry can i come to your room for a hug?

BITS: Of course!!!!!!

HOLTZY: Not that this isn’t touching (me and Rans totes mcgotes agree, too, Chowder!!!), but as the Samwell Men’s Hockey captains of the past, present, and future, it is imperative that we gather here to discuss a most important issue. That of our current junior defensemen.

CHOWDER: thank you guys!!!!

RANS: i mean it’s not that important i guess it’s just hockey science

RANS: but i’m afraid that when we meet nicholas and jean-claude, they’re going to think we faked our data

BITS: But you didn’t! I watched it all happen! Their friendship didn’t happen overnight!

RANS: right but compare the end of last year to the group chat earlier today

JACK: It was an interesting conversation.

CHOWDER: it was WORRYING. what if they hate each other forever???? :’< :’C :’(

BITS: I don’t think they hate each other, but something must have happened for them to be sniping at each other as soon as they returned to campus.

BITS: By the end of last year, it seemed like they… really liked each other.

BITS: Today, they sounded… very weird. Weirder than they usually are. Even when they were fighting all the time before, they didn’t do that.

CHOWDER: yeah nursey NEVER uses caps, not even when he’s in an argument

CHOWDER: and i always thought he felt passive-aggressive quote marks were too mainstream

CHOWDER: what do we do? can we do something? should we???

HOLTZY: More dates.

JACK: What?

BITS: what?

CHOWDER: no!! they’d kill each other for sure!!!

HOLTZY: Back me up on this, Rans.

RANS: holtzy is right. back when i was analyzing past smh defense pairings, the most similar pair to nursey and dex was the young-tran partnership, class of ’00. typically smh d-pairings take about half a semester to really establish/cement themselves; they took a full semester.

RANS: i asked coaches hall and murray if they kept previous coaches’ notes about their players in the office

RANS: young and tran were apparently always fighting but to the coaches’ relief, they started to work really well together by the end of their first semester playing together

RANS: nursey and dex technically took (or are taking) more than a year. just for science’s sake, keep me updated on how they do during practices, will you? it doesn’t need to be a formal write-up or anything

JACK: What changed for Young and Tran?

RANS: i was reading old samwell yearbooks and sometimes they have messages written by the members to the team/school/whatever and they got chirped for being one of the most boring, longest-lasting couples ever. and young’s message was a thank-you to the coaches for making them spend time together (thru drills)

RANS: and they’re holding hands in the team yearbook photo, so.

HOLTZY: Yeah, so. Dates. More of them. Or drills. But for the sake of scientific curiosity, dates.

BITS: I don’t think we can make them do it, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask?

BITS: It’s not like we have any better ideas. Asking them about what happened between them makes eating a pie baked by LAX bros in their dryer packed with dirty socks at their frat sound more appetizing. And safer.

BITS: The Sin Bin can definitely cover it.

RANS: that was oddly specific

BITS: Whiskey told me about the state of their dryer, and I still shudder at the thought of it. I almost even want to ask Dex to go over there and take a look at it for them.

HOLTZY: Ew. 

BITS: It's THAT bad.

CHOWDER: but will it be enough for your pies too?

CHOWDER: i don’t mean it in a “pie is better than nursey and dex getting along” kind of way, just. baking is really important to you. do you think there’ll be enough for your baking too?

HOLTZY: Oh shit yeah, sorry Bits, the dates really don’t have to happen.

BITS: No! It’s fine, definitely fine! Nursey and Dex are important, and anyway the money in the Sin Bin isn’t mine, it’s the team’s.

JACK: I can also cover anything, if necessary.

JACK: Or wanted.

RANS: well yeah but given what the team is like, the money would have probably been spent on beer or sriracha, not nutritious, delicious pies

JACK: "Nutritious."

BITS: Oh Jack, I don’t think that will be necessary. And shut your pie hole, Mssr. Zimmermann.

JACK: I want to help. I just don’t know how else I can.

RANS: i mean the dates would be nice for the conference and my research but i really care about how them and their relationship but also you!!

BITS: Good heavens, you’ve made me blush! But look, even if you hadn’t been doing the research / there wasn’t this conference thing, if having them go on these dates will improve their relationship, I’d still go for it.

BITS: I hate seeing them like this.

BITS: So everyone in favor of using the Sin Bin $ for their dates and asking if they would like to do this to improve their relationship?

CHOWDER: yeah

JACK: Yes.

HOLTZY: Me and Rans say yes.

BITS: Okay.

BITS: Next order of business. Who wants to do the asking?

HOLTZY: You know how we can settle this? Settlers of Catan.

JACK: Holster, no. It’s in the damn bylaws. No board games.

HOLTZY: But we’re not even in the Haus anymore!!!! And also, consider this: not a board game.

JACK: I’m listening.

HOLTZY: [ONLINE Settlers of Catan](http://www.playcatan.com/en/)

RANS: babe i love you and all but i gotta put my foot down for this one

CHOWDER: was it really that bad??

RANS: yeah let’s just say that while the haus has always been a piece of crap, there’s a reason a picture of it didn’t make it into the back of the yearbook that year

RANS: also the holes in the doors didn’t happen until after the Settlers of Catan Debacle of 2013

HOLTZY: Do you capitalize it when you say it aloud too?

RANS: yeah who do you take me for?

HOLTZY: SWAWESOME ME TOO

BITS: …Let’s not do the online thing.

JACK: It sounds interesting, though.

BITS: No……everyone, just follow my lead.

BITS: ANTI-DIBS

CHOWDER: ANTI-DIBS

RANS: ANTI-DIBS

HOLTZY: ANTI-DIBS

BITS: Well then. Jack, looks like there’s another way for you to help after all.

HOLTZY: I TOLD you coming up with a word for the opposite of dibs during that roadie after we finally resolved Roaches v. Attic would come in handy, but you were all “Nooooooooooooo, that’s ridiculous” when we called you for your opinion, Jack

RANS: “resolved”

JACK: Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
> \- There weren't any tadpoles in the group chat before this because I forgot to add them in. But I think there might be something in canon saying that they weren't part of the group chat anyway? [shrug]
> 
> \- Chowder being encouraging/subtly complimenting Dex and Nursey ("they were really diligent about conditioning this summer!") is exactly my jam


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Jack?” Dex asks confusedly, as he rubs his eyes. He’s been staring too long at his course syllabi, trying to figure out how much everything’s going to cost. “Did you butt-dial me again?”
> 
> [Jack gives Nursey and Dex the Mission, which they accept. Also, Dex does something?]

“Jack?” Dex asks confusedly, as he rubs his eyes. He’s been staring too long at his course syllabi, trying to figure out how much everything’s going to cost. “Did you butt-dial me again?”

“No, I was looking for you. And Nursey. Is he there, too?”

Dex looks over to where Nursey is lying on his desk, his notepad held high up as he crosses yet another line of scribbles out. “Well, not all there.”

Nursey rolls his eyes. “Hi, Jack. Are you looking for Bitty?”

“Haha. I know how to use my phone now. I wanted to talk to you two.”

Dex exchanges a glance with Nursey, but what either of them is trying to communicate to the other, he has no idea.

“Got the short end of the stick, huh?” Dex asks. “The only reason anyone who isn’t Chowder ever wants to talk to us together nowadays is for that hockey experiment.”

“True that,” Nursey mutters, but Dex ignores him.

“Uh… yes? Listen, before I say anything, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But what do you want us to  _do_?” Dex demands. Normally, Dex wouldn't talk to anybody like this (except Nursey), but Jack just seems unusually nervous, in a way Dex has never seen his former captain behave. Nursey unfolds himself from his desk and flops on his bed.

“It might be beneficial for you to repeat the experiment, to a lesser degree,” Jack says, as carefully as he possibly can.

“What? No. Why on earth—” Dex sighs. “I thought it was finished? All written up and everything?”

“You scared of being seen with me in public, Poindexter?” It sounds so  _ugly_ , not lilting and teasing, like... before.

Dex bites his lip before the words can tumble out.  _You wish_.

“Bitty already told you about the conference, right? Nicholas and Jean-Claude asked to meet everyone involved in the research personally, especially you two.” Jack’s voice grows halting. “I’m not asking about details, but it seems like the relationship between you two has become… strained.”

Dex digs his blunt nails into his palm.

“I’m not sure how the team's concerns for your friendship will be received, so I will skip past that and instead bring up another issue. Ransom and Holster are worried that Nicholas and Jean-Claude will think they faked their data for the report.”

“But they didn’t!” Dex says. “We did everything they asked, and we have witnesses! Why else would we go through the trouble of trying to change a baby’s diaper _on ice_ , while Tango and Whiskey kept skating the tables away?”

“But the results of the experiment may not appear… apparent, when you come to the conference. It’s fine. Just thought I’d ask—”

“Okay. I’m in.”

“What?” Dex turns to face him, but Nursey’s staring at the ceiling.

“Ransom’s wanted to meet them since forever,” Nursey says, curling up away from him. Dex doesn’t know how to feel about that. Rather, he doesn’t know how to feel about what he wants to  _do_  about that. “I’ll do it if Dex agrees.”

“Or I could just not go to the conference,” Dex argues. “Then no one would be the wiser.”

“Or that. I don’t have to go. Let them meet Dex; he’d probably understand what they’re talking about better than I do.”

“No, you make better small talk—”

“What does small talk matter when they’re going to be talking about numbers and shit?”

“Just because I'm majoring in CS and math doesn’t mean I understand—”

“HEY!” Jack shouts, and Dex jumps, feeling slightly gratified when he sees Nursey startle out the corner of his eye. “I want you both to be there, if not to meet them, then to support Ransom and Holster. The team. Even me! Since my dad and I are going to be on the front lines spreading the word about this event. Okay?”

“Fine,” Dex mutters. “We’ll both go. And I’m in, too, I guess. What do we have to do?”

“You’ll just have to go on all the dates again, none of the dangerous other things you had to do before. The NHL would have never let us do any of  _those_ ,” Jack says, forcing a laugh. Dex wonders if Jack’s as nervous as he is about this, because who knows what the hell is going to happen? “The conference is in April, so you’ll probably have to speed up the timeline a little bit. It was every three weeks last year, right? This time around, it’ll have to be…”

“Two weeks, maybe? Give or take, if accounting for midterms and finals,” Dex says absentmindedly, calculating quickly.

“And Administrative Brofessionals Day—did I say that right?—is after the conference, so you won't be able to do the movie viewing. That’ll be your choice. Just let Bitty know what you want to do and how much you think it’ll cost, so he can budget accordingly. This will be covered by the Sin Bin funds, of course.” Then Jack lowers his voice. “But off the record, if it’s not enough, just let me know, and I’ll cover it.”

“I can cover it, too,” Nursey says. Dex could just be reading him wrong, like he’s been doing lately, or he sounds defensive. Either way, they both sound ridiculously privileged.

“It’ll be fine,” Dex replies. “We’ll make do.”

“What exactly are you hoping for from these dates?” Nursey asks, and Dex flushes until he realizes that Nursey’s sat up to ask Jack, not him.

“For your interactions to eventually become friendly and comfortable again. Again, not asking you to fix whatever’s going on between you, if that’s not what you want to do. Just friendly enough so that no one thinks that Ransom and Holster went through all this trouble to fake their data. And then hopefully this publicity stunt isn’t remembered as a total embarrassment to hockey.”

“So, like, fake dating, but platonic,” Nursey says.

“Right. Spending time together will help make that more real, I guess? It’s a lot of time together—but you knew that already—so hopefully you won’t be pretending all that much by the time of the conference?”

Dex watches Nursey’s relaxed face shutter closed.

“I don’t pretend,” Nursey says shortly.

Jack has either gotten better at social cues or is still as hockey-focused as ever, because he sidesteps it smoothly. “Great. Also, would you be willing to sit with Tango and Whiskey after the dates like you did with Ransom and Holster? You just have to do what you did last year, recount what happened, and that’s it. They won’t be doing anything but recording what you say. Ransom just wanted to see if he could somehow use this data, if you agree.”

“Sure, why not,” Nursey says. “Is that all?”

“Dex?”

“Yeah, sure,” Dex says. “When do we start?”

“Lardo says you can ask her to help you schedule them. Once you let Bitty know, you can start immediately. Thanks so much!”

Once Jack hangs up, Nursey apologizes. “I know it’ll be a lot more time together, with being roommates, on the team… I just don’t want to let Ransom down, even if his worship of those scientists has gotten a bit out of hand.”

“Me neither. I’m fine with spending more time together if you are. Actually, I—”

“I just think that even if we don’t get back exactly what we had last year, it would be nice to be friends,” Nursey says, not looking at him.

“Friends.” Dex swallows. “That would be… nice.”

“We ended last year on a bad note, and it's followed us.” Nursey continues to aggressively not look at him. “If you honestly do not want me to be here, just tell me. You deserve the dibs more than I do. We got kicked out of a lot of places and almost ruined the experiment because I kept egging you on, so I understand. I can move out and find somewhere else to live. It’ll be a bit tricky, but I can d—”

“No! Stay!” Dex’s entire face is on fire, but he soldiers on, lowering his voice. “There’s no deserving or not deserving. I started it a lot, too, just… looking for a fight, I guess. If anything,  _I_  should be the one—”

“As my therapist would say, ‘There are no shoulds.’” Nursey's mouth quirks, and they look at each other. Once again, Dex is struck by how nonchalantly, casually handsome Nursey is, how easily he can shift between indifference and earnestness. “I want you to stay. If you want to stay.”

“Yes, I. I want you to stay, too. If you want to stay.”

When Nursey walks over to his desk again, it’s as if the last few seconds never happened. “Cool. What were you going to say?”

“Nothing.” Dex turns to his spreadsheet again. “Nothing important.”

—

you-are-dex:

> “WELCOME TO OUR FIRST DEETING OF THE 2015-2016 SCHOOL YEAR,” our first co-captain had bellowed into the megaphone, as our other co-captain pulled up their powerpoint. “IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW, ‘DEETING’ IS, OF COURSE, SHORT FOR ‘D-MAN MEETING,’ OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE ‘MEETING OF THE D-MEN.’”
> 
> co-captain 1 (the primary experimenter) then leaned over, co-captain 2 (the large boy) helpfully bringing the megaphone closer to him. “THIS IS THE HOLIEST OF TRADITIONS, HENCE WHY WE BRING IT TO YOU IN THE HOLIEST OF MEDIA, ‘H— S—* WITH [co-captain 1] AND [co-captain 2].’”
> 
> co-captain 2 took command of the megaphone again. “AND SO WE—”
> 
> “is it really necessary to shout? we’re both right here, not even six feet from you,” The Boy had said, hands over his ears. “seriously, i think my ears just exploded.”
> 
> i had felt like that, too, but i just shrugged. “chill, it’s not that loud. carry on, my fellow d-men.”
> 
> “that’s the spirit!” co-captain 2 high-fived me, and he at least dropped the megaphone, though he continued to shout.
> 
> “not that loud? i can’t even hear myself think!”
> 
> “we would like to pass on a time-honored tradition among our team’s d-men—” co-captain 2 began.
> 
> “—while also conducting an experiment—” co-captain 1 continued.
> 
> “—examining its effects on the quality of your team partnership. that tradition is the partaking in designated attachment training [excursions]* to encourage individual and interpersonal growth—”
> 
> “—but that’s a bit of a mouthful, so—”
> 
> “so dates,” i found myself saying. “you want us to go on dates.”
> 
> our captains looked a bit miffed that i’d stolen their thunder, but confirmed that yes, the acronym was “date,” and that yes, they wanted us to go on dates thru/o the school year to see if we would play better hockey as a result.
> 
> The Boy looked at the list of dates. “some of these places seem a bit… romantic, don’t they? isn’t this a little g—”
> 
> “ _chill_ , homophobe,” i told The Boy, the first part just to see the tips of his ears turn pink, and the second because that’s what he was being.
> 
> “i was about to say  _grandiose_ , asshole. tell me to chill  _one more ti_ —”
> 
> “[FRESHMEN]*.”
> 
> “we’re not [freshmen] anymore,” The Boy said, rolling his eyes, but he stopped lunging for me, which i honestly would not have minded, though that was the beginning of last year, when our co-captains asked us to do the experiment, and i didn’t know i’d fallen in love with him until a little bit later. even then i already knew i was attracted to him—hard not to, when my first thought upon being introduced to him was, “you are going to be a problem,” you know?

#no chill tag #The Boy #that hockey experiment #revisiting this moment because we were asked to do it again #the dates not the rest of it #and i’ve been thinking about how different yet similar being asked this year and last year are #you know what else is different? #given how we ended is why we have to do the dates again #i asked him if we could focus on being friends to make it easier for both of us #since he can’t stand me #it was either that or run myself into the ground fighting with him every step of the way #the * are for redacted/modified names + omitted school slang to maintain anonymity

—

2:32PM

 **William**  
How have your first few days been? Sorry I haven’t had a chance to catch up—hockey business.

 **Jessica**  
it’s been so great!! caitlin (our captain), i think she’s dating your goalie? she has been so helpful and nice!!! she hangs out with these two other girls a lot, they’re the new writers for the daily’s sports section now, may and june? they're a year above me and have also been showing me around  
did you do the thing  
i hope hockey business means that you did do the thing

 **William**  
Yeah, Cait’s dating Chowder (Chris).  
No, that was something else. We’re, um, repeating select parts of the experiment from last year.  
I mean, I tried?

 **Jessica**  
what do you mean tried????? did you or did you not tell him you are really really into him???????????  
when you say "repeating," is this billy “allergic to emotions” poindexter telling me this boy is now your boyfriend??

 **William**  
No. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s going to be a hockey science conference. For research. The research my captains did last year is going to be in it. But because things aren’t so great between us, we have to go do stuff to make sure they don’t think my captains faked their data.  
And I didn’t get the chance! Right when I was about to say something, he asked if we could try to be friends

 **Jessica**  
oh billy  
i’m so sorry  
how are you feeling?

 **William**  
Disappointed, I guess? And sad. But also relieved, and I feel really bad about saying that. I think I still feel kind of scared about being with him. Letting people know that I’m not straight, worrying all the time that he might not actually like me all that much, all that stuff.  
It’s for the best.

 **Jessica**  
are you just saying that because you think this has to either be a good or bad thing? because sometimes it just IS.   
do you have time for dinner today?

 **William**  
There’s a team dinner tonight at the Haus, but Cait’s coming, so you can probably come too. I’ll let Bitty (the baker) know. You can meet the rest of the team!

 **Jessica**  
ooh great! i can meet the boy and give him the stink-eye the entire time  
and then we can skype the rents and let them know that i’m still alive, even though you left me all on my own

 **William**  
It’s a date, then.  
I mean.  
Yeah.  
Only to the second thing. To the first—don’t do that.

—

 **It’s a Date (Reprise)**  
  
Fall 2016  
Participants’ Accounts of Date #1: Frappuccinbros at Annie’s  
Recorded by Tango ’19 and Whiskey ‘19

~~Does this even count as a date???~~

~~Yes. It has to. For all our sakes.~~

~~But they didn’t talk at all???? That was one of the rules!!!!~~

~~Let’s just get it written down and worry about that later.~~

~~Do we write it like “Nursey said this” and “Dex said this”???~~

~~Well, if we follow Ransom and Holster’s conventions, it would be more like this:~~

After finding a table, D. asked N., “How is your drink?” Then N. replied, “Good, yours?” D. said, "Mine's good, too," and they spent the rest of the date in silence.

~~Should we describe the silence? Did you get the sense that the silence was companionable or hostile???~~

~~It’s not our place to conjecture. We’re scientists. Hockey scientists, but still.~~

—

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 24 Sept 2016

is it buddies for a guy who hates you to give you a shark plushie?? it’s pretty ugly tbh but nevertheless it'll be living on my bed, aka the #SharkPark

 

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 24 Sept 2016

bc i gave him lobster plushies last year and… that wasn’t buddies #AllTheRomo

—

Jess is munching on a slice of Bitty’s blueberry pie, having ingratiated herself to him by taking his taste testing seriously, when a paint-covered boy her brother’s height runs into the kitchen, yanks open the freezer door for a bag of frozen peas (nearly tipping over the entire fridge in the process), and runs back out. “Was that Nursey?”

“Yep! Looks like they’re back from paintball.” Bitty says, as he wipes his hands on a towel. “Strange...”

That’s the boy Billy likes, she knows, and it’s easy to see why—smooth brown skin, chiseled cheekbones, limbs that go on forever. “What do you mean?”

“Nursey’s clumsier than a newborn lamb! Usually when he grabs the EmergenPeas™, it’s because he’s hurt. But he looks fine to me.”

The mystery’s solved when Nursey walks back in, this time with Billy in tow. Billy is  _drenched_  in paint, and Jess is  _delighted_. “I’m  _fine._  It’s just a bruise on my arm. I can walk and hold a bag of peas on my own.”

“It’s true,” Jess pipes up, as she gives Bitty a thumbs-up for the slice from his third pie. Her palate rivals Bitty’s own (mostly because she’s a bit of a picky eater), so he’s been tweaking his MooMaw’s recipes, in the hopes of receiving Jess's two thumbs-up. "Billy bruises like a peach. Soft and quickly rotting.”

“Jess,” Billy says exasperatedly.

“I am really, really sorry about this,” Nursey says, as he goes back to the freezer, looking for more frozen things. Jess watches Bitty nearly have a conniption when Nursey finds his frozen butter.

As Nursey and Bitty wrestle over the butter, Jess turns to Billy, watching Billy’s smile grow the louder Nursey protests. “Billy, I think he likes you.”

How quickly Billy’s smile falls from his face would break her heart if Billy hadn’t once let her believe he hid live lobsters in her sleeping bag and made her miss her class camping trip in fifth grade. “No. And I’m okay with it, really.”

“You didn’t see how he came in and practically ripped the freezer door open to get you those peas. The EmergenPeas™. That’s great. I’m going to tell Dad.”

Billy groans. “That was Holster, one of our captains from last year.” He presses the bag of peas to his arm more tightly.

“Billy, you look like you’re hurt really bad. Are you—” Her eyes grow wide, because it’s a ridiculous guess. Ridiculous because Billy never does impulsive things, but then again, she's also never wrong about Billy. “You didn’t.”

Billy watches her connect farfetched dots. “Whatever I didn’t do,” he says slowly, “don’t tell Mom, and maybe I’ll show you.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! I would've wanted to come! And what a liar, you’d show it to me regardless. I’m your favorite.”

He doesn’t deny it. “And then you would have wanted one, too!”

“ _Duh_.”

“Mom would kill me, and you know we keep some pretty big axes in the shed. Chainsaws, too.”

“When did you get it? I want to see!” She’d yank his sleeve up herself, but Billy’s always had fast reflexes, and she knows she’d be on the floor and tickled to death if she even tried.

“Last weekend. A spider web. I’ll show you later.”

“A spider web? You don’t even like spiders!” Jess exclaims, only then realizing the whole room has gone silent.

“I knew it!” Nursey says. “I knew you didn’t like spiders! …what are you guys talking about?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After May and June graduate, they move to NYC and form a girl group with March and April, called the Galendars (and everyone is dating everyone)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MARI: Derek Ian Ahiga Malik-Oakes Nurse-Díaz how DARE you speak to us this way???  
> DEREK: sorry mama you know i love you  
> NOELLE: Oh stop the posturing Mari. What are you trying to do, win killjoy mom of the year?
> 
> [[HSM 3 voice] The moms are back, the moms are back...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to what I found online, Ahiga is Navajo for "He fights." Let me know if this is wrong!

Sun, Oct 16, 2016, 3:33 PM  
**Derek**  renamed the conversation **momfords and son**.

DEREK: there. now you guys can freak out about whatever you saw happen to me during the game in a coordinated fashion

DEREK: how do i have four moms yet no mom thinks to make a group chat

DEREK: when you said “we’re better at coordinating now” i didn’t expect to see an email chain of like 49 messages. that hurt me so bad

MARI: Derek Ian Ahiga Malik-Oakes Nurse-Díaz how DARE you speak to us this way???

DEREK: sorry mama you know i love you

NOELLE: Oh stop the posturing Mari. What are you trying to do, win killjoy mom of the year? This line is so long

MARI: I just don’t want to be known as the mom who lets Derek get away with everything anymore. Someone at work said, “Your son booked tickets to Crete because he wanted your family to go on a surprise vacation and you said yes and stayed there for two months?”

LANE: Which mom DOESN’T let Derek get away with everything lbr

LANE: And to be fair 1) the vacation was long overdue and 2) a great surprise

LANE: And 3) it wasn’t like we weren’t working remotely yanno

MARI: LBR? Yanno?

LANE: You know.

MARI: No I don’t

DEREK: ohhhhhhhhhh my god please don’t tell me you were on urban dictionary again mom. you're worse than holster (captain from last year) with tvtropes

DEREK: “let’s be real” and i’m not touching the other one. that’s literally just asking for a [“who’s on first”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg) reenactment marathon

DEREK: and not everything. no one here will let me get away with not eating kale when i’m at home

MARI: ?? Who’s on first?

DEREK: nope moving on

LANE: I learned a lot of interesting things on there

NORA: You learned how racist and awful that site can be

LANE: That’s what I said!

NOELLE: Kale is good for you, Derek

MARI: Speaking of kale have you gotten to try that recipe for kale bread pudding yet?

NORA: Yes it was so good!!!

NORA: [snapshot of kale bread pudding]

NORA: It looks ugly here, I know, but that’s because Lane tore through it while I was looking for my phone.

LANE: No shame

DEREK: maman you’re probably the best at technology. if i email you instructions can you please please please make a separate group chat where i don’t have to listen to you all get really weird about kale

NOELLE: Only if you try the kale sorbet the next time you’re home since i can’t mail it to you

DEREK: deal. no more kale talk okay

DEREK: thanks for coming to my first game of the year mum btw

NORA: It was lots of fun! For the rest of you, I have notes.

MARI: Oh how was that?

DEREK: good! we won. my partner (the white boy with the red hair) scored!

MARI: Is that the boy who left early, back in may? Before your friends graduated?

DEREK: yeah. he had stuff to do, i guess

NORA: That boy slammed a guy against the glass after that guy did that to Derek! He’s really something

LANE: WHAT?

DEREK: oh my god we go thru this every time mom. i play defense. i have to keep the other team from scoring. any opposing team would not like that

LANE: Where are you hurt?

NORA: Noelle’s anatomy diagrams are really helpful! If Lane will give it back to me, I can take a picture of it and show it to you

NORA: Color-coded like we discussed earlier

NORA: [image depicting the outline of a person with the muscles and bones labeled; different colors in the order of the rainbow mark the levels of severity of pain inflicted on the area, red = light to violet = severe]

NOELLE: Oh dear I know this is typical of your games, but I always feel such a shock after having not seen it for a while

MARI: It looks so colorful, like a rainbow

MARI: A GAYnbow

DEREK: you have made this joke three times and it is still not funny mama

MARI: A PAINbow? No. A SPRAINBOW

DEREK: please… 

NOELLE: How’s your back?

DEREK: just bruised

DEREK: just a little

LANE: I’ve opened up Amazon

MARI: Me too.

DEREK: no

MARI: I call getting the thermal patches because when Lane got them last time, Derek said they didn’t really help

DEREK: no

LANE: Amazon gave it five stars!

MARI: But I TOLD you, I’ve tried them before and they don’t work. You don’t know your patches

NOELLE: I think Derek might need a new hot water bottle. I just finished paying and I’ll be back in twenty minutes so don’t check out yet

LANE: Nora says it’s a good thing we didn’t add that to our cart. We’ll just pick up some painkillers instead

MARI: You were right Derek this IS easier

DEREK: you know what i was wrong. this is worse. this is so much worse

 **Mari**  renamed the conversation  **If looks could kale**.

MARI: HAHAHA LOOK I FIGURED IT OUT

—

Dex returns to their room just as Nursey is groaning loudly, his head buried in his pillow. After a flush discreetly makes its way all over his face, Dex gathers the courage to look at him again and sees that he is currently Skyping with four women, probably his moms. (And not doing anything that sounded a lot like jacking off. What the hell, brain.)

“You alright there?”

“Yes,” Nursey sighs. A half-full Tupperware container of leftovers from the team dinner Bitty hosted last night sits on his desk, next to his laptop. Dex wonders if Bitty cooks extra for this reason. “They’re just showing off their kale bread pudding at our monthly Skype family dinner, during which they do nothing but  _eat kale and gossip about me_.”

“It’s not like we’re lying about it,” a short—actually they’re  _all_  kind of short—and dark-skinned woman with her black hair in a complicated-looking top knot says. “Who’s this?”

“This is my roommate, Dex. I mean Will.”

Dex flushes again and waves awkwardly. “Hi.”

Nursey turns to Dex. “The one who just spoke is my mama, Mari,” he says, before pointing to another woman with deep brown skin and very short blonde hair, “and that’s my maman and her partner, Noelle.” A woman with light brown skin and long, straight black hair waves—“That’s my mom, Lane,” and then a woman with medium brown skin and wearing a sea-green hijab gives him a smile, and he recognizes her—“and my mum and mom’s partner, Nora. You saw her at the game.”

“Nice to see you again,” Dex says.

“This is the one who was looking out for Derek,” Nora grins, and Dex flushes, inevitably.

“He’s my partner,” Dex replies, before turning to Nursey. “Text me when you’re done, okay?”

“Stay and talk to us. Derek talks about you  _all_  the time.”

“Maman…” Is Nursey  _blushing_? “You don’t have to go if you don’t want. Or I can just end the call now. Sorry I forgot to give you a heads up.”

“Chill,” Dex teases. “I don’t want to interrupt your time with your moms, and I gotta get back to my paper. Just needed to grab a book. It was nice meeting you.” Then he heads out.

—

Dex peeks into the room to find Nursey lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. The Tupperware is nowhere to be seen. It’s almost completely dark, except for the moonlight coming in from the window, because Nursey might be chill, but he’s also a poet prone to dramatic effect. “Have a good talk with the moms?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Can I turn on a light?”

“If you want.” Dex thumbs open his phone instead to find his way to his bed.

“You seem like you’re really close to them. It’s nice.”

“William J. Poindexter, saying something _nice_ about me? Call  _The Daily_.”

“Oh, shut up. As if _The Daily_ would run that story. You'd be better off calling  _The Swallow_.” Dex shucks his shirt and gets into his bed, turning to face Nursey’s bed on the other side of the room. Nursey looks back. “I can be nice. And it really is. Nice. You seem a bit quiet today. You alright?”

“We weren’t always like that,” Nursey says, hugging a pillow. He looks younger, more vulnerable, somehow, despite also looking like he needs a shave. “They weren’t always hovering like they are now, but if they think that’s going to keep me from running away again, why not, you know? I mean, I won’t be doing that ever again, but it’s not like they’ll believe me.”

“You ran away?”

“A couple of times. They used to be more into their jobs and their partners. I was used to being on my own. Used to think if I was gone, they wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“Nursey. Derek…”

“Did you know I used to not be able to read aloud at school? I’d been reading books pretty much ever since the first time I picked one up, but ask me to read aloud a passage in class, and I’d suddenly blank out or something. I wouldn’t be able to recognize the letters. The first time it happened, I was five. My teacher kept yelling at me to stop pretending that I couldn’t read, but I literally couldn’t see the letters. I saw squiggles, weird shapes. Everything would go blurry or spin. And then it kept happening. I was suspended, and kids were cruel, especially at Andover. I was the only one out queer student of color. In my year and in the school, probably. Did you know that?”

“Is that when you started running away?”

“Yeah. When I started to go missing for more than a day at a time. My classmates noticed there was something weird about how I would react to somebody telling me to stop pretending—I’d… shut off. The only thing I could think about doing would be to get away from that person, fast as possible. One time I went missing for three days—that’s how I met Shitty. He found me. Ironically, they only stopped trying to trigger my panic attacks when I started dating the only other openly queer boy. Which then started all the homophobic shit, of course. That’s when I learned to chill, because otherwise it’d probably have gotten worse.”

“I’m so sorry you had to deal with all that.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m here now, aren’t I? Anyway, the time I was gone for three days freaked out my moms, and we went to therapy together. I had to call my therapist today; I’d been putting off the call for a while. I’m supposed to let her know any time I blank out or whatever again. You caught the end of me letting the moms know I was doing that.”

“Derek, I.” Breathe, Dex. “Thank you for trusting me with this moment.”

Nursey gives him a hollow, extremely forced laugh. “You don’t have to act like you actually care. I just wanted to give you a warning for if I ever act weird. And to tell you that contrary to what you believe, money hasn’t always solved my problems.”

“No, I do! I’m serious. I don’t know how to say it other than how Shitty always says it, but I get why you don’t believe me, and you don’t have to.” Dex fidgets with an edge of his comforter. “I’m sorry. I mean—I’m learning that we have different struggles. Just… thank you for telling me. I’m going to continue to have your back, got it?”

“I mean, I know money’s certainly helped in my case.” Nursey says, biting his lip.

“And I know being white’s helped me at some points.” Dex’s voice goes soft there, because it’s probably the first time either of them has made reference to a sore point since, well, forever.

Nursey gives him a smile. A genuine, soft, completely  _unchill_  smile that Dex wants to see more of but also should not because Nursey wants them to be friends. “And I’ll have yours. Thanks.”

—

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 22 Oct 2016

the guy who hates me got me another one. i think he feels sorry for me but hey free snugglies so i’m not complaining. into the #SharkPark it goes!

—

They’re back on the Duck Tour. It’s a lot popular this year than last; the closest seat to Dex that Nursey is able to grab is the one behind him, which technically goes against the rules. Ransom and Holster and Tango and Whiskey are just going to have to deal with it.

Nursey’s got his camera open, trying to decide what he wants a picture of for Instagram, when someone lobs a scarf at his face. “What the hell was that for? I didn’t even do anything this time, Dex.”

“You’re breaking another rule. Also, you looked cold. If you get sick, the whole Haus will get sick, which is really quite ironic for a guy named Nurse. Again. Don’t you remember the Great Flu of 2015? How are you always so cold?”

“Because I’m  _chill_. ‘Ironic,’ fancy word for a—”

“You’re breaking a rule there, Nurse—”

“I didn’t realize you were together!” the old white lady next to Dex coos. “Would you like to switch seats with me and sit next to your young man?”

“He’s not really—”

“—happy with me at the moment,” Nursey says politely, because he feels bad about breaking two rules already, and fuck it, when it comes down to it, he sort of really wants to sit next to Dex anyway. “You saw how he threw his scarf at me.”

“Nursey—”

“Pulling pigtails,” the old white lady says fondly. “You’ll make up with him in no time. Come.”

Nursey would pull a Shitty™ and tell her about how pulling pigtails is more violence and male entitlement to girls’ and women’s personal spaces than a sign of affection, but he’s not a young liberal white boy with WASP-y lack of flow who could get away with it, so he just smiles politely and agrees. “Thank you, ma’am.”

Dex is quiet, but moves over, taking Nursey’s weight when he leans over to take a picture of the Boston skyline. After Nursey pockets his phone, he keeps his side pressed tightly to Dex, because Dex’s body heat is nice and Dex himself is nice, not moving a muscle when Nursey shifts  ~~to snuggle closer to him~~  to get more comfortable.

“Don’t be so hard on him,” she says, and Nursey doesn’t know who she’s talking to. Or about.

—

 **momfordsandson**  ∙ 1d

[image of Nursey and Dex with their arms around each other, the Boston skyline and the Charles River behind them; both are sporting genuine(?) smiles]

♥ 69 likes

> **omgcheckplease**  Awwwww!
> 
> **sayyestothejess**  this is a fantastic picture of billy, derek. thank you so much for sharing. so much
> 
> **leftsanfransharks**  you guys look so cute!!!!! i bet you had lots of fun :>
> 
> **ranster**  this would be a great place to propose
> 
> **420pornstache69**  this would be a FUCKING great place to propose
> 
> **holsom**  Probably. Too bad neither of us is going to be visiting any time soon.
> 
> **ranster**  yep neither of us is going ANYWHERE any time soon
> 
> **holsom**  I guess that means I’ll be going to the Llama Pathmark this afternoon all by my lonesome, then.
> 
> **ranster**  you’d be guessing right mr. birkholtz-for-now. don’t forget to pick up some more sriracha in addition to everything else
> 
> **holsom**  Fine. I will go alone, like I have been, for the past month. As if I’ve not just been sitting here, WAITING to get my NAME CHANGE.
> 
> **holsom**  You COULD just come with me to the Llama Pathmark because I never know which spice thing you mean.
> 
> **ranster**  OR you could learn about the spices your ancestors colonized the world for
> 
> **larissaduan**  what good even is your knowledge of spices when you drown the whole fucking dish in sriracha sauce
> 
> **larissaduan**  sorry we hijacked your post nursey. looks good tho!
> 
> **jlzimmermann15**  Please, just arrange to propose to each other at the same time and let this ridiculous feud end.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15**  I hope you’re having fun, too. By you, I mean Nursey and Dex.
> 
> **momfordsandson**  yeah that didn’t sound mildly threatening at all
> 
> **larissaduan**  do you guys really think keeping each other from bringing the other person anywhere is going to stop either of you from proposing anywhere else
> 
> **holsom**  We have a system, okay. Neither of us goes anywhere with the other person, so we’re only together in our shitty apartment. It works.
> 
> **takes22tango**  but what if one of you decides to propose at home? ?????
> 
> **holsom**  Fuck.
> 
> **ranster**  we didn’t think this thru holtzy NEITHER OF US IS SAFE
> 
> **holsom**  I guess there’s no broning in our near futures…
> 
> **larissaduan**  anyone not in favor of making a smh alum sin bin venmo don’t tell me
> 
> **ranster**  listen holtzy we just need some ground rules. no proposals when the other is not awake or when we’re both inside our apartment building or on the phone or texting or walking biffs
> 
> **larissaduan**  are you trying to keep your proposal plans a secret or playing assassin
> 
> **sayyestothejess**  everything about this is amazing. everything
> 
> **bringingdexyback** I didn’t want to do this
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Really? But you look like you’re having fun!
> 
> **momfordsandson**  as if. poindexter here threw a scarf at my face and then this little old white lady thought we were together and made us take this picture. posed us and everything. why do old white people always think they can do whatever they want?
> 
> **leftsanfransharks**  but you are????? well, were
> 
> **bringingdexyback**  Yeah, she was annoying.
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Chowder, she thought we were… never mind
> 
> **whiskeytf**  I’ll put this in the report.

—

**It’s a Date (Reprise)**

Fall 2016  
Participants’ Accounts of Date #6: Miniature Golf  
Recorded by Tango ’19 and Whiskey ‘19

N. and D.  ~~engaged in~~ ~~light-hearted banter~~ ~~We don’t conjecture Tango~~  argued about who should teach whom the game of miniature golf, which is a smaller affair than golf without a qualifier. N. argued that D. shouldn’t expect that N. knew how to play miniature golf just because he is rich  ~~which broke the rules because they weren’t supposed to mention his wealth!!!!!!! Are they going to be in trouble????~~.

 ~~When N. began to recount D.’s response, he stopped to say, “He can explain it better,” and called for D. to come to the Reading Room to explain that~~  D. then responded that N. could not expect D. to know how to play miniature golf just because D. is white and has a white father  ~~which broke with convention, since they previously recounted the events individually~~   ~~and they proceeded to reenact the argument for the observers~~   ~~Tango, we’re only supposed to record the goings-on of the date, not of the debriefing session~~.

 ~~In the end,~~  N. finally relented and taught D. how to play miniature golf. D. described N. as an “informative and demonstrative teacher” ~~who taught D. how to swing by giving him physical prompts that sounded and looked a lot like the pottery scene from _Ghost_~~   ~~This is CONJECTURE TANGO. Have you forgotten that this is not one of your fanfiction stories?~~   ~~WHISKEY DID YOU NOT SEE THE SAME REENACTMENT AS I DID????? IT WASN’T EVEN JUST SUBTEXT ANYMORE???~~   ~~Fine.~~  who taught D. how to swing a golf club using a technique resembling that of potters from a film about a young woman in danger and the ghost of her deceased paramour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend that I definitely planned to have Nursey and Dex splashed in rainbow colors (although in different ways) as some sort of queer/lgbtq metaphor/symbolism/parallelism and not that I only noticed that had happened after I finished this chapter.....
> 
> I never watched Ghost (I saw the Community episode), so the description of the movie comes from Wikipedia. [Here is the original scene (NSFW).](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXfxUVjHFl0)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s my name, actually.”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “You’re going to laugh.” Nursey sits up, gives him a serious face, even though the look is ruined by his twinkling eyes. “Diamond. Derek Ian Ahiga Malik-Oates Nurse-Díaz. Pitfall of coming from a non-nuclear family. Consider yourself warned.”
> 
> [Spiders and their webs are revisited.]

“Yep, I got the packages,” Nursey is saying when Dex comes in and quietly shuts the door. The room’s dark again, and Dex is starting to sense a pattern here. (Or as Johnson would say, a parallel, but that’s neither here nor there.)

“And you’ll share some with Will, won’t you?”

“Of course, Mum. He probably got hurt more than me, and you always over-buy.”

“Prepare,” she corrects, laughing. Dex is somewhat envious that the exchange progresses as easily and smoothly as a morning routine. “I’ll let everymom else know and let you go to sleep. Love you, Diamond.”

“Love you, too, Mum. Enjoy your time in Prague!”

“Share what?” Dex asks. “Diamond’s a cute nickname.”

“You know how my moms like to take turns coming to my games? They always exchange notes on what part of me might be hurting because of the game—”

“—and send you twelve bottles of Advil in the mail? Yeah, I remember.”

“They’re better at coordinating now, I’ll have you know,” Nursey says so primly that Dex’s breath catches because yeah, they’re roommates and teammates, but they haven’t been  _friends_  for a really long time. Or perhaps ever—they only seem to be able to reach some semblance of friendly when they’re cloaked in darkness. “Anyway, they want you to have some.”

“I’m good, but tell them thanks.”

“It’s not charity, if that’s what you’re thinking. They always buy a lot. For the whole team. I’m always sticking stuff into the team first aid kits.”

Rather than fight, Dex just nods. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you. Your moms are really thoughtful.”

“I think they’re trying to make up for the past,” Nursey shrugs. He’s cuddling one of the sharks Dex gave him, so Dex grabs one of Nursey’s lobsters from next to his pillow. “They’re still as busy as they were before, but now they try to take turns calling me every week, coming to our games, having monthly Skype dinners. Sending me loaves of fucking kale bread.”

“And calling you ‘Diamond.’ Your family’s pretty adorable.”

“It’s my name, actually.”

“What?”

“You’re going to laugh.” Nursey sits up, gives him a serious face, even though the look is ruined by his twinkling eyes. “Diamond. Derek Ian Ahiga Malik-Oates Nurse-Díaz. Pitfall of coming from a non-nuclear family. Consider yourself warned.”

“Do you ever think back to when you did? Have a nuclear family, I mean?”

“Not really. I was pretty young when my parents married different people. It’s all I've ever known. Do  _you_  ever think about not having two parents?”

“Not really. It’s all I've ever known,” Dex parrots back, just to make him laugh. “I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to not have a mom and a dad, though. Two moms or something? I don’t know. If maybe having parents who aren’t straight and conservative would’ve made it easier or something. Like, in terms of me figuring out stuff about myself.”

“It doesn’t not help.” Nursey’s look turns thoughtful, almost shy. “Growing up the way I did, I’ve always had a different understanding of gender. Not just from my moms’ different belief systems, but from seeing how each of my moms was so different in what they liked to do and wear and stuff. My mom, especially. She struggled to reconcile her white dad and Navajo mom’s understandings of gender for a really long time. Anyway, early on, I saw things at home that were really different from what my classmates saw. Things they thought weird or strange that I thought were totally normal, so when I realized I was pan in eighth grade, that was it. My pansexuality… it just  _was_ — _is_. A fact of life.”

“That’s honestly amazing,” Dex says, very thankful that the lights are off, because his blush is worse than the Samwell crimson. “Almost everyone in my family is straight, which made Samwell sound really nice. Though I didn’t really start appreciating it until a year after the fact.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Nursey says, and they share a laugh.

Nursey goes so quiet that Dex nearly jumps out of his skin when he gets an answer to his question.

“Yes, I’m still awake. What’s up?”

“I found this old photo in the attic of my house, the summer before senior year of high school. It was really old, from back when people had to stay very still to get their pictures taken. The picture was of these two young men, James and Jeremy. One of them was a Poindexter; the other, I don’t know. The ink on the back is all blurry now. They had their arms around each other—it was the first time I felt… comfortable. They’re not on the family tree. So I changed my name, added a middle name. For James or Jeremy, I don’t know. Maybe for both. My family thought it was for my grandfather, who’d just passed away at the time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Dex laughs, yawning. “He was a homophobic, misogynistic, racist dick. Basically the kind of guy who’d have gone to a Trump rally if he’d still been allowed to drive.”

“Thank you for trusting me with this moment,” Nursey says softly. “We should sleep. Good night, William James Jeremy Poindexter.”

“Good night,” Dex says. Then, because he can’t resist, even though this totally ruins his White Dad Rock cover (honestly, it’s all Jess’s fault), “Shine bright like a diamond…”

Nursey lobs Sharkimedes at his head before demanding him back.

—

you-are-dex:

> he brought a shark kite today and taught me how to fly it???? he made the kite for me????????????? and even bought me hot chocolate???????? and i kept wanting to kiss him???? i should probably back up and explain
> 
> so you remember how my team decided we’d redo the dates part again, right? we’ve been making good time on those, so we’re on our seventh one and it’s only the beginning of dec! it’s the last one of the semester because finals are in two weeks. this means we have five more left for next semester to do before late april, which is plenty of time. i’m really going to miss doing this—goodness knows he wouldn’t hang out with me voluntarily. this often, at least
> 
> we’d been wondering if we should hold off on this one since kite-flying is contingent on the weather, especially with weather reports that kept threatening snow (i laughed that off my first year at college and boom. class was canceled for three days), but today was the third day they’d said there would be snow and there wasn’t (The Boy had been pestering me about going out for the past few days but i kept saying no because i’d learned my lesson about new england weather. “you that eager to get this over with?” i asked him, and he turned really red. he insisted he just didn’t want to wait until we were too busy with finals. then he started waxing on about the wind today so to shut him up i said yes)
> 
> then he brought out this shark kite. not like a shark like you’d typically imagine, though. i feel kind of bad saying this because it’s kind of mean but the only reason i knew it was a shark was because it’s the same kind of shark as sharkimedes. not saying that it was aesthetically terrible! (though sharkimedes kind of is tbh) …just hard to figure out what it actually was.
> 
> “where on earth did you find this?” i asked.
> 
> he grinned at me, like a dork. “i made it after we drew up the date schedule.”
> 
> is it a heteronormative world or is this not buddies?
> 
> “what are you waiting for?” he asked me, when we got out onto the quad overlooking the pond.
> 
> “this. this is for me?”
> 
> “i mean the lobster one is obviously mine,” he said. (i think he was really nervous about having made it for me because he didn’t even complain that i’d covered the lobster in green glitter instead of painting it—he’d complained about it being red last year, so after we drew up the date schedule, i’d hit up my art major friend i’d done a matter of two with [shameless self-plug!])
> 
> “but i thought you were going to fly it? is that not why you made it?”
> 
> “i made it for you since you got the lobster one for me last year. is it okay? never mind,” he mumbled.
> 
> “no, no, i like it!” i said hurriedly.
> 
> he nodded gruffly and went back to unspooling the thread thingy for the lobster kite, only looking back when he’d finished, to find that i hadn’t moved and was still gaping at him like an idiot. “well?”
> 
> “i don’t know how?” i paused. “you really made this? for me?”
> 
> he stared at me. “as if i was going to let you fly my lobster kite, ugly as it is. you know only cooked lobsters are red, right? we were flying a cooked lobster last year. how does a cooked—dead—thing fly?” then he finally looked at it. “what the fuck.”
> 
> “lobsters can’t fly, period,” i said.
> 
> “what the fuck did you do to this thing, d.”
> 
> “you said live ones were green,” i said defensively.
> 
> “i said they weren’t red. that does not mean i said they were green! what the hell did you do to it?”
> 
> “okay so maybe i looked it up on wikipedia and then [graduated art major friend] said she didn’t have any other glitter than green so that’s what i put on it.”
> 
> “so when the wind blows, all the glitter will fall off and into our eyes.”
> 
> “sorry,” i mumbled. “you should just fly the shark one since you made it and all.”
> 
> “no!” he said (or maybe blurted out. idk i’m not like one of my teammates who likes to conjecture; he’s a bit of a storyteller, whereas i try to record my experiences accurately, prob bc of my journalist mum). “you didn’t have to do that. this is nice. weird, but nice.” then he frowned. “you’ve never flown a kite before?”
> 
> “i’m a city boy,” i said. he rolled his eyes. “not a great place for kites, which is why i let you do the flying last year.”
> 
> “i can teach you,” he offered, so we put our things down on the grass, and he handed the kite to me while unspooling the string.
> 
> “s _harkcopter_ ,” i said aloud.
> 
> “what?” he scowled when he saw my grin. “ _no_ , d.”
> 
> “it’s not worse than yours,  _claw and order_.”
> 
> he turned red again, and like i've done on all past dates, i kept thinking back to what it was like the first time last year. last year kite-flying was our first one of the spring semester, and we’d just come back from a month-long winter break. he hadn’t been happy when i presented the lobster kite, but he also didn’t pick a fight with me?? (p.s. this was after an entire month of me thinking back to our last date from the fall term, when i Realized. rip me december 17, 2015)
> 
> after i gracelessly launched the kite into the air, he had me hold the thingy, but i must have been holding it badly or something, because he came up from behind me and adjusted my hands or something. the warmth from his front met my back briefly, barely there for a second, but i got distracted anyway. then he bought me hot chocolate at the student-run café, technically breaking a rule bc neither of us is supposed to use our own money, but i bought him his, so.
> 
> some days i wonder if i made the right decision in asking him if we could try being friends. today was such a day.

#no chill tag #The Boy #that hockey experiment redux

—

To:  **Derek Malik Nurse**

Sometimes I catch you looking at me, and I think you know that I want you. I just can’t seem to hide my feelings about you. But then you’ll just shake your head, as if you’re shaking off the thought of me liking you as ridiculous and crack a joke, even though you saw evidence of it last year. Did you want us to be friends because you somehow think that that’s what I want? Or are you trying to protect yourself?

Right before everyone went home for break, I asked Bitty for advice about being out, being brave. Being honest about and with myself. I’ve suspected I liked boys when I was sixteen, but I guess I was too afraid to find out if I was right, so I never did anything about it. I don’t know anyone at home who isn’t straight. I suspected possibly my best friend was, because I always felt like he was saying one thing while meaning another, but I never followed up on it, and we drifted apart when he moved away. Not that I had any feelings for him, but knowing I wasn’t alone with these kinds of feelings would have been nice.

I honestly never thought there would ever be a reason for me to want to put myself out there, until I met you and saw how easy it is for you to be able to joke about things like that all the time with your moms. And I… I want that. I really do. Sometimes I get jealous of Ransom and Holster’s relationship, even (even when they get really gross).

After talking to Bitty, I think… I want to be brave. I want to try again with you. Being with you last year was one of the best times of my life, and I know I’ll get scared again. But I want to learn to be brave, and I want to learn it with you. Only if you want, I mean, because I will definitely screw up, and I don't want you to get hurt when I do. But like I said, judging from how you sometimes look at me, I don’t think I’m wrong.

**This message failed to send. Click to send again.**

—

from:  **Eric Bittle** <ebittle@samwell.edu>  
to:  **SMH 2016-2017** <samwellmenshockey1617@googlegroups.com>  
date:  **Sun, Jan 22, 2017, at 8:23 am** **  
** subject:  **Welcome back!**

Hi everyone,

Hope your holidays were fun and restful! First day of class is  **Tuesday, January 24** **th**. First team dinner is  **Thursday, January 26** **th** , at our usual time. Don’t forget about these two dates (you should already know when this week’s practices are because I sent that information last week). I know a lot of you won’t be on campus until later today, but for those who are here, I’m making brunch right now! Let me know if you can join me for team brunch, and I’ll whip up some more omelets. For everyone coming in later, let me know what you want as a welcome back treat!

I’ve really had a lot of fun being your captain so far and am looking forward to more of it. Here’s to a great semester!

ERB [halo emoji]

—

They’re looking at the black widows again. Dex seems to hold the same fascination with spiders as Nursey does with  _Goosebumps_ ; not engaging doesn’t seem to be an option.

Nursey’s reading the information plaque for the third time when Dex speaks for the first time all day. “They don’t look too bad up close.”

“Told you,” Nursey says, barely paying attention.

“Not scary at all,” Dex says, his face pressed up to the glass. The spider he’s looking at shakes a leg at him, and he backs away. “Okay, it’s still a bit scary. But doable.”

Something makes Nursey look at Dex, who’s still pointedly looking at the spiders. “Yeah? Even after knowing all this about spiders?” Nursey gestures at the information plaque. “Looks like it's a hot mess all around.”

“Yeah, even then,” Dex replies, finally turning. He is so fucking red that Nursey actually feels bad and doesn’t say anything about Ron Weasley’s cute orange phase, as he rubs his neck awkwardly. His T-shirt sleeve rides up. “I’d like to try, anyway.”

“Wait, really?” Nursey says absently, completely focused on the hint of ink on Dex’s bicep. Holy shit.  

“Yes.”

“Fuck yes!” Nursey exclaims, throwing himself into Dex's arms. His heart does _not_ start beating faster when Dex catches him, as if Dex had been expecting him to do that. 

“People are staring,” Dex mutters into his shoulder.

Nursey ignores that and pulls away just enough to meet his eyes. “Just to be clear, you were actually talking about us and not spiders, right?”

Dex snorts, pulling up his sleeve completely. The design is intricate, mesmerizing, and definitely the most romantic (and hipster, but if he tells Dex that, he’d be ruining the moment) thing Nursey’s ever seen. “Hello? Obviously.”

—

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 1 Feb 2017

it wasn’t buddies!!!! also three’s a collection: fin (of shark wars) joins sharkimedes and tony shark in the #SharkPark

—  
2:26PM

 **William**  
I told him.

 **Jessica**  
oh shit how’d it go?

 **William**  
We’re “repeating” the experiment now. I’ve planned some special “hockey business” for his birthday.

 **Jessica**  
is that a euphemism for sex?

 **William**  
NO.

 **Jessica**  
grats big bro!!!!!!  <3  
thank god it all worked out!!!  
and i didn’t even have to do anything

 **William**  
Shit. You only ever say that when you _have_ done something. As if I'd fall for it.  
Jess. What. Did. You. Do.

 **Jessica**  
nothing  
well, nothing bad  
it doesn’t matter anyway!!!!!! since you said he doesn’t check facebook

 **William**  
Jess… Tell me now or I will take you to the tattoo place AND tell Mom. I don’t care if she finds out about mine in the process. I will tell her about the tattoo and that our ex-team manager cut your hair, not her old high school friend in Natick.

 **Jessica**  
ugh okay fine so maybe one day during winter break while you were still sleeping after you spent all night talking to that boy you’re in love with  
i may have taken your phone to send myself more hearts for tsum tsum  
and my thumb accidentally got caught on fb messenger (this really was an accident!)  
and then it might have opened up the messages you sent to him  
or rather, the ones that you didn’t send to him because of internet problems

 **William**  
GET ON WITH IT

 **Jessica**  
okay OKAY so then i figured that since it seemed like you and that boy were never going to get your shit together, i re-sent the messages to him. stood right next to the router to make sure they went through and everything. then i figured if things got really dire i’d suggest he go check his fb messages  
don’t worry i didn’t read any more of it once i realized what it was about  
I’M SORRY I REGRETTED IT AS SOON AS I DID IT BILLY  
you just didn’t seem very happy

 **William**  
Jess, that wasn’t okay.

 **Jessica**  
i know! i'm sorry!!! it doesn’t make up for it but i’m sorry  
you do a lot for me and i wanted to somehow do something for you. not that this was the best way

 **William**  
It was the WORST way.  
I do things for you because I love you. I don’t expect things back

 **Jessica**  
i know!! that’s why you’re the best brother anyone could have. i’m sorry!!!!!  
but at least it seems like he hasn’t been on fb since he graduated high school? his halloween costume from senior yr of hs is certainly… something

 **William**  
Yeah. At least there’s that.  
From now on, I’m driving AND picking the music for all car trips to and from Samwell.  
I won’t tell Mom about the tattoo, but you’re going to let me monitor the first two weeks after the inking.  
Lastly, you’re going to tell Mom why you wouldn’t let nice Mrs. Carlton cut your hair for free.

 **Jessica**  
i deserve a lot worse than this, honestly  
fine to all of it  
how do i diplomatically tell mom that mrs carlton only cuts hair for white suburban moms from the 50s?  
i'm really sorry billy

 **William** **  
** That’s your problem. Don’t do it again.

—

Wed, Feb 8, 2017, 12:32 PM **  
Lane**  renamed the conversation  **Mean Moms**.

MARI: Is it just me or did Derek look happier when we Skyped with him?

NORA: I think so too. He just thanked me when I sent him “extras” of the kale bread (as always, I baked a loaf especially for him)

NORA: Speaking of which, we’re almost at the end of our list of kale things to mess with Derek. Any more suggestions or is it time to move to leek?

MARI: LEEK MY TIME HAS COME

LANE: I gotta say, this has been a great way to find new recipes. Good job us

LANE: I bet it’s that boy, Will

LANE: Very nice boy. Remember when I got to catch two of their games? Will is always looking out for Derek on the ice

NOELLE: Even if it isn’t because of him, I’m glad Derek is smiling more. Not that he hasn’t been, but he has seemed a bit broody these last few months. I’d hoped that being in Crete would help

NOELLE: But you know how he is, likes to keep to himself when he’s not happy

LANE: I think it’s Will because don’t you remember Derek’s poem??

LANE: Not that I was/am not worried about Derek. But given how much he talks about him…

NORA: If that boy IS in fact responsible for lifting Derek’s spirits, I’m happy for him. But I still want to sit down with Will and make sure he doesn’t hurt him

MARI: You are such a mom, Nora

NORA: We are all moms

NORA: But joking aside, don’t you think so? Not that Derek can’t handle it but I’m still worried!! This was the boy who left early last year, remember. We were all so caught up in wanting to meet him because Derek was telling us about the experiment they were doing that we didn’t notice Derek had stopped talking about him right before we arrived. And only when we kept pressing him about where Will was did he finally tell us very quietly that he’d left early

NORA: Don’t forget to take off from work for the hockey science conference

NORA: Of course Derek isn’t always willing to offer up information about himself but it’s easy to get him to once he knows you want to listen. He only ever goes mum on the subject, if you’ll pardon the pun, if he thinks he’ll be bothering you

NORA: He never asks for help

LANE: I think he doesn’t trust that he can

LANE: I should have spent more time with him

MARI: Honestly, that was on me. I was the one who stayed at home back then and I didn’t notice

NOELLE: You had a lot going on with your mom back then. And the fact that we were all so focused on our jobs definitely hurt

MARI: He was misdiagnosed and suspended from school!!

NOELLE: I know. But like Dr. Ortiz says, there’s no going back. We can only make sure that the past doesn’t repeat itself

NORA: And he’s made progress! His last panic attack was almost a year ago. He might not have told us until months after it, but he recovered by himself and took the initiative to talk to Dr. Ortiz and then us about it

NORA: Lane, Mari, I know you think you’re most at fault here, but Noelle and I are his moms too, even though we didn’t come into the picture until a little later

MARI: I know but I still wish we could have stopped all of it in its tracks. We as in all of us

NORA: Me, too. Of course we all do

LANE: Mom for all and all for mom! Would it be gay if I said that I love all of you so much right now and that I’m so happy that we’ve come so far and that I only hope that we keep learning and getting better?

MARI: So gay.

LANE: I love all of you so much right now and I’m so happy that we’ve come so far and I only hope that we keep learning and getting better!

NOELLE: If anything, I wish I was mum because then I’d be the one with exclusive rights to “keeping mum about it” puns

NORA: You’re not the Brit

NOELLE: You moved to Queens when you were 8! And you go back to Bangladesh more than London

NORA: Yeah well I’ve forgotten all my French now so I can’t be maman, since I took it in like high school

MARI: …we all took French in high school

LANE: And college. That’s how we met.

—

Thu, Feb 9, 2017, 10:37 AM

TANGO: hey nursey want to get lunch together today??

Fri, Feb 10, 2017, 11:23 AM

TANGO: hey nursey lunch together today okay?

Mon, Feb 13, 2017, 8:06 AM

TANGO: happy early bday! maybe we can celebrate it by having lunch together today!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
> Sharkcopter is a reference to Steven Universe's Dogcopter.
> 
> Oh Nursey, this is a ridiculously heternormative world, but at the same time, that was not! buddies! Nothing Dex does in relation to you is buddies! (a lot of what SMH does to and for each other is not buddies lbr)
> 
> Nursey's maman Noelle is French and Haitian in that she's of Haitian descent but born in France. At some point, her family moved to the US (NYC probably because that's where I'm from). Noelle took French for an easy A in high school and in college; her high school French teacher was also Haitian, so she didn't get on Noelle's case for her French not being "Parisian" enough, but unfortunately, her college French prof didn't spare her the same courtesy, but you know what, Noelle got the job as a French tutor anyway, which is how she met all the other moms because they all suck as badly at French as I do. I imagine the moms are all pretty young because Mari and Lane probably had him when they were young and probably had to either delay college or take a few years off in between, making them a few years older than their partners. Probably. I am making it up as I go. 
> 
> Also, as soon as I gave Nursey four moms, I started thinking about his initials. Initially, I got stuck, because I wanted the initials to form a word, but the only words I could think of with his canonical initials (D, M, N) were any variation of "damn/ed/ing/etc" or "demon." Giving him initials that spelled out either sounded.......................really racist, but then I realized I'd limited myself by automatically assuming the N was the last letter. You can probably tell by now that I love 1) puns 2) acronyms and 3) word games that involve switching around letters.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LARDO: i stopped ransom and holster from flying to texas to adopt a tsa dog
> 
> [ATTABRO!!!!!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the chapters I've already written, so updates will probably be slower as I figure out the rest of it. There isn't much left for this installment, I think.
> 
> P.S. Sorry for the Wingman reference. If I were to ever do a firefighter AU it would only be about alive and breathing Holsom and their Dalmatian puppies ;_;

The team surprises Nursey with a potluck dinner for his birthday, with Nursey unabashedly eating all of Whiskey’s flan.

“Don’t tell my mama, but this is so much better than hers,” Nursey practically moans. “Hers is some About.com shit, though I’m not supposed to know that.”

“It’s my grandmother’s recipe,” Whiskey says. “If you like, I can ask her for it.”

“That would be so great. I miss eating stuff like this,” Nursey says, before turning around and getting an eyeful of a ridiculously decadent chocolate cake thing that Bitty whipped up. “Fuck. This _also_ looks amazing. Why is everything so amazing tonight?”

The team plies Nursey with a ton of food and slightly less wine, so he’s loose and honey-limbed, very into leaning against Dex, as they make their way to the bathroom they share with Bitty, because Nursey spilled wine on his shirt (again). Nursey’s so chill that he spills hydrogen peroxide everywhere, except for the big spot on his collar, so Dex good-naturedly takes it from him and ushers Nursey to the attic.

Nursey is lying on their bed with his eyes closed when Dex comes back in. “Come snuggle with me.”

“Didn’t I tell you to put on another shirt?”

“Why do I need a shirt for sleeping?”

“Because you’re not going to sleep, silly. Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“Wait.” Dex is quickly discovering he needs to concentrate hard to wrestle Nursey into a shirt. “Shoes. Come on, we’re going out to look at some stars. Date number nine.”

“It’s very cold out. And nine is Samwell Open Mic,” Nursey says solemnly. Dex is pretty sure that had Nursey been a bit more sober, he wouldn’t have let Dex know that he remembers how the dates are ordered (too). “I thought that wasn’t until the beginning of March.”

“We have a freebie, remember?” Dex sighs, accepting that he’s going to have to do everything tonight. He stoops to tie Nursey’s shoelaces, pinching Nursey’s ankle when Nursey starts giggling and wiggling his feet. “Keep that up, and you can just stay here and sleep it off.”

How quickly Nursey trips over his feet to get to the stairs is  _heartbreakingly_  endearing, but also terrifying, so Dex refocuses on getting them out the door, grabbing a bunch of comforters he’d borrowed from the rest of the team with promises to wash them all before returning them (“Because there’ll probably grass stains. Definitely _nothing_ else,” Dex had said hastily, resolutely ignoring Bitty’s smirk).

Nursey shivers. “I’m cold. We could’ve just gone up to the roof.”

“When you’re still drunk? There will be no roofs when I’m on Nursey Patrol.”

“I’m not drunk,” Nursey mutters, as they walk to Lake Quad. “The cold fixed that.”

Dex would be worried about his lack of enthusiasm, but Nursey’s grip on his hand is firm, which is quite nice. He reluctantly untangles his fingers from Nursey’s, though, when they reach the tree overlooking the Pond. “Let me just get this set up.”

“Can I help?” Dex wordlessly throws a blanket at his face. “Jesus, how many did you bring?”

“Big winter jackets aren’t great for, uh, cuddling? So I asked the team for their extras? I didn’t—”

“Hell yes!” Nursey shouts, as he starts pulling off his jacket.

“—want you to get hypothermia.” Dex quickly dumps two blankets over Nursey’s shoulders because Nursey wasn’t lying about being a chill dude; he’s worse at retaining heat than Bitty and Chowder  _combined_. At least Dex had had the foresight to pack an extra hoodie for him. “Here’s some hot chocolate. Can I trust you to open the thermos without getting a third-degree burn?”

“Yes,” Nursey huffs, as Dex gets himself seated, leaning against the tree trunk. He wraps a blanket securely around himself before stealing half of the thicker blanket that Nursey’s cocooned in.

He’s wondering if he should ask Nursey to lean against him when Nursey’s full weight crashes into him. “Oof,” Dex says, heart suddenly beating hummingbird-fast. Funny how he hadn’t panicked at all until this moment. Suddenly, the thermos is in his hands.

“Changed my mind. Not coordinated enough,” Nursey says, as he moves over a bit, and only then Dex realizes he’s tense, too, which is when Dex realizes he might have read all of this wrong. “Is this okay?”

“Hey,  _I’m_  supposed to ask you that. I’m the one who planned this. Chirps aside, is this okay? Sorry, I don’t know why I thought this would be nice. Let’s go ba—”

“No. This. This is  _amazing_ , Dex. But—” Nursey fidgets uncomfortably. “I know you’re not. Not really out. Which is fine and not any of my business. But this—we're outside. At Samwell. It’s kind of public, and—”

Dex sighs with relief. “I thought you changed your mind about us. No, I’m fine. This is fine. In case you forgot, it’s cold  _and_ late. Not many people out. And there’s a reason this place is the gay-friendliest out there, right? The whole school thinks the whole hockey team’s dating each other anyway, no thanks to Ransom and Holster.”

Nursey cracks a smile, but doesn’t move until Dex slings an arm over his shoulder. “Except for Chowder.”

“Except for Chowder, and only because he and Cait keep placing first for _The Swallow's_ 'Hottest Couples of the Month,'” Dex agrees, letting his cheek rest on top of Nursey’s hair. He curls their fingers together with his other hand.

“You really thought I changed my mind about us?” Nursey asks. “Yesterday I let you sink your teeth into my neck  _all over_  like some pasty ginger vampire.”

Dex’s face burns. “Yeah, well. Was scared for a sec.”

“But you didn’t run.” Nursey makes a pleased humming sound when Dex drops a kiss in his hair. Dex has made Nursey make that sound happen a lot over the past two weeks, so he doesn’t need to look to know that Nursey’s got the sweetest, dopiest smile on his face to accompany it. “You’re right, it’s beautiful out today. It’s funny how I never thought to look up at night, and I’ve been at Samwell for almost three years. Too used to the city, I guess.”

“You’re looking now,” Dex says. He cracks open the thermos, pouring a bit in the lid for himself before handing it over. “That’s all that matters.”

“You’re probably used to the stars twinkling at night, huh?”

“Yeah. Still beautiful.” Dex isn’t sure if they’re talking about the stars or something else, but it’s really nice either way.

They finish off the hot chocolate pretty quickly, and Nursey sits up suddenly. “Dex? Can I kiss you? I mean—”

“I’m not sure I really like this timid Nursey,” Dex teases. “What happened to my chill boyfriend?”

The word stretches in the air between them for a moment, expanding until it envelopes them both, and suddenly Dex can’t stop looking at him. His eyes, mouth, even his nose. Is this what it’s like, to realize you’ve been in love with someone for a really long time?

“He’s  _trying_  to make sure his really chirpy boyfriend is okay with everything, seeing as they’re outside—”

“Stop talking in third person.” Dex wrinkles his nose. “It’s weird. And it’s fine. I promise.”

Finally, Nursey cups his chin and brings their lips together, but they’re both smiling too widely to kiss properly.

“Happy birthday, Diamond,” Dex whispers. They don’t stop kissing for a good while.

—

 **bringingdexyback**  ∙ 1d

Un/Chill, 2017

[blurry image of Nursey throwing off his coat, surrounded by blankets]

 ♥ 57 likes

> **bringingdexyback**  Other possible titles include: Duality of Man, Ice Ice Baby, and You’re Beautiful.
> 
> **bringingdexyback**  Don’t worry, I wrestled him into a hoodie after I took this picture before stockpiling the blankets. I also placed a sleeping bag under all the blankets, so no grass stains! I’m finishing up the laundry as I type! Thanks everyone!
> 
> **momfordsandson**  you know what that was a good night so you can have this one
> 
> **momfordsandson**  <3
> 
> **holsom**  I know it’s not 2010, but that was a good year for me anyway, so TFW you can’t tell if Dex is chirping or flirting. This is Nursey circa Fall 2014 all over again. By which I mean that frog Nursey had no game.
> 
> **bringingdexyback**  Wait what
> 
> **leftsanfransharks**  !!! looks like it was a good end to your birthday nursey!
> 
> **420pornstache69**  did you get b/v day cuddles nursey?
> 
> **momfordsandson**  i did <3
> 
> **sayyestothejess** stargayzing, huh? ;)
> 
> **bringingdexyback**  How are we related
> 
> **ranster**  either way, it looks VERY happy indeed
> 
> **ranster**  what i’m saying is, holtzy, this could be us
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Hope the hot chocolate kept you warm! <3
> 
> **bringingdexyback**  It did! Thanks again for that!
> 
> **momfordsandson**  he did, too <3

—

 **let it go, bro** @brozen ∙ 14 Feb 2017

best. birthday. ever. <3

—

Tue, Feb 21, 2017, 5:58 PM **  
**Lardo****  has renamed the conversation  **in the doghaus**.

LARDO: i stopped ransom and holster from flying to texas to adopt a tsa dog

LARDO: i first tricked them into doing a brovie night with me

LARDO: i got out of my meeting with the moma peeps early (mfa pays me to come to nyc and bunk with rans and holtzy i love my job) so i ran back to their apt and covered all the walls with these big-ass niagara falls posters, u.s. on one side and canadia on the other

LARDO: when they got home i blindfolded them and then pulled up ransom’s spreadsheet and holster’s powerpoint on why they should get married and recorded the whole thing

LARDO: as if i'd watch another movie with holster after the love actually fiasco

LARDO: check snapchat for the proposal video, i'll do a legit one with like editing and shit when i get home

LARDO: you’re welcome

LARDO: sorry i stole your thunder but at the same time you two look like you won’t be able to type any time soon

LARDO: i’m taking bfs out for a walk

LARDO: thanks again for letting me crash with you while i do art curator job shit

SHITS: LARDO WITH THE ASSIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTABRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO LARDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NURSEY: you read all that and only thought to say something to lardo? talk about #whipped

NURSEY: yeah i know that was a fine

NURSEY: do i venmo the team sin bin or the alum sin bin

NURSEY: oh and grats rans and holtzy!!!!! what would we ever do without you lards

SHITS: good question i think that’s a question for the senior jury ‘16

LARDO: split it half and half for now

BITS: GRATS

BITS: Can someone run to the Murder Stop & Shop for me? These boys need a pie. Lardo needs two pies.

LARDO: aw yiss pie thanks<3

JACK: Congratulations! I’m really relieved that that’s over.

DEX: Me too. Congrats!

CHOWDER: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grats grats grats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

TANGO: grats!!!!! when’s the wedding???

WHISKEY: I think it’s too soon for that, Tango. Let them get used to it first. Congratulations. Still need someone for the murder run, Bits?

BITS: Yes, please and thank you! I need ten sticks of butter and a dozen pie tins. Venmo-ing the money to you now!

RANS: you can come back now lards

RANS: any longer and you will tire our baby out too much :(

LARDO: i already did. carrying her in my arms rn what a darling!!

RANS: you didn’t grab her pet carrier thing?

LARDO: i did but she’s too fluffy to put down

LARDO: plus her face when you do…

RANS: true

RANS: and ty everyone!

LARDO: when i come back, will you be decent?

HOLTZY: Is no shirts okay? They kind of ripped???????????

RANS: mine’s not.

HOLTZY: Damn it.

RANS: not getting rid of this salmon polo that easily, holtzy

RANS: i didn’t realize it but my salmon polo and shorts were exactly what i wanted to be wearing when i proposed to you holtzy

LARDO: that’s great. coming back now. want me to also get pizza hut?

HOLTZY: No, we gotta be classier than that. We just got engaged! We need, like, Artichoke Pizza.

LARDO: i’m too hungry to wait for delivery. do your fancy thing when i’m not third wheeling okay

HOLTZY: Ugh fine, Dad.

HOLTZY: First, no dog, and now, no classy pizza.

DEX: What’s this about a dog?

RANS: we were worried that bfs was getting a little lonely so we were looking for another dog

RANS: the new dog was supposed to be a reward for submitting our paper and getting it featured in the CHIRPP (that was months ago, but we’ve been busy)

HOLTZY: First I wanted to get a Dalmatian because I had this dream where we were firefighters and then I was flying? Maybe? I definitely had wings. I felt really happy when I woke up.

HOLTZY: Plus I’d been meaning to ask Rans if he wanted to be a volunteer firefighter because I feel like we would look so good in the uniform.

HOLTZY: But then he started crying?????????? And I had to promise that neither of us would ever become firefighters, not even in our imaginations or dreams or whatever before he would stop.

RANS: dalmatians are definitely out.

HOLTZY: Then I saw this thing talking about how the TSA was putting dogs up for adoption

RANS: lardo came back from her museum job stuff right when we were booking tickets

RANS: i'm kind of relieved tbh? i didn’t know how to feel about going to a state where guns are legal

LARDO: those dogs are super active. you barely have the time or space as it is!!!

NURSEY: if you get another dog you should name it barkimedes

BITS: Isn’t that similar to what you named your shark?

NURSEY: yeah, sharkimedes. the others are fin (like finn from star wars) and tony shark

DEX: For the record, I tried to stop him.

NURSEY: not like your lobsters are any better. shelldon, dwayne the rock lobster, floppy bisque?

CHOWDER: i don’t know how i ever thought either of you was cool

CHOWDER: kidding <3

JACK: I like them. Haha.

BITS: You also [cuddled with a hockey puck](https://www.instagram.com/p/9kFZzxk_rK/?taken-by=ngoziu) when you were a baby. Point is, you’re all dorks.

NURSEY: rude

NURSEY: chowder please tell dex sharks don’t usually look like this

NURSEY: he doesn’t believe me

NURSEY: [image of the three shark plushies lined up on his bed; each shark is paired with a lobster]

DEX: That is what they’re supposed to look like!

NURSEY: jaws would say different

NURSEY: i have half a mind to give these to chowder because i don’t know where you got the idea i like sharks

CHOWDER: nursey let me first say that i love you

CHOWDER: but you’re an idiot.

CHOWDER: they look “weird” because these are NURSE sharks

NURSEY: oh

NURSEY: excuse me

JACK: Is everything okay?

CHOWDER: i went upstairs to check on them. and um. squeaky bed is squeaky

SHITS: who’s #whipped now, nurse?

BITS: You guys keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.

RANS: wait only the top bunk is squeaky. did they separate the bunk bed and push the beds together??? WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

HOLTZY: GET IT DEX

RANS: WHOO YEAH GET IT

—

Dex’s clothes are disheveled, and his lips are kiss-swollen, but Nursey’s phone won’t stop playing the first two beats of “Oops!... I Did It Again,” so Nursey reluctantly gets up to silence it. “Fuck.”

“What?”

Nursey gives him a guilty look. “They know about us. Chowder came upstairs to see if we were okay, and the bed wasn’t… quiet.”

“I keep telling you just pushing the beds together won’t solve all our problems.”

“Solved the space and cuddling issues, didn’t it? Plus, you said it’d be a waste of money to buy a new bed for a Haus that always looks like it’s a day from collapsing. I’m really sorry. Not that this will fix anything, but are you okay with the team knowing?”

“They can’t un-know it, so.”

“Hey. Baby, look at me,” Nursey says gently, trying not to spook him. It seems like it’s working. “I can tell them to back off. You know they’re good about that kind of thing.”

“I just liked only us knowing for a while because this is still kind of new.” Dex's hand rubs the back of his neck. "But at the same time, it wasn't like we were hiding?"

“I know. Me, too. Is that your only issue with it?” Nursey makes a frustrated noise. “That sounded horrible. What I mean is. You sound comfortable being out to the team. You don’t hate that they know you’re not straight, but you sound a bit disappointed that they know we’re dating because you wanted to keep this to ourselves for now. Is that right?”

“Yeah. I like… I like them knowing. But only them. Not—”

“Right, will remember not to make out with you on the T. Got it.” Nursey fidgets. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make light of it. It’s a reflex.”

“And I have to get used to wanting to act on my desire to be kind of out, instead of running away. That’s a reflex, too. It’s cool.” Dex sighs. “Listen, I don’t need you to coddle me and ask if every little single thing is okay. If it isn’t, I will let you know, believe me.”

“Boys?” They’ve been so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t even hear Bitty’s loud, obvious footsteps coming up the stairs. “I made you a congratulatory pie. If you’re not decent, just give me two seconds to get out of here, okay?”

“It’s not even been twenty minutes!” Dex shouts. His ears are burning again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Dex's possible titles went on, Dex got less chirpy and more......true ;___;
> 
> P.S. My notes for the starga(y)zing scene were: lots and lots of kissing (and then that didn't happen......)
> 
> P.P.S. Fun fact: "Ice Ice Baby" and "You're Beautiful" have graced "worst song ever" lists, which was completely unintentional - I didn't know this until I was looking up the music video for "You're Beautiful" to make sure I was thinking of the right one
> 
> P.P.P.S. [TSA dogs up for adoption!](http://parade.com/493118/lindsaylowe/you-can-adopt-dogs-that-didnt-quite-make-it-as-tsa-bomb-sniffers/)
> 
> P.P.P.P.S. Artichoke Pizza in NYC is a real pizzeria that has (imo) expensive pizza, and they don't just serve artichoke pizza


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RANS: dude ALL the smh d-pairs have dated. the full saying is: “one in four, maybe more, unless you’re on the hockey team” or soccer, tbh
> 
> [December 17, 2015. The Petting Zoo Incident '16. The Petting Zoo Experience '17. And finally, a Yelp review.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said 8 chapters max, but it might be 9 now. I just keep thinking of more things, which I know has turned this into a sprawling mess of both plot and slice of life stuff, but I hope you'll bear with me for the rest! It will all soon be over, I promise. 
> 
> I know I also said I'd probably be updating a bit more slowly, and I completely expected that for this chapter because I've been having trouble with thinking about how to write it, but it surprisingly got easier as the night went on (this is after hours of agonizing over it), and the slower updates will still happen (not by much, though, I hope. like every 2-4 days?), but I'm not going to have much time to write tomorrow, so I thought I'd try to finish this chapter first to make up for that.
> 
> In case you don't remember, the petting zoo date (first time around) was the one where they got kicked out because a homophobic employee saw them flirting with/chirping each other, which freaked Dex out really badly. (They were both rattled by the incident, but Dex in particular.)

you-are-dex:

> it was our sixth date, the last for the fall semester, and from when our co-captains dropped us off, The Boy was quiet. that was breaking the rule that said we had to talk to each other during it (if you break a rule, that outing can’t be counted as a date, and it’d have to be repeated). myself, i kept quiet because i had a paper i needed to finish and the captains had said they’d get us once we’d finished the whole course or once three hours had elapsed. we'd seemed to have reached a silent agreement to just get it over with so that we could get back to campus faster, which was why i didn’t crack any jokes about how at home he looked, in his flannel and playing this white dad sport (but oh, how much i wanted to).
> 
> we both sucked pretty badly, i gotta say. i mean the ball was going in, but it’d take a while. too used to pucks, i guess. but miraculously, neither of us chirped the other for it. probably because we weren’t as good as we are now at recognizing each other’s chirps. chirps used to lead to huge arguments, and then, well, to that hockey experiment. everything was peaceful and quiet except for the occasional “nice swing” (i had no idea what i was talking about; my mom’s white dad had tried to teach me when i was younger but it didn’t stick).
> 
> …until the fire nation attacked. by which i mean my school’s lax bros. they’re the worst human beings on earth. i say this with the utmost conviction that they are the Worst. time and time again, they’ve been gross. really homophobic and misogynistic and just plain unhygienic. individually, lax bros aren’t that bad. two of my teammates are dating two lax bros, and i like them fine. it's just when they’re all together that they turn into this lax-y, hockey-hating hive mind with a penchant for homophobia.
> 
> you see, that day was college day (half-price if you show your college id after 2 pm), so the golf course was swarming with people from my school. esp lax bros, as i was to find out. it was just our luck that four lax bros were tailing us (not the twins my teammates are dating). they'd been making “offhand” remarks about how gay The Boy and i looked, since it was just the two of us, which was 1) pretty tame and 2) not exactly true, since i’m pan.
> 
> i saw The Boy clench his fists, but he said nothing. (they used to not do stuff like this but that might have been bc there was this white boy with a pornstache on our team who’d lie on their porch naked but for a floral snapback and hot pink towel, stinking of weed, but he’s since graduated, unfortunately.)
> 
> so we ignored them and moved on from course to course, watching quietly as the other person swung the club. sometimes The Boy or i would crack a joke, but there wasn’t really any conversation or anything. just quietness, but it felt friendly, so i wasn’t too bothered by it. he was uncharacteristically quiet that day, and since he wasn’t finding stuff to nag me about, which would reliably get me to respond and lead to a fight, i figured i owed it to him to be quiet and let him golf in peace.
> 
> and then i heard it. the worst sound in the world: the voice of a lax bro. “hockey is just golf on ice,” the voice said. i dropped my club.
> 
> The Boy stopped me, which was definitely a role reversal; he’s always been one for fists (i haven’t fought since high school). “d, don’t engage.”
> 
> “but you heard him!”
> 
> “yeah,” The Boy said, rolling his eyes. “it's pretty obvious that they’re looking for a fight. do you _want_ to break their rule about getting kicked out and having to do this all over again?”
> 
> yes, i wanted to say. yes, because i really like spending time with you even though i don’t know what that means yet. yes, because sometimes i want to say really weird things like offer to teach you how to play golf just so i can feel your body against mine in any way that i can, even though i really don't know how to golf. but that’s neither here nor there.
> 
> so i agreed, and we continued with the golfing, and after a little bit, i started to feel really sleepy waiting for The Boy to finish his turns. it wasn’t until a little after that that i realized that The Boy was doing it on purpose. he was making big displays of positioning himself and examining the ball’s distance from the hole, analyzing the layout of the obstacles, everything. behind us, i could hear the lax bros grumbling about the long wait, and i started doing that too, grinning as we spent minutes between each swing/attempt.
> 
> then the same lax bro approached us, and. i will admit the argument was absurd to begin with, and given that they were lax bros, we let them egg us on, but how could we not defend ourselves? “did you hear what i said?” he demanded to know, and everything went downhill from there. the ensuing argument was so loud that the lax bros and The Boy and i were kicked out, and i heard some other people from my school groaning, “no wonder we had to wait so long. it was the fucking hockey AND lax teams again” as we were being escorted out. but that didn’t matter; we’d won.
> 
> The Boy had come alive during the argument. it was the first time we’d been in an argument and were on the same side, even though we did end up breaking the don’t-get-kicked-out rule, and i liked that. being on the same side. i'd never been able to imagine the two of us being like that before, not plausibly, but after that day, standing up to the lax bros, it was easy.
> 
> i looked at him, as we sat on the curb to wait for our captains to pick us up. he grinned at me, and i thought, _oh_.
> 
> december 17, 2015. rest in fucking pieces, me.

#The Boy #no chill tag #that hockey experiment #i know i said i wouldn’t be talking about it again but given RL developments i thought i’d reminisce <3 #open mic was great too #i didn’t perform this yr bc i’ve been really busy but there was much kissing after <3

—

It’s quiet. Nursey’s just crawled into bed when Dex clasps his hand tightly. “Good shit at Open Mic tonight, huh?”

“How are you a poet?” Dex asks, rolling his eyes.

“Have you forgotten I’m a hockey bro, too?” Nursey deepens his voice toward the end, making Dex laugh, but he can tell something’s on his mind; Dex always flicks his nose and Nursey always retaliates, resulting in a full-on wrestling match, even before they started the dating thing—though nowadays the wrestling always involves a lot more kissing. “What’s up?”

“I was just thinking,” Dex says, quiet, but it’s pensive, rather than tense of a pause. “I never told you I read your poem after. After you finished it, I mean. Lardo showed it to me during the summer.”

Nursey sticks an arm out and turns on the lamp. His body feels calm, but it's a forced calm. “Yeah? What’d you think?”

“We’ve never talked about what happened. Toward the end. Why I…” Dex remains in his arms, looking at him. “I know it’s my fault. I don’t know why you wanted to try again with me.”

“It wasn’t only your fault.” Nursey strokes a thumb along Dex’s jawline. “I was impatient. Why wouldn’t I want to try again with you? Why would _you_  want to try again with me? Are you not afraid that I’ll demand something from you that you can’t give, again?”

“Aren’t you worried that I’ll never be comfortable being with you in public?”

“No. I’m not saying that everything’s perfect now,” Nursey says carefully. “But we’re getting better. We know each other better now, and I think we’re more ready than when we tried the first time last year. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, but,” Dex swallows. He’s tense, but at least he’s not trying to move away. “I’m sorry I took it out on you and accused you of having an elaborate act to get dibs.”

“I’m sorry I blew up at you instead of stopping to consider what would have made you say that.”

“I shouldn’t have said it in the first place,” Dex says, quiet and fast.

“There are no shoulds,” Nursey reminds him.

He won’t look at Nursey anymore. “The panic attack you told your therapist about—that was during our fight, wasn’t it.” His voice is dull, and Nursey can feel dampness on his clavicle. “I just realized it. I hurt you. You hurt me, too, but you only said all that stuff because you were trying to get away from me saying all that bad stuff first.”

“It wasn’t great,” Nursey admits, tightening his hold on Dex. “I didn’t tell you because. Because.”

“Because we already weren’t speaking to each other.” Nursey can feel Dex’s eyes scrunch up even more tightly than before. “But then we started talking again, and you didn’t say anything. Or did you mean for me to make the connection myself?”

“No, I don’t know. I didn’t want to say because it’s—embarrassing. You didn’t know, and I was fine after a few minutes, so I figured no harm done.” Nursey kisses his forehead. “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you. I just didn't want to bring up whatever happened last year before we both wanted to talk about it. And anyway, I should’ve been handling it myself, and I did.”

“There are no shoulds,” Dex echoes back, but not mockingly.

“You’re learning,” Nursey teases, before getting serious again. “ _We_ are learning. Because we want to be better and we want each other. Can my boyfriend tell me everything he liked about my poem for him now?”

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Dex rolls his eyes at Nursey’s attempt to lighten up the mood. He gives Nursey a shy smile, though, so Nursey considers it a win. “Still. I’m sorry. I’m going to remember that in the future. You’ll let me know if you want me to help, won’t you?”

“You have my back, and I have yours,” Nursey agrees, grunting as Dex shifts to get his head back on a pillow. He’d complain at the sudden loss of Dex’s weight on his chest if Dex didn't suddenly grasp both sides of his head and kiss him.

“For the record, I loved your poem. All of it,” Dex tells him, as he gets back on top of Nursey. Elbows bracketing Nursey’s head, Dex leans in closer, staying just out of reach every time Nursey tries to rise up to kiss him. His eyes are still a bit red, but his voice is remarkably composed. “Especially the end. I kept thinking about what happened in the end, and I kept wanting it during the summer.”

“Then you should remember champagne’s kind of messy in bed,” is all Nursey is able to say, before Dex finally lets his full weight fall on him.

(They get fined for the squeaky bed the next morning, but whatever. The money’s going toward the rest of their dates, anyway.)

—

Thu, Mar 23, 2017, 10:10 AM **  
Holtzy** renamed the conversation **fancy deeting you here**.

HOLTZY: How’s the dating going?

HOLTZY: The dates, I mean. Not the D-men turned D-BFs part.

HOLTZY: But if you're offering deets for the second one, I'm not complaining. I love deets.

NURSEY: they’re good! we just finished #11. the order got a little shuffled bc dex had the idea to turn the freebie into stargayzing <3

DEX: You’ve been talking to Jess, haven’t you.

DEX: Ever since you added each other on Snapchat, the rest of the team’s been telling me that they didn’t know that my [body part] looked like that at that angle.

NURSEY: you could always get snapchat and find out what they’re talking about <3

DEX: I’m good, thanks. Anyway, the dates have been good. Don’t worry, we haven’t been letting the Sin Bin fund our date dates.

DEX: The ones we go on that aren’t required by the experiment, I mean

RANS: nbd once me and holtzy figured out our shit, we just kept going because now we could go on dates for science AND for free

DEX: Oh. When did you figure it out?

RANS: like #5 maybe?

HOLTZY: #3, tops.

RANS: no #5 was when we made it official

RANS: ohhhhh #3 bc of… good times

RANS: confusing, but good

NURSEY: speaking of making things official, have you guys started to think about your wedding plans yet?

HOLTZY: Other than asking each other to be our best bro? Nope.

RANS: at least we were able to do that part when we were actually at niagara falls

RANS: though our families nixed that idea p quickly

RANS: something about “not feasible” and “i know you two are bros first and foremost” and “but this is going too far”

HOLTZY: Babe, I have the best idea.

HOLTZY: Since Shitty said he wants to be flower girl, and Lardo said she wanted a break from all of our “drama,” and Chowder would probably cry if we asked him to choose between us, and Jack’s schedule is too packed, and Bitty wanted to do some of the unrelated-to-best-bro planning

HOLTZY: He hasn’t forgiven us for last year’s Winter Screw, I think.

RANS: he won’t be forgiving us for that for a long time i bet. what's your idea?

HOLTZY: Nursey and Dex!

DEX: What?

NURSEY: sweet

RANS: !!!!! this would be perfect because it’d be like d-men symmetry or something

HOLTZY: Symme-D!

RANS: that kind of looks like a penis

NURSEY: what kinds of penises have you been looking at

DEX: DON’T ANSWER THAT

HOLTZY: So will you guys???

NURSEY: i would be honored. placing second behind lardo = placing first anywhere else

DEX: If you’re really, really sure, yes.

RANS: good thing we didn’t have to get desperate and go looking for berger and cohen

HOLTZY: They were cool, but still gross. They're the reason the top bunk squeaks now. Though I suppose we can't call it the top bunk anymore…

DEX: The three most recent SMH d-pairs have all dated?

RANS: dude ALL the smh d-pairs have dated. the full saying is: “one in four, maybe more, unless you’re on the hockey team” or soccer, tbh

NURSEY: so when you asked us to do this experiment…

RANS: i knew getting together was a possibility? not every d-pair in the past went on these dates and they still got together. or they went on them and became friends but it wasn’t until after all of that that they started dating

HOLTZY: God, Dex, haven't you been reading Rans’ research?

RANS: some of them are no longer together, but like at least two d-men’s kids are named after their d-partners soooooooooooooooo

RANS: sorry. we should’ve told you but i honestly think it’s just a coincidence

HOLTZY: Plus it might have influenced the results and how you guys ended up.

DEX: I mean, it worked out, so.

NURSEY: aww babe!! <3

HOLTZY: FOINE

—

2:17PM

 **William**  
Yeah I can finish it in a week, as long as I can figure out how to work in the lever stuff, and I think I can. It looks easy enough.  
Just let me know when you’re coming by to give me the stuff, and I’ll attach it all for you. A mini model of a hydraulic press, huh? Pretty cool idea.

 **Larissa**  
thanks dex! oh and here’s a picture of the hollow object that i want the press to be able to “break” open. dimensions are 3”x1.5”x1” so i need a base that can hold that

 **William**  
Nice!  
What’s this for?  
Wait, didn’t you crush gummy bears on your first date with Shitty?  
Is this why you wanted to know if my sister had any extra bottles of pink nail polish lying around?  
FB SAYS THIS WAS “SEEN” ANSWER ME LARISSA DUAN

—

“How many rules have we broken now?” Dex grumbles, as he passes out the petting zoo admission tickets.

“Bitty okayed it,” Nursey reminds him. “Plus, this is for a legit reason. Safety in numbers. Ransom and Holster will understand.”

Dex excuses them from Chowder and Cait for a moment and drags Nursey out of earshot. “Sorry, I’m just nervous, I guess. A bit afraid.”

“Yeah, that man was really fucking rude,” Nursey says.

“No, I mean—yes, he was rude.” Dex takes a deep breath. He won’t look at Nursey again. “But I’m more afraid that what happened after that date will happen this year, too. I like holding your hand out in public, but.”

“I get it. There’s a precedent here. That’s why Chowder and Cait are with us; we look less like a couple when it’s a group of us. But are you sure you still want to do this? We can still get our tickets refunded if you and Cait do your Entitled White Cishets™ impression.”

“I _do_ do a pretty good Uncle Marty impression,” Dex says, just to make Nursey laugh. Sometimes, Nursey will hold Dex’s wrist when Dex says those things, and then he can feel Dex’s pulse quicken just the smallest bit at Nursey's laugh This is not one of those times, because Nursey isn't holding his hand yet, but Dex plans to remedy that soon. “But yes, I want to. Those assholes have no right to say these things to us, but at the same time, I know I can’t hide forever.” Dex stretches a hand out to him.

“Attabro!” Nursey says, fist-bumping him instead. Dex chases him back to Chowder and Cait, both of them shrieking like Bitty did when he saw his unsolicited Winter Screw date last year.

—

 **momfordsandson** ∙ 1d

[image of Chowder and Cait letting baby goats eat from their hands; Dex is in the corner and looks like he is about to cry, surrounded by goats]

craving that craver of minerals

♥ 71 likes

> **omgcheckplease**  Did it happen again?! What’s the name of that piece of scum? Bless his heart, I'll call them right now and demand that vile creature be fired immediately!
> 
> **sayyestothejess** yeah where is he. i wanna fight him (p.s. everyone looks so cute here!!! cait is that baby kissing your hand i’m going to cry)
> 
> **caitfarm** lol yes jess. that one was a gentleman. gentlekid?
> 
> **momfordsandson** CHILL. dex just looks upset because he’s really into the baby goats
> 
> **caitfarm** in all fairness, derek, your face was exactly the same when you started playing with them
> 
> **momfordsandson** yeah but that’s because i watch ellen. what's dex’s excuse
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** yeah don’t worry bitty! that guy has already been fired!
> 
> **caitfarm** good thing too. chris spent nearly half the time there just glaring at all the employees
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** it wasn’t that i didn’t think you guys couldn’t handle it!! it’s just that thinking about what happened to you made me so mad!!!
> 
> **momfordsandson** no it was nice! we got extra time with the goats and everything, so
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  As he should’ve been. As glad as I am, I wish I was the one to take him down.
> 
> **omgcheckplease** NO ONE hurts my frogs.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** I’m glad everything worked out so nicely!
> 
> **holsom**  I’m glad that fucker got fired. Also, didn’t we tell you that you didn’t have to go back there?
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Yeah. But I wanted to. We found out about him getting fired because a manager told us. Last year, I guess we were acting more coupley than we realized? So that employee came and told us to cut it out.
> 
> **bringingdexyback** That you already know. But what we didn’t know at the time was that two girls watched the whole thing. They looked like Samwell sorority girls, the manager said. One was a white blonde with blue eyes, and the other looked to be a brunette of East Asian descent.
> 
> **bringingdexyback** They posted a negative review on the Yelp page detailing what had happened, and then the one who was telling us about it reviewed the security camera footage from that day. She managed to catch a glimpse of our faces on the camera just as we were leaving.
> 
> **momfordsandson** she said she never forgets a face so she was delighted to see us come back
> 
> **momfordsandson** she apologized for the incident and then gave us a lot of merch and a voucher good for 12 more trips (regardless of how many people so we can totally bring the whole team)!!
> 
> **momfordsandson** she was much nicer than we expected, right dex?
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Yeah, she really was. She said we’d (understandably) looked really upset on the footage and was glad to see that we had recovered from it and that we were still together.
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Awwww! <3
> 
> **larissaduan** welp shits looks like we don’t have to go scope out the potential homophobes anymore
> 
> **420pornstache69** yeah :( but can we still go to have fun??
> 
> **larissaduan** ugh i guess (jk <3)
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Wait what
> 
> **larissaduan** after we read the report we decided to start going monthly to check out who might’ve been the likeliest to be the homophobe who hurt you?
> 
> **420pornstache69** it was surprisingly difficult to do, even though lardo and camilla were holding hands the whole time
> 
> **420pornstache69** (i was the rich white guy backup just in case there was any trouble)
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Camilla Collins?
> 
> **larissaduan** yeah. i went out with her the year before you did, remember? we stayed friends after. problem?
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** No, I just thought she didn’t, uh
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Stay in touch with her exes. Never mind, just ignore me.
> 
> **larissaduan** oooookay. anyway, ofc that’s when we found out this petting zoo’s staff is known for being lgbt and that this zoo is supposed to be lgbt-friendly
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Wow, I had no idea. I honestly can’t thank you enough
> 
> **momfordsandson** aww he’s really moved you guys. he's crying like :’) chowder too and neither of em is even drunk
> 
> **bringingdexyback** You are, too, so don’t even.
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** i just love you guys so much and want you to be so happy and to be together and make each other happy and not have to deal with anyone or anything else that can potentially make you unhappy
> 
> **momfordsandson** we love you too chowder!!!!!
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Crying frogs? Good thing I just made more pie!
> 
> **momfordsandson** one day we're going to find out how you can afford to bake so much pie. not that i'm complaining, mind.
> 
> **ranster** okay so i looked up the review on yelp and it reads:
> 
> **ranster** “Samwell Petting Zoo. We were, like, really disappointed at how your homophobic dickhead of an employee treated the other cuties with the booty!! He kept going on about their ~lifestyle~ which was totes NOT COOL AT ALL. If we could have, we def would have gotten right in his face and told him to shut up, but we couldn’t, which is why we did this instead! How dare he kick them out when their luv is so bootyful!!! If we could have, we would have given this place like ZERO FREAKING STARS since it was clearly lying about accepting everyone!!!!!!! Peace, J♥nny + M♥ndy (names partially redacted to maintain anonymity)”
> 
> **holsom**  Rans won’t stop shivering, and I’ve been aggressively cuddling him for the past five minutes.
> 
> **holsom**  I wish you were here, Shits. You too, Jack. Your ass is better than any hot water bottle.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Thanks, I guess?
> 
> **ranster** HOW IS THAT ANONYMOUS
> 
> **ranster** I KNOW IT’S THEM EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T EXIST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember in "a matter of two," back when R&H talked about going to Toronto/Buffalo/Niagara Falls and then they did and they took a selfie with Ransom's niece and their new puppy??? And in this chapter they talk about how their families didn't want them being each other's best man? Yeah.
> 
> I wonder why the Yelp review writers couldn't go up to the homophobic employee and tell him off directly?
> 
> For their senior year, Ransom and Holster definitely led Bitty to believe they'd set him up with a lax bro for Winter Screw even though he hadn't wanted a date, and then it was totally just Jack.
> 
> I have to say that my favorite username out of all of them is Caitlyn Farmer's because it's 1) her name and 2) a pun on State Farm Insurance.
> 
> Lardo, what are you doing with the thing you're asking for Dex's help with?
> 
> Ellen DeGeneres loves baby goats. [Kate McKinnon agrees.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7iYspE5TQQ)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How. How the _fuck_ did Dex think he could do this?
> 
> [I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!]
> 
> Warnings for: Dex almost getting outed, description of a panic attack. The panic attack scene is the very last one that starts with Nursey asking, "You okay?" Just know that things don't end well. (sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It......might be 10 chapters. Maybe. There was an extra scene I wanted to include in this chapter, but it was getting long, so I might have to add an extra one. I don't know. I don't know!

**larissaduan** ∙ 6h

♥

[image of Lardo kneeling, the mini hydraulic press still in her hand; Shitty has tear streaks on his face and is cradling two halves of what appear to be a hollow pink gummy bear made of wood in his hands; inside the gummy bear sits a silver ring; the backdrop is the Charles River, and the sun is setting]

♥ 143 likes

> **larissaduan** he said yes! :)
> 
> **holsom**  No fucking way NO FUCKING WAY.
> 
> **420pornstache69** there are leaves on this thing BLAZE IT
> 
> **420pornstache69** TOLD YOU this was a fucking good place to propose. i’m so glad someone (LARD♥♥♥♥♥♥♥) listened to me
> 
> **momfordsandson** 1) it’s april fool’s BUT 2) lardo prefers to half-ass her pranks
> 
> **momfordsandson** it’s always shoe checks or mixing up everyone’s jock straps
> 
> **momfordsandson** this does not compute
> 
> **larissaduan** that’s only because no one pranks me good anymore. you aren’t worth the effort
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** No one has forgotten the time you sprinkled Legos all over the locker room floor, stole all our shoes, and dumped ketchup all over them. Before drinking half a bottle of sriracha sauce and belching in our faces.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** You missed all your classes the next day because your stomach was hurting so badly!
> 
> **larissaduan** worth it.
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** when did that happen?
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** That was my sophomore year, after Ransom and Holster placed all the equipment, first aid kits, her clipboard, etc. on top of the lockers.
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** suddenly i am very glad i temporarily "lost" nursey and dex’s phone chargers last year and they slept in on april fool’s because i didn’t wake them up until 20 min before their classes started
> 
> **bringingdexyback** You what.
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** i saved us!!!!!!!!
> 
> **420pornstache69** :’’’’’’’’’’’’’’{D
> 
> **momfordsandson** what the fuck is that it looks like a dick
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** i'm glad i didn’t have to say it thank you nursey
> 
> **420pornstache69** excuse you i am crying and smiling and my mustache is calmly taking all of it in
> 
> **momfordsandson** congrats if it’s real, try harder if it’s not
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Ditto. This is the thing I helped you with. Is it, I don’t know, performance art?
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Commentary on gender roles, maybe?
> 
> **momfordsandson** it’s going to need a title. may i suggest ring bearer
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Motion to add “Inventing proposals in order to solicit pie” to the list of finable offenses.
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  And bad puns.
> 
> **holsom**  Aye.
> 
> **ranster** aye
> 
> **larissaduan** damn
> 
> **420pornstache69** foiled again. damn damn damn
> 
> **larissaduan** that’s enough, shits
> 
> **takes22tango** ??? it’s been raining all week tho??? and it’s sunny in your picture?? when did you take this?

—

To: **Derek Malik Nurse**

I don’t have a way with words like you do, but I want to try, because you deserve it. You look at me, and your face brightens. I don’t know if I’ve done anything to deserve that, but I want to. So much. Which is why I want to try to write something for you.

It’s too early, I know, but it’s not like I ever had any chill to begin with—we’ve only really been dating for two months, but I’ve fallen in love with you. How else can I explain how happy you make me by just existing?

—

3:23PM

 **William**  
Thanks so much for this. What are you thinking about doing?

 **Jessica  
** no prob! as if i'd keep my big bro from seeing his lovey-dovey boyfriend<3

 **William**  
It isn’t like that. I mean it is, but not for this one. This is the last one for the experiment.

 **Jessica**  
like that’s stopped you on previous dates for the experiment  
derek sent me a snapchat of you crying into his shoulder as you petted a baby goat and wailing, “how? HOW?!” and you only calmed down after he kissed you on the forehead

 **William**  
That was not my finest hour.  
But with our schedules, we can only do the last one Saturday, so it’s really important that we don’t get interrupted.  
Or, uh, outed

 **Jessica**  
yep i know. dw i'll just take mom out for dinner before bringing her to our volleyball showcase

 **William**  
Great, thank you! Do you need money?

 **Jessica**  
nah it’s my week with the misdemeanor cleaner  
(not that i’d let you cover that anyway, since i know you worked overtime for at least the past three summers to pay for that trip last summer)  
it’s like your sin bin but each of us gets to take turns spending the money from it each week because we’re not hockey bros who seem to subsist only on beer and sriracha when left unattended

 **William**  
Right.

—

 **bringingdexyback** ∙ 1d

[image of a big-ass spider in the middle of The Spider Web]

Found Charlotte.

♥ 42 likes

> **holsom**  Holy shit.
> 
> **ranster** ditto ^
> 
> **takes22tango** does it bite? even if it doesn’t, can we relocate elsewhere to do CS stuff dex?
> 
> **takes22tango** i’d rather be on the hazmat couch naked than get near that thing
> 
> **420pornstache69** been there done that
> 
> **whiskeytf** I’d rather have the spider.
> 
> **holsom**  Let’s not do this, please; we BARELY survived Roaches v. Attic.
> 
> **ranster** SURVIVED? WE’RE STILL GOING BABY
> 
> **420pornstache69** anyway, that’s a beaut right there
> 
> **420pornstache69** or, if you don’t like spider webs, that is a repulsive abomination
> 
> **420pornstache69** either or neither or both is okay!
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Shut up, Shitty.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Where did it come from? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before, yet it looks right at home in that web. That’s still the same web from the beginning of the year, right? And from when Ransom and Holster lives there?
> 
> **momfordsandson**  yep! the spider just appeared the other day.
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** you didn’t kill it did you?
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Want me to kill it? We have worse in Georgia.
> 
> **momfordsandson** i vote for letting it stay
> 
> **larissaduan** if you’re going to kill it, can i come up this weekend to take some pictures of it first?
> 
> **larissaduan** shitty’s right, it is a beaut
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Yes to Lardo. Nah, C and Bitty. It’s a bit scary, but I think I can live with it.

—

Google ∙ **creative ways to use instagram**

—

[unlisted] **a (w)h** ♥ **ls** ♥ **m(e) pr** ♥ **p** ♥ **sal**

**larissaduan** ∙ 42 videos

| 

420 views  
  
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Subscribe ∙ 69

| 

[I like this] 420 ∙ [I dislike this] 0  
  
**Uploaded on April 6, 2017**

Ransom and Holster’s proposal video! Edited by Bitty and me. Music: [“Anchor” by Mindy Gledhill](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AWRHBHDVlQ).

P.S. Ransom and Holster made us change all the O’s in the title into hearts, so don’t blame us.

 **COMMENTS** ∙

> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  :’)
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  wait is that an actual puck what the puck
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  TWO actual pucks?
> 
> **Caitlyn Farmer** 2 hours ago  
>  please make him stop he keeps replaying 2:04-2:11. now he’s got me doing it too! congrats though, justin and adam! larissa and eric, you did a damn fine job!
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  cait… : <
> 
> **Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz** 2 hours ago  
>  don’t worry, those are the pucks that johnson sent us the day after we got engaged, which was swawesome bc we didn’t even have to ask him for them! he just somehow knew!
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  you… drilled holes. into hockey pucks. both of you. just to hold engagement rings
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  the hockey gods are testing me.
> 
> **Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz** 2 hours ago  
>  They were the first goals we scored for each other! :’) Thanks, Lards and Bits!
> 
> **Christopher Chow** 2 hours ago  
>  it’s kind of a cute idea but god at what cost?
> 
> **Eric Richard Bittle** 1 hour ago  
>  No prob  <3 And grats again!
> 
> **Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz** 1 hour ago  
>  Is this account linked to…the elusive Better Bitty Baking Blog?!
> 
> **Eric Richard Bittle** 1 hour ago  
>  Haha. No.
> 
> **Derek Malik Nurse** 1 hour ago  
>  congrats again!!! dexy, why don’t you ever score me any goals? or any at all.
> 
> **Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz** 1 hour ago  
>  DAMN BURN!
> 
> **William James Jeremy Poindexter** 1 hour ago  
>  How about you score a goal first, and then we’ll talk. (Grats again, R &H! This looks so good and not at all like they haven’t cleaned the apartment since they got BFS, Lardo and Bitty.)
> 
> **Larissa Duan** 1 hour ago  
>  hence the artistically random transitions to clips from previous roadies, snapchats, etc. i wish i'd thought to whip up a green screen beforehand
> 
> **Larissa Duan** 1 hour ago  
>  but hey! now it looks like a feel-good (b)romcom about a bro who doesn’t know how to let loose and another bro who has trouble taking things seriously! well, the beginning, at least. like, part 1.
> 
> **John Johnson** 1 hour ago  
>  HINT HINT
> 
> **B. Knight** 1 hour ago  
>  am i still flower girl : >
> 
> **Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz** 1 hour ago  
>  ofc bro
> 
> **Jack Laurent Zimmermann** 34 minutes ago  
>  This looks fantastic! Oh, by the way, Ransom and Holster, I have, uh, done what you asked. If you don’t believe me, check this week’s NHL highlights.
> 
> **Eric Richard Bittle** 33 minutes ago  
>  It’s at 5:01-5:15 (and then there’s a minute after that of just increasingly slower replays). You're welcome.
> 
> **Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz** 30 minutes ago  
>  YES!
> 
> **Adam Oluransi-Birkholtz** 30 minutes ago  
>  I mean, I believe you. But(t).
> 
> **B. Knight** 28 minutes ago  
>  butt who wouldn’t want to be invited by jacques jacky laurent zimmermann to check out jacques jacky laurent zimmermann’s ass?
> 
> **Jack Laurent Zimmermann** 25 minutes ago  
>  I definitely did not say that. That being said, do you think the ring bearer will be able to walk AND balance both rings on it at the same time?
> 
> **Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz** 23 minutes ago  
>  listen to me here jack. ngozi is the most talented individual of all time. she can walk ANYWHERE. she can balance ANYTHING. she can hold onto ANYTHING with the strength and intensity of a thousand sons’ date mates screaming “WHEN WILL MY HUSBAND RETURN FROM THE WAR.” she’s PERFECT.
> 
> **Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz** 22 minutes ago  
>  also, if we can’t have your ass be the ring pillow, we will have the next best thing, which is a puck you scored a goal with by letting it bounce off your ass
> 
> **Justin Oluransi-Birkholtz** 22 minutes ago  
>  FOR CANADA

—

“Here we are again,” Nursey says, clinking a glass of champagne against Dex’s. “The only difference is we’re drinking the champagne here and not at the lake.”

“Well, that and right over there are Tango and Whiskey and their lacrosse boyfriends. Looks like they’re on a double date.“ Dex gives them a little wave, and they wave back.

“Good thing Bitty signed that truce with their captain. How on earth did they land gay identical twins, do you think?” Nursey sips his champagne. “Want some?”

“Sh,” Dex hisses.

“Dude, have you forgotten?”

“Have _you_ forgotten?” Dex hisses again, momentarily smiling and shaking his head no when a waiter walks by.

“Oh, that’s right. You’re still a baby.”

“I’m twenty.”

“A baby compared to me,” Nursey pronounces him, but he’s laughing and playing with Dex’s fingers. Dex wants to do something silly like tuck Nursey’s curls behind his ear, but Nursey’s wearing his Samwell crimson headband today. “I’m sure they won’t mind if you want to sneak a few sips.”

He settles for running his thumb across the fleshy part of Nursey’s palm. “I’ll wait until after, maybe.”

“Like the surprise you’re giving me for being your favorite boyfriend?”

Dex rolls his eyes. “You’re my _only_ —”

A mass of springy red hair barrels into their table, making the champagne in Nursey’s glass slosh around. “Dex! I kept calling and you wouldn’t pick up and god I’m so sorry but I—”

“Slow down, Jess.” Dex rummages in his pocket for his phone. Sure enough, there are seven missed calls and twelve texts, all from Jess in the past eight minutes. “What’s going on? Is it Mom? Is she okay?”

“She's fine,” Jess says, gasping for air. Her glasses are askew. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were going to be _here_ , but I saw you in the window as we were being seated, and she was on her way to the bathroom, so as soon as she—”

“So this is what you were doing instead of having dinner with your old ma. Are you too cool for your ma now?”

Dex has long taken his hand off Nursey’s; his feet are plastered to his own chair’s legs. He doesn’t—can’t—look at Nursey. Instead, he stands up, straightens his posture, puffs out his chest. Prepares for battle. “Hi, Mom. Yeah, sorry. I—”

“It’s my fault, honestly. I keep telling him he’s got to try the food here. This place and a few others on this block are doing their own mini Restaurant Week right now,” Nursey interrupts, flashing Dex’s mother his charismatic grin. That grin always makes Dex’s heart skip a beat, but today it just rankles; Nursey’s composure is jarring in how practiced his façade is, how easily he switches from being Dex’s boyfriend to being his ambiguous dinner companion. Nursey stands up, too, extending a hand to her. “I’m Derek Nurse. Will and I play hockey together.”

Dex manages to keep himself from flinching when his mom waits just a second too long, as she takes in Nursey’s headband, but also his beard, but only barely; they had been growing their playoff beards, but had been too busy to shave it off yet, and Dex is suddenly glad he only has beard burn on his thighs. Fuck, how much did she see of them—him—before approaching their table? Did she pause because he isn’t white, since their hometown is as diverse as Paul Ryan’s interns?

Jess grabs his hand, and Dex holds on tightly, wishing it was Nursey’s, as he watches Nursey play nice and say all the right things to assure his mom that they’re just your average heterbros who happen to be seated at a table for two for dinner at a fancy restaurant. Dex manages somewhat of a smile-grimace, nodding whenever his mom or Nursey addresses him.

To her credit, Jess doesn’t move an inch, letting Dex squeeze her hand to smithereens, it seems like, even though she bruises easily, too.

Every now and then, Nursey gives him a smile that is probably meant to soothe or reassure, but he can’t bring himself to return it. Even when his mom and Jess go back to their table, Dex can’t stop shaking; he flinches when their ankles brush against each other, and Nursey doesn’t touch him again.

How. How the _fuck_ did Dex ever think he could do this?

—

“You okay?” Nursey asks, still using that same gentle, _condescending_ voice he’s been using all dinner. They’re walking out of the restaurant, making their way to the T.

“I’m fine,” Dex says curtly.

“You don’t sound fine.” Nursey takes a hand out of his pocket, thinks better of it, and sticks it back in. “Look, I know that wasn’t easy.”

“She could have seen.” Dex’s voice trembles. He starts walking faster, outpacing Nursey’s saunter easily. “She probably did.”

“I’m sorry. You can tell her I was just fooling around, trying to tease you by making you feel uncomfortable.”

“You know you weren’t, and _she_ made me feel uncomfortable.” Dex sighs. “Just stop.”

“But if it’ll help—”

“What will _help_ ,” Dex says, whirling around to face him and clenching his fists, “is if you just shut up and stop pretending _you know how I feel or what I want to do_. You’ve had four gay moms almost all your life—how can you act like you know how to fix this? _I_ don’t know how to fix this.”

Dex has started walking again when Nursey replies, his voice small. He is barely audible. “They’re not all gay.”

“What?”

“Not all of my moms are gay. All of them might have ended up marrying women, but they're not all gay,” Nursey repeats. His breath has started to come out in small gasps. “That’s not. That’s not. Not. Fair.”

Dex replays the last minute. “Shit. Nursey—”

“I have to go,” Nursey says, knees buckling. He gropes for a nearby lamppost, leaning over, as if he’s about to vomit. “I have to. Thanks for dinner. Bye.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Dex says, when he’s finally able to force his legs to _move_. He blinks away his tears when he sees Nursey flinch.

“Don’t come near me,” Nursey practically growls. “You fucking hypocrite. Fuck you. You run at every little thing that might expose your sexuality, and you’re telling _me_ not to run away? What if I hadn’t stepped in and saved you? What if I kept holding your hand and told her I was your boyfriend? What if I told her you sucked my—”

“I would have wanted to run even more than I would have. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that I forgot. I know you’re just saying that stuff to hurt me because you want to get away from this situation as fast as you can, but that’s not going to happen because it’s late at night in Boston, and you need someone who isn’t me to be here with you. You’re not dealing with this alone. Not anymore.” Dex pulls out his phone. “If I don’t come any closer, will you let me wait with you while I call Lardo to come get you?”

Nursey doesn’t reply, just sinks to the pavement. He buries his head in his arms, shivering every now and then.

Dex can’t quite keep from crying as he dials. “Hi, are you free right now? You’re with Shitty? That’s perfect, actually. C-could you do me a favor and come get Nursey? He’s not feeling well. I’m with him right now, and I don’t think he needs a hospital—Shitty will know what to do, I think. How fast can you get here? It might be good to get Chowder, yeah, but if it’s convenient to get him after you get Nursey, that’d be great. Yeah, I know. I just figured it’d be polite to say that since you’re doing me a big favor. No, I’m going to take the T back. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be around me right now. Thanks so much. Love you too.”

He sits down a safe distance away and waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very, very sorry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **let it go, bro** @brozen ∙ 9 Apr 2017
> 
> i have five moms.
> 
> [Sweet Buttsy, a close bro-ship, a problem in Texas(?).]
> 
> (Warning for discussion of a past panic attack.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops very sorry about the long wait. I didn't know how to write this chapter so I just sat on it for a very long time. I have no idea how many more chapters are actually left because I keep thinking of new scenes, so I'm just not going to estimate anymore. If you get sick of all these chapters, don't tell me because I am very sensitive. Just know that I am very sorry for dragging it out for so long but at the same time I think of things and want to write them but don't want to go through the trouble of coming up with a new story to put those in. ;______;

**omgcheckplease** ∙ 2m

A new home for couch potabros!

[image of a [new couch](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=22764233) where the old one used to be; the new one is also green, and most importantly, _clean_ ]

♥ 15 likes

> **420pornstache69** NO
> 
> **420pornstache69**  SWEET BUTTSY
> 
> **ranster** dibs on the burning couch pic
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Only because you’re the Insta king! <3
> 
> **420pornstache69** et tu rans?!!
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Rans was easy. I just had to promise him I'd wait until he could be here before we burned the (pardon my French) freaking thing.
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Thanks to Chowder and Dex for helping me move the old one to the basement!
> 
> **tiniestofpatatoes**  Haha
> 
> **imtherealkvp** niiiiiiiiiiiice
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** …How do you know Bitty’s Instagram?
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Bitty, why are you talking to him.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Them. I meant them.
> 
> **momfordsandson** i've only been gone for, like, a day. when did you get this?
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  This morning! Picked it out and immediately bought it. Sorry I made the executive decision without much input, but I just couldn’t take the sight of it anymore.
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Don't worry; since you didn’t have a say, you don’t have to pay a penny. It's covered
> 
> **momfordsandson** there’s no way there was that much $ in the sin bin… right?
> 
> **momfordsandson** we’re not that bad
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** um there was that time last year when ransom and holster led the charge to interrogate the non-chad lax bros bc tango had let slip that he knew where they kept the house key and bitty really let them have it
> 
> **takes22tango** they were so scared they wouldn’t talk to us for two weeks after that!!!
> 
> **bringingdexyback** I thought all of that went toward the… Never mind.
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Wait, I thought I told you if you were ever going to replace it, I wanted to help. How DID you pay for this?
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Bittle, answer your phone.
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  Sorry, in the middle of a Skype squat sesh with Rans! ttyl <3
> 
> **holsom**  Bro, it wasn’t hard to figure out who the taddies were dating because there are only two not-Chads.
> 
> **holsom**  I LOVE the Better Bitty Booty Bureau! WORK IT, RANS!!!
> 
> **whiskeytf** Three. There’s also a Chet.
> 
> **holsom**  Your point?

—

_“You’ve reached the voicemail of Eric Bittle. Please leave a message after the beep, and don’t forget to tell me your favorite kind of pie!”_

“Maple sugar crusted apple. You know, the last time you were over, I thought I heard wrong, but now I know I didn’t. That meowing sound for your texting? _(accusatory)_ That’s Kit Purrson’s meow, isn’t it. _(agitated)_ How long have you been talking to him? Why didn’t you tell me? _(takes a deep breath)_ Sorry. I’m not jealous. _(gentle)_ I just—Love you. Bye.”

—

Dex springs for the door as soon as he hears the car pull up, heart hammering. Nursey looks a bit worn out, but appears fine otherwise; Chowder had returned to the Haus late last night, after Nursey said he was fine, but Dex had still remained awake, staring at the spider web illuminated by the moonlight, until he finally couldn’t look at it or stay in their bed anymore and went downstairs. Lardo follows behind, while Shitty tries to pick Nursey up and carry him to the Haus.

“Chill, I’m fine,” Nursey mock-grumbles, before laughing. God, Dex’s heart hurts. “I’m _taller_ than you.”

“I hate the olden Andover days,” Shitty sighs, his hand over his heart. “But I also miss baby Nursey.”

“Fuck you, I was taller than you then, too!” Nursey says as he reaches the steps, finally looking at Dex. “Dex.”

Nursey only gives him a curt nod, but Dex deserves that. Worse than that, honestly. Lardo and Shitty are still by the car arguing, Shitty having wrestled her into giving her a piggyback ride, Lardo using her position to put him in a friendly headlock. “Nursey, I…”

“Is Bitty in?”

“Derek.” Dex swallows. It’s the day Nursey moved into the Haus all over again. “I just wanted to tell you that I’ve moved my bedding to the couch. You can separate the beds if you want—or I could, just let me know—but a big bed is always nice, and I thought some space would be good, so.”

Nursey nods stiffly. “Thank you. For staying with me even when I said mean things. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for being the asshole first.” Lardo and Shitty are still laughing and tussling in the grass, and Dex is briefly sidetracked by the memory of them doing just that a few days ago. “Bitty’s in the kitchen. He asked your maman for her Dous Makos recipe and has been busy with that since.”

Nursey awkwardly puts a hand on Dex’s shoulder, squeezes, and walks away.

—

Bitty all but shoves him into a chair as soon as he walks in.

“I’m sorry for butchering your maman’s recipe,” Bitty says immediately, as he hands Nursey a plate.

“At least you’re trying,” Nursey replies, as he tastes it. Not as good as his maman’s, but still nice. “Not many white people do. This is pretty good. Thanks.”

Bitty slides into another chair too casually, but Nursey misses it as he polishes off another three helpings. Only when Nursey realizes Bitty hasn’t said anything for a good two minutes does Nursey freeze and look up.

“Thank you for being so nice about my attempt.” Bitty gives him a smile fierce with kindness. “And I’m glad you look better than how Dex described you last night, darlin’. I don’t want to pry, so all I’m gonna say is I’m not the only white person here trying.”

Nursey doesn’t want to be rude, but. “How much did he tell you?”

“Not all that much. He just said that he messed things up. Lord, I found him sleeping on that godawful couch this morning!” Bitty hands him another plate. “You both look like you’ve been put through the wringer. I really don’t want to meddle, but maybe you could—”

“So you know that he’s not planning to go back up to sleep. With—in the attic.” Nursey clears his throat. “That he wants space.”

“I—”

“Thank you so much for the food, Bits,” Nursey says sincerely, trying his best to ignore Bitty’s stricken face. “I’m going to go let Chowder know I’m back.”

—

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 9 Apr 2017

i have five moms.

—

Shitty and Lardo finally make their way into the Haus, with Shitty immediately going into the kitchen to whine at Bitty about needing sustenance to help him grieve the loss of the old couch. At least, until Bitty informs him that the old one is still in the basement. Well, until Ransom and Holster can drive up, anyway. Dex shakes his head as Shitty starts making his way to the basement, stripping as he goes.

Lardo sits on the new couch. “Not bad,” she says. She raises an eyebrow as she takes in Dex’s makeshift camp, with his pillow and blanket and laptop and textbooks, but makes no comment.

“Pretty comfortable. Just needs a bit of breaking in,” Dex agrees awkwardly. Sure, they’re friends, but they’re not really the kind of people to make small talk. “Thanks again, by the way.”

“Of course. Always. You doing okay?”

Dex turns to his laptop because he’s a coward who finds making eye contact with a concerned Lardo terrifying. “Yeah. I didn’t ruin your night too much, I hope.”

She shrugs. “It was just a night in.” Then she turns to look at his laptop, which still has a bunch of pictures open on the screen. “Are these of the spider web?”

“Yeah. It’s not the best quality because the spider kept moving and I don’t think I'm doing it right. Or, I’m not doing it right.”

“That’s why I brought my DSLR,” Lardo says. “I was hoping to go up and take some pictures of it, if that’s okay.”

“Fine with me. Check with Nursey, too, if he’s up there.”

“Want me to share the pictures with you?” Lardo offers. “I’m no Jack, but…”

“No, that’s—actually a great idea. Thanks.”

Lardo nods, giving him a hug before getting up. He’s so stunned that she’s already halfway up the stairs when he calls out to her again, because something suddenly occurs to him.

She stops. “Yeah?”

“How often are you with Shitty that you can have nights in?”

The footsteps resume, but much louder and faster.

—

you-are-dex:

> when i was fifteen, i went missing for three days.
> 
> i was dating the only other openly queer boy i knew. he was my first boyfriend and eventually convinced me that girls were easier (at least until i graduated from high school). well, not him specifically, but our relationship. he told me he’d come out last year to everyone, and i’d assumed that that meant his parents, too. he was white. blond with green eyes. a year older than me. and a legit genius who was smart enough to graduate after only two years of high school.
> 
> we dated for almost six months, i’d say. we met at a hockey game; one of our mutual friends (my teammate) invited him, and even then (not to brag) people knew about my poetry, about how i used pronouns interchangeably in my poems (i was/am also fine with any pronouns back then, too, but given how my school reacted to me and my boyfriend being queer, i figured it was just safer to just keep the “he,” since it wasn’t that i didn’t feel “he” fit me—just that i _also_ sometimes felt “she” and “they” fit me, too). before that i'd only had one girlfriend (and was just getting over that breakup, actually), but i knew i was pan, so i mustered all the courage i had and asked him out after we’d hung out a few times. to my surprise, he said yes. and thus began my first serious relationship.
> 
> growing up with so many mothers (and my mom already being pretty fluid in her gender expression before she came out to me, as you’ll remember from that time i talked about how i came out to her at age sixteen) gave me a pretty fluid understanding of gender and everything, as you already know. that upbringing really allowed me to grow comfortable with expressing my femininity, especially because my moms encouraged it. they bought me clothes and gave me advice whenever i asked. i only ever wore them at home and inside my room at school because even though my moms never said i couldn’t wear them in public, i could tell they were worried about my safety. they were already pretty worried about me going out by myself as a part white/navajo/black kid, and they never said, but i knew appearing gender nonconforming would probably have made them worry more. not to say that my experience should be considered universal, but i don’t really experience dysphoria, so wearing skirts and the like in private and dude duds in public was fine.
> 
> anyway, my boyfriend knew that i sometimes liked skirts and headbands. he never made fun of me for it and affirmed my fashion choices, even, and we somehow worked well together. he was into physics and math and other things like that while i was always more interested in the humanities, but we were also both into sports and doing the most ridiculous shit (there is no way replacing a ball or puck or whatever with an egg will end well). and kissing. there was a lot of that, too.
> 
> but then he was playing his final game and his parents came (don’t tell my college team he played lacrosse) and i met them for the first time and he asked me not to say anything. i quickly realized he wasn’t out to his family, which wasn’t my business, and then a week before he graduated, his parents came to visit again and the four of us went out to dinner. by then, i’d quickly realized that while my boyfriend never said he didn’t want me to be there when he was with his parents, that solely relied on me playing his good friend whose parents ( _straight_ parents, and only two at that) were too busy to visit him. that last bit was true back then, since my moms were all busy with their jobs, so it wasn’t like he was completely lying.
> 
> it became a game. when we hung out with his parents, i mean. his parents stayed the entire week before graduation, so i never had any alone time with my boyfriend. as much as i hate to say it, i played pretend the hell out of that week. or rather, the first half of that week. during a (last) rare moment alone, he told me he was planning to transfer to caltech and would be willing to try long-distance if i was.
> 
> see, i’d fallen for him pretty quickly, but observing him with his parents made me wonder things i never told him about, because they’re not fair things to tell him. like if he’d ever tell his parents about us, or if he just wanted to do long-distance because i had gone along with him wrt pretending we were just friends to his parents and it was less of a hassle to find someone else (who was out like me) as willing to do that as i was, or if i had been a convenient person to date because i was open about my sexuality.
> 
> i don’t remember what i said, just that we broke up that night. i think what had happened was that when he mentioned going long-distance, i started imagining having to do more of what i’d been doing—pretending to be his friend for short bursts of time—for years on end, and that triggered a panic attack. i know. who was to say we’d even be together for that long? but i was fifteen and in my first serious relationship ~~and i’ve always been a romantic~~.
> 
> i've written about why i don’t pretend and how being yelled at to stop pretending can be touchy subjects (given how i was suspended and misdiagnosed with ADHD during elementary school, etc). i’m better now, but back then i couldn’t handle it. so i did what i used to always do—run away. by the time my panic attack faded, i didn’t know where i was or what time it was, and i didn’t know what or how to feel about facing my boyfriend, so i didn’t. i just stayed in hiding until my friend from my hockey team (and later that naked guy with the pornstache), a white boy with a sad caterpillar of a mustache, climbed the tree i was in—kind of a friend, anyway. i’m counting “first one to get hugged during a celly” (we didn’t get close until college).
> 
> “fuck. d. your parents have been calling everyone on the team and all our teachers for three days. we’ve all been looking for you! where’ve you been? everyone’s been freaking out!” then he took a closer look at me. “shit, you okay?”
> 
> i shrugged.
> 
> “fuck, i’m sorry. i’m going to get better at this, i swear. you don’t have to tell me anything, but just shake your head. i’m only going to ask you one question, and that’s it. well, after this one. okay?”
> 
> i nodded, bracing myself. i already knew my moms and principal were going to chew me out, and especially my moms because they were so busy with everything and hated getting interrupted by me and liked it best when i stayed out of their way, but since i was going to get yelled at anyway, it wasn’t like hiding another day was going to make the yelling that much worse. my friend could say whatever he wanted to me, since it couldn’t be worse than what my moms were going to say.
> 
> “have you eaten?”
> 
> i was surprised, and he could tell that i was, too, because then i just started tearing up. despite not doing much those last few days, i’d managed to keep from thinking about anything up until then, and then i just crashed (emotionally). everything just started flying in, and i shook my head.
> 
> sometimes i wonder if i should’ve stayed with my first boyfriend, because i knew he felt deeply for me, too. if i’d been selfish, wanting the way my moms were so open with each other in their affection and intimacy—wanting it more than i wanted him, i mean.
> 
> anyway, then he very carefully helped me get down from the tree (private high schools have the biggest trees, i swear—my friend and i were both over 5’10 and that tree still dwarfed us) and said, “i told my dad and that side of the family i was going to the bathroom as soon as the graduation ceremony ended because they wanted to go to some fancy-ass restaurant and i wanted bolocco, so i’m about to meet my mom there. wanna come?”
> 
> as we ate, with his mom tactfully ignoring my disheveled appearance, i could tell he very much still wanted to ask me something, so i sighed and nodded, and he blurted, “how’ve you been?”
> 
> his mom had gone up to pay, despite me offering several times, and i shrugged. “shitty.”
> 
> he counts that day as the start of our now close bro-ship.

#long post - #panic attack cw #negative - #food mention - #high school memories #my moms and i started really talking to each other after that #our therapist really worked with us to look at how everyone’s roles in the family affected each other #my moms started taking more days off from work and coming to my games and talking to each other #mama and mom (my birth parents) stopped half-assing some kind of acquaintance and made amends and then they all started to become friends #i still feel like i was being selfish back then #well sometimes #then i remember it impacted my mental health #and that it’s not one or the other but something in between or rather an interaction between the two of us and how we were with each other #nowadays i’m better at seeing nuance i think? #i know coming out is a decision that isn’t made lightly #but i think most recently i erred on the side of appearing too accepting/affirming and all-knowing and patronizing of someone’s feelings and experience with being in the closet #i overstepped and i’m sorry and i wish he knew #but given how he wanted some space #i don’t think he’s going to let me get close enough to tell him that

—

Wed, Apr 10, 2017, 9:06 PM **  
Rans** renamed the conversation **hauston we have a problem**.

RANS: so uh i know this is super short notice because we have like a week until the CHIRPP

RANS: but i changed the report drastically before i sent it to tater bc i very belatedly realized that this is not canada and nursey and dex were still underage last year

RANS: and bc i didn’t want tater to think badly of me

HOLTZY: If he did, I'd check him into next week, for fuck's sake. Justin, why does his opinion even matter?

RANS: it's TATER, bro

RANS: anyway

RANS: i took out all the alcohol references and just said that we didn’t think to control for their abilities

RANS: and they called me asking if holtzy and i (and nursey and dex) would consent to doing those on-ice partnership things at the conference, just to see if we could do a little bit of data-collecting there

RANS: but wrt controlling for ability, we’d pair nursey and dex with each other, then either with holtzy or me (as other d-men you’ve played with), then with d-men from the falcs and aces (as d-men you’ve never played with), then with two members from smh (as non-dmen you’ve played with), and non-dmen from the falcs and aces (as non-dmen you’ve never played with)

RANS: tl;dr would you be willing to do the tests again (reduced # of trials, obviously) with a bunch of different people at the conference

RANS: please please please i don’t want to pressure you but i really don’t want to tell them no

NURSEY: fine. whatever

DEX: Okay.

HOLTZY: Tango and Whiskey? You helped with running some of those tests. Would you like to do it again?

TANGO: !!!!!!! WOULD I??????

WHISKEY: Sure. That’d be pretty sick.

HOLTZY: Tango, I don’t know what that means, and Whiskey, stop picking up the LAX bros’ speech patterns. That's an order.

—

**It’s a Date (Reprise)**

Spring 2017  
~~Participants’~~ Account of Date #12: Restaurant (Wrap-Up)  
Recorded by Tango ’19 and Whiskey ‘19

Disclaimer: Neither participant could be reached for comment, so we have provided our own observations ~~because we happened to be there, since our boyfriends~~ ~~dinner companions please be professional Tango,~~ ~~lol does that actually matter to you since you’re just going to delete all of this anyway????~~ ~~Fox and Trot, developed an interest in hockey science research and expressed a want to replicate the original experiment for the Samwell Men’s Lacrosse team, so we took them to one of the date sites (the restaurant) and it just so happened we were there the same time as Nursey and Dex~~.

N. and D. ~~touched each other’s hands a lot~~ displayed overtly romantic physical affection at the beginning, conversing quietly. Both participants appeared relaxed and enamored of each other. ~~I thought this was all ~conjecture~ to you??????~~ ~~I was wrong. Sorry.~~ ~~When~~ D. waved at our table ~~, Fox and Trot tried their hardest to stay calm and wave back but failed and dropped their forks in the process~~ , and his gesture was reciprocated.

Then, D.’s sister rushed to their table. Whatever news she gave D. made him break physical contact with N., and D. looked paler than usual. N. straightened his posture and took a deep breath, which was when a woman who appeared to be in her mid-fifties (most likely D.'s mother) approached their table. The additional guests violate one of the rules, but as it soon became apparent that neither participant was expecting them, we have decided that this outing still counts.

 ~~D. looked like he was about to vomit~~ The older woman mostly conversed with N., ~~who was wearing a really cute red headband~~ who appeared to be mostly relaxed, despite the older woman’s unusually long pause before she replied to N.’s greeting. D. appeared to be squeezing his sister's arm tightly.

The newcomers parted approximately eight minutes after they arrived, to return to their own table. N. and D. did not return to their previous level of physical affection. N. kept attempting to make eye contact with D., but D. barely looked up from his plate, though they did appear to continue making conversation. They left together, D. barely looking back as they walked past the unexpected guests’ table. ~~The participants have not been seen together since (Samwell Men’s Hockey, April 11, 2017).~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many questions:
> 
> I wonder why Tater's instagram spelled "potatoes" wrong??
> 
> I debated whether Bitty would actually say "pardon my French" wrt actual cursing or not and decided he probably would not because he is an actual angel (I also had to keep deleting profanities from the lines of his protective bear mom routine, from when Nursey and Dex revisited the petting zoo, because I kept forgetting that I was writing Bitty, not Shitty)
> 
> How DID Bitty pay for the couch??? Why has he been talking to Kent and Tater? Why is he just in general freaking Jack out??? How can Jack recognize Kit Purrson's meows???
> 
> How often do Lardo and Shitty get together?
> 
> What's Dex going to do with pictures of the spider web???????
> 
> Why did Ransom name the chat with "Hauston" when that's the one in NYC??????????? Also, that part was entirely because I only just realized that Nursey and Dex are underage. I mean, I know the legal drinking age is 21 because I'm American but I sort of just remembered all the characters as being "college-age" and since I started omgcp as being over the drinking age but like also being the same as me (as in, being "college-aged"), I didn't realize until I was reading through the different wikia pages that they were not 21. 
> 
> I don't know how their ages slipped my mind when I've been calling them frogs in my head, so anyway, Ransom frantically trying to make things right is basically me trying to make things right because the alcohol stuff would've definitely violated ethics guidelines in real life AND I doubt they would've gone along with the conference if they knew. I mean they wouldn't have organized this conference after reading the thing definitely BUT they wouldn't have organized it even MORE if they'd known that. I hope this makes sense. I've been staring at this for too long.........


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: **Derek Malik Nurse**  
>  https://www.instagram.com/youarediamond/
> 
> [Moms, a creative use of Instagram, a return to Facebook.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than average by about 1000 words, I think, but considering how the last 1-2 were over by 1000 words, this should be fine. Fast update because this chapter was way easier than the previous one. I think what is going to happen next is the very last chapter of this installment, a brief interlude, and then the definitely last one for this series because I wanted the interlude and the last thing to be separate things. Thanks so much for sticking with me while I struggle to write my first multi-chaptered thing since forever (and also remember why I don't do this)!!! <3
> 
> This chapter has more links than usual because I don't think I described things very well. The links are to examples of the things I am imagining (pretend one of them doesn't link to a Spiderman thing because this thing that Dex is trying to do is hipster and romantic and Spiderman is not the kind of hipster and romantic that he's trying to channel). I would make the thingy that Dex did himself but alas, that kind of thing is not my area.

Wed, Apr 12, 2017, 7:21 PM **  
Noelle**  renamed the conversation **WikiLeeks**.

LANE: Where is that boy I want to talk to him

NORA: So do I

NOELLE: I say we call him up together and really let him have it. We could get the number from Eric

MARI: No he probably wouldn’t pick up unknown numbers. Even if he did, he’d realize who we were and probably hang up and then Derek would never speak to us again

NORA: We have to be more subtle than that. We could probably get into Derek’s Facebook or something, and he’d never know, since he never uses it

NORA: I don’t think it’d be that difficult to pretend to be Derek, right? Just turn auto-caps off and say “chill” a few times, right?

NORA: It’s been two minutes and I KNOW you’re on your phones since this is the Mean Mom lunch hour

LANE: You scare me sometimes.

NORA: But I’m right. Right?

NORA: Plus you love it

LANE: I think his password is just his birthday

NOELLE: Actually if it’s his Facebook, which he made back in middle school, it’s that one quote from that Evanescence song

NOELLE: I doubt he’s changed it since

NOELLE: Or is it the Harry Potter fanfiction

NOELLE: I forget. He told it to me once when he wanted me to feed his Neopets (which is where I got the idea for this week’s leek ice cream recipe)

NOELLE: And then I found out he’d had those pets since he was nine and each one was named after one of us

NORA: Awwwwww please tell me you have pictures

NORA: Wait no don’t distract me

MARI: Sorry I had to get more coffee

MARI: You are not going to do this

MARI: Any of this

MARI: Our son does not need us to fix his problems for him or invade his privacy

MARI: Need I remind you that Derek’s already a saint for indulging our hovering?

NORA: Sigh… I know. I’m just so angry

LANE: I’m glad he’s doing fine and called us as soon as he was able

NOELLE: Plus Will called for help and didn’t leave him alone. I guess that deserves some credit

NORA: I know, I know. Derek did say that Will encountered an unpleasant surprise right before

NORA: While I don’t approve of how Will handled that, I can see why he did

MARI: Still, I get where you’re coming from. I wanted to get Derek as far away from him as possible when Derek was describing the incident, too

NOELLE: The poor boys. When Derek’s captain, Eric, called me for my recipe, he mentioned that Will looked like he hadn’t slept all night

NOELLE: Plus, It’s not as if Will took delight in Derek’s panic attack

NORA: Yeah, I know. You don’t have to try to convince me not to go after Will anymore

LANE: The fight was never in me

NORA: You just go along with things because you’re a Hufflepuff who is loyal to me

NORA: But jokes aside, I get how you feel. I think anger was the first thing I felt before Derek told us the rest of it, like a knee-jerk reaction

LANE: And then once he finished talking, there was just sadness

MARI: A tricky situation, that’s what it was. But Derek managed to get out of it fine

MARI: I mean, he’s replying to texts. He sent me instructions for updating my emojis when I wanted to look for better “congrats” emojis to congratulate him on getting that summer poetry fellowship

NORA: Nothing about Will, though

NOELLE: Oh so you no longer want to hunt him down?

NORA: I don’t dislike him. I just don’t want him hurting Derek or them hurting each other

NORA: I don’t know where you got the idea that I’m vengeful/spiteful

LANE: Well, he’s always been reticent about his relationship with Will. He sent us that picture of them stargazing on his birthday and then that one his friend Chowder took of him ruffling Will’s hair and didn’t respond to our messages about the pictures

LANE: Also, you trained our dog to poop on our neighbor’s porch when he left his car parked in our driveway for eight hours without asking

LANE: And that was this year

NORA: He wouldn’t answer his phone or door!

LANE: He was going to move it and it wasn’t like we were going out that day

LANE: Anyway, I doubt asking Derek about Will is going to get us the answers we want

MARI: Will’s a nice boy. They just hit a rough patch, that’s all. They’ll probably be right as rain before we know it.

—

To: **Derek Malik Nurse**

https://www.instagram.com/youarediamond/

—

 **youarediamond** ∙ Follow

 **WJJP** There once lived a shark [S] and a lobster [L]… (Surprise. Love, D.)

 **12** posts ∙ **0** followers ∙ **0** following

[a 3x4 [instagram collage](https://www.instagram.com/crack_the_us_open/) of the Haus [spider web](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=115185545) (12 images total), with some negative spaces filled out like [this picture](http://www.equilter.com/images/products/CMSPDMBL.jpg), one filled-out negative space per image; each of the 12 filled-out negative spaces depicts a stuffed shark and lobster; the images are connected in a clockwise fashion (just follow the numbers)]

[Image 1: S & L with Nursey and Dex’s mugs, sitting across from each other on Dex’s desk]  
  
Sharkimedes and Shelldon have had a rocky relationship. Shelldon was pretty sure Sharkimedes didn’t like him because Shelldon had done some bad things in the past, and Shelldon didn’t know how to tell Sharkimedes that he loved him, so they said very little while they drank their frappuccinbros.

| 

[Image 2: S & L peer into Chowder’s fishbowl to observe a betta fish]

As they gazed at the fish (including sharks) in silence, all Shelldon could think about was when they did this last year. They had raced each other, and at some point, Sharkimedes had taken his claw and hadn’t let go. The only silver lining from this year’s experience was that Sharkimedes accepted Shelldon’s gift.

| 

[Image 3: S & L prop up small water guns; Lardo’s palette lays nearby]

The weekend before, Shelldon made an impulsive decision. He had underestimated healing time, so when they went to the paintball arena, Shelldon quickly bowed out. Sharkimedes was celebrating his victory with a celly before he noticed that Shelldon was in pain, rushing him home to procure the EmergenPeas.  
  
---|---|---  
  
[Image 10: S & L gazing at the Nursey’s galaxy phone cover, with Bitty’s thermos in between]

It was Sharkimedes’ birthday, and Shelldon had planned the perfect surprise. He had gotten so preoccupied with the planning that he had forgotten that it would be their first time out in public, and it was then that Shelldon realized that he was okay with that. That he wanted to be seen.

| 

[Image 11: S & L (& 2 SF Sharks) looking at a [zoo of stuffies](http://theownerbuildernetwork.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/StuffedZoo.jpg) with [a wide variety of organisms](https://www.instagram.com/p/9kFZzxk_rK/)]

Shelldon was scared. He’d come here before with Sharkimedes, and that had been bad. But this time, Shelldon was back with Sharkimedes, bravely holding his fin, joined by friends and backed up by yet more friends. Shelldon still didn’t feel brave, but it was the first time he realized that he could be. (TY J+M)

| 

[Image 4: S & L swimming in a mountain of prize tickets from the Samwell Arcade]

Sharkimedes and Shelldon were now better friends. Shelldon also gave Sharkimedes another gift. Sharkimedes thanked him for it, even though Shelldon could tell that he thought it was ugly, which was fine. Shelldon didn’t know how to explain it as a buddies thing, anyway.  
  
[Image 9: S & L with Holster’s microphone and a pic of Lardo & Nursey’s collab from _The Daily_ ]

They went to another poetry reading. Shelldon spent much of the time watching Sharkimedes soak in the words, almost understanding why words could be so captivating. Shelldon very belatedly realized how lucky he was that Sharkimedes gave him a second chance and vowed to make sure Sharkimedes knew that Shelldon loved and appreciated everything Sharkimedes had done for him.

| 

[Image 12: S & L sitting on the Haus kitchen table, with a champagne glass; outside of the image's frame, in the corner, is the Spider]

Shelldon was so happy. He had gotten more comfortable with being with Sharkimedes in public. But then Shelldon’s family came and saw him with Sharkimedes, scaring Shelldon badly. Shelldon panicked and took it out on him, who was only trying to help. Shelldon is sorry. It’s too late, but all he wants is for Sharkimedes to know that.

Love,  
Shelldon

| 

[Image 5: S & L on a toy boat, floating in a bathtub of water, not tub juice]

When they went for a boat ride, Sharkimedes and Shelldon were separated for a little while, until Sharkimedes managed to charm his way into changing his seat. Sharkimedes leaned on Shelldon to take a better picture, and it took all of Shelldon’s self-control to keep from putting his arm around Sharkimedes.  
  
[Image 8: S & L gazing at the Spider Web in the attic, though the spider is not present]

Shelldon had made it a habit to look at the spider web in their room every day. It was during one of these such times that he realized that he had good reason to suspect that Sharkimedes still wanted to be more than friends and that he didn’t think Shelldon did, which was why Shelldon needed to be the one to speak up. So he gathered up all of his courage and did. Sharkimedes kissed him.

| 

[Image 7: L is behind S, and their fins/claws are holding onto the lobster and shark kites’ strings]

After he got over his surprise, Shelldon taught Sharkimedes how to fly a kite. Shelldon had to be careful about how much he touched Sharkimedes because he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. Sharkimedes didn’t seem to understand that Shelldon had made a kite especially for him. Shelldon didn’t understand why Sharkimedes thought he wouldn’t.

| 

[Image 6: S is behind L, who is holding a tiny club and about to hit one of Ransom’s golf balls]

 When Sharkimedes offered to teach Shelldon how to play, Shelldon tried his hardest to hide how eager he was to feel Sharkimedes’ arms around him. Shelldon was so distracted by Sharkimedes’ warmth that his swings never made contact with the ball. Shelldon would have made more excuses to be able to keep touching him, but then the LAX bros came.  
  
—

**Derek Malik Nurse**

got accepted to a summer poetry fellowship! i have two more interviews for internships, though, and i just remembered i had some incriminating senior yr halloween pictures to delete

Like ∙ Comment ∙ 15 minutes ago

32 people like this.

> **Bro Knight** but baby nursey
> 
> **Christopher Chow** congrats!!! p.s. they don’t look that bad!
> 
> **Derek Malik Nurse** i don’t think future employers or whatever would understand that i was making fun of my emo angsty white boy band phase
> 
> **Derek Malik Nurse** all that eyeliner… what was i thinking. i’m so glad i eventually learned how to put it on right
> 
> **Derek Malik Nurse** kind of surprised i still have friends on fb tbh
> 
> **Eric Richard Bittle**  Haha. And then you’ll be gone from FB again?
> 
> **Derek Malik Nurse** duh

—

 **Respond to Your 1 Friend Request**  
View Sent Requests

**William James Jeremy Poindexter**  
Studies Computer Science at Samwell University  
Christopher Chow and 42 other mutual friends

| 

  
√ Friends  
  
---|---  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dex changed his name on fb :') (and yep that check mark is the radical/sq root symbol)
> 
> The instagram handle youarediamond is fake or at least definitely not affiliated with me. 
> 
> Also, not that it matters since you've read up to this point, but I changed that bizarre conversation that Jess and Dex have in "a matter of two" to be about catching [nurse] sharks instead of crabs, now that we have seen Dex's affinity for them.
> 
> Next (and last) up: preparing for the CHIRPP!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **let it go, bro** @brozen ∙ 16 Apr 2017
> 
> you ever read something that was meant for you but also wasn’t?
> 
> [A millennial romcom(?), YouTube(?), the CHIRPP(?). ???????]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This installment is finally complete! I still can't believe when I started publishing this I thought I'd written most of it when in reality it was barely half. ;____;
> 
> Next up are a brief interlude and then finally the super last thing. I promise.

**let it go, bro** @brozen **∙** 16 Apr 2017

you ever read something that was meant for you but also wasn’t?

—

Mon, Apr 17, 2017, 1:51 PM **  
Chowder** has renamed the conversation **white hauses**.

CHOWDER: LOOK [selfie of Chowder grinning widely, his teeth free of braces]

CHOWDER: [GOT MY BRACES OFF.jpg](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/40/6a/2f/406a2f6153687c19ecf58e866ec1290c.jpg)

SHITS: damn look at that face you are a goddamn sex GOD between the poles my good sir

CHOWDER: oh gosh thank you!!

BITS: Oh, you look dashing, hon!

DEX: You look good.

HOLTZY: I really want to squish your face right now

HOLTZY: AND kiss you.

HOLTZY: This is really weird because the only people I have ever wanted to do both to are Rans and Jack.

RANS: fair

HOLTZY: Because Rans is the love of my life.

HOLTZY: And mostly because Jack is Jack.

HOLTZY: By which I mean he’s attractive, but also because of his thing for blonds.

JACK: Wait what

HOLTZY: Speaking of blonds, sometimes Bitty, too.

BITS: Go home, Holster, you’re drunk.

HOLTZY: Occasionally Shitty because the pornstache feels interesting.

HOLTZY: Sometimes when Dex checks someone or Nursey when he’s just woken up

HOLTZY: Lardo, if she wasn’t so opposed to our height difference…

BITS: So……………………………………everyone.

HOLTZY: No, not the taddies or eggs, because that’d be weird.

HOLTZY: No offense.

NURSEY: thanks i guess?

NURSEY: has cait seen you yet, C?

CHOWDER: um yes

CHOWDER: i can’t tell you what she said

CHOWDER: but she is pleased

SHITS: GET IT CHOW

BITS: But not these next few days/nights, because we have to get ready for that conference.

BITS: Well, you can if you want to, but it’d help tremendously if you didn’t.

—

 **CHIRPP 2017**  
Private ∙ Hosted by **Eric Richard Bittle**

Wednesday, April 19, at 9:30 AM to Thursday, April 20, at 6 PM

**Providence, RI**

> We have a big two days ahead of us, team! Samwell alums are expected to either find lodging near Samwell or to bring a sleeping bag to the Haus the day before the CHIRPP; I’ll be serving breakfast (open to wall, whether you’re a current SMH member, from Samwell Women’s Volleyball, or an alum) at 6 AM sharp the next day to make sure you’re all fed before we get on the bus. The bus will be at the front of the Haus until 6:45 AM, so we need to be on the bus by then. Please bring everything you need, and get on the bus as soon as possible. Luggage Tetris is time-consuming. SWV captain Caitlin Farmer ’18 and I will be taking attendance at 6:40 AM.
> 
> Just as a reminder, the Falcs and Aces are putting us up in hotel rooms free of charge, on account of our dear Justin Oluransi ‘16 (Ransom) and Adam Birkholtz ’16 (Holster), since they’re the ones who inspired the conference in the first place.
> 
> Don’t forget to wish our manager Hex well wishes, since xe has the flu :( Xe is sad xe will miss out on the fun, but let’s make sure to tell xer everything when we get back! Our now-graduated team manager Larissa Duan ’16 (Lardo) has graciously consented to being our substitute manager for the conference. Her first act was creating a bathroom schedule for the morning of the 19th, which you can check here. Anyone found in violation of this schedule (seriously, follow it as strictly as you do the bylaws) will be fined. If you need anything, Lardo is the one to ask. But if she is busy, her assistant is SWV rookie, Jessica Poindexter ’19 (Jess).
> 
> I’ve already checked with Hex, and everyone has been excused from their classes, their wardrobes have been checked for suitable ties, suits, and shoes, and hoodies have been confiscated, correct? Let me know if you haven’t, because once it’s the evening of the 18th, it’s going to be chaos.
> 
> Please remember that while this is (kind of) a roadie, this is not a roadie like our usual ones. You will get on the bus in your formal attire, which means NO risky decisions can be made. Lardo and I will be checking your bags for banned items: Pixy Stix of all sizes, alcohol of all volumes, and chocolate (because I just can’t trust your chocolates to not be [Chocolate Russian Roulette](http://kargrub.tumblr.com/post/91273367390/tallestsilver-hotllamasex)). Any violations will incur serious fines. I’m sorry, but this is too important. I don’t want us to embarrass Jack or Samwell or the entire NHL. Or for any more people to hate us. Please. Half the sports teams at Samwell hate SMH, y'all. That's got to be some kind of record. 
> 
> If you need to contact me, be aware that I won’t be replying immediately—I have to bake more pies for the roadie and the CHIRPP.
> 
> P.S. Don’t forget to sign the thank-you card for our driver! I’m going to bake him some cookies along with it! <3
> 
> P.P.S. And for God’s sake, someone please tell Nursey. He left FB again.

—

 **ranster** ∙ 5h

BLAZE IT

[image of a fragmented Couch on fire, with Shitty kneeling in front of it; other than the fire, only a streetlamp illuminates the scene; across the street, Chads can be spotted peeking at the sight through the windows of the LAX frat house]

♥ 102 likes

> **omgcheckplease**  This is my new phone background.
> 
> **420pornstache69** rip 4/17/17, 4:20 pm. you didn’t make it to your birthday
> 
> **ranster** there wouldn’t be time to do it if we waited. we have to go back to ny immediately after the conference you know that
> 
> **420pornstache69** THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** How did you do this without anyone noticing?
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** oh that was v stressful. the eggs kept watch, while dex had a hand on the hose the entire time, plus two fire extinguishers by his feet
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** nursey and i brought the couch up to the front lawn
> 
> **holsom**  I accidentally freaked Rans out by bringing out a fireman’s axe that I’d bought back when I had wanted to suggest becoming firefighters.
> 
> **momfordsandson** rans nearly burned that too
> 
> **holsom**  Bless Rans and his scientific knowledge that allows him to start controlled fires.
> 
> **holsom**  Not that it was foolproof, but you know what I mean.
> 
> **holsom**  And then Dex freaked all of us out by revealing a bigger axe. I’m still not sure where he got the fucking thing.
> 
> **bringingdexyback** We would’ve been here all night if you used yours. We chopped up the couch (with my axe) into smaller pieces to burn the chunks one by one because it would be a lot easier to put those fires out, in case someone called campus po on us.
> 
> **takes22tango** i have a feeling we won’t be allowed back into the lax frat house for a while…
> 
> **ranster** why would you even want to go back there? they’re disgusting. they LIKE cold pizza
> 
> **whiskeytf** Cold pizza’s not that bad.
> 
> **ranster** FOINE
> 
> **holsom** FOINE!
> 
> **420pornstache69** FOINE
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** you come into this haus…
> 
> **420pornstache69** i wish bits let me take it home
> 
> **larissaduan** our apartment doesn’t need another smelly couch shits
> 
> **momfordsandson** …………lardo is there something you want to tell us
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Holy shit. Really? So that picture you posted a few weeks ago…
> 
> **larissaduan** *YOUR THAT WAS A TYPO
> 
> **ranster** HOLY SHIT holtzy is too busy screaming but trust that he agrees with me
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Is this why you have nights in with Shitty
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Because you’ve been COHABITING
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** and married???
> 
> **larissaduan** fuck you guys are fast
> 
> **takes22tango** I KNEW IT
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  You are SO FINED FOR NOT TELLING US ABOUT THIS WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TELL US EVERYTHING WHY WEREN’T WE AT THE WEDDING?!
> 
> **420pornstache69** lards? do you want to tell them?
> 
> **larissaduan** ughhhhhh fine. also shits you lost i bet that we’d be giving the news on instagram
> 
> **420pornstache69** but we also bet that i’d be the one to accidentally tell everyone???
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  So it’s a draw. Stop stalling, and tell us everything. Chowder, you’re on official reading-out-loud-while-I-finish-baking duty. Please and thank you! <3
> 
> **larissaduan** okay well, first off, there wasn’t a wedding bc we eloped. and it started as a bros thing
> 
> **larissaduan** i mean we were already together at that point but like the marrying wasn’t a romantic thing, it was a bros thing
> 
> **momfordsandson** it sounds a lot like a romantic thing… or at least the kind of thing only rans and holtzy could get away with being a bros thing
> 
> **420pornstache69** it uh later??? became??? a romantic thing???? what even are words brah. 
> 
> **larissaduan** anyway um
> 
> **larissaduan** we got married (aka signed papers) in like nov? i kept getting interviews but like not job offers and then shits offered to lend me his richy mcrichpants waspy whitebro name for a while
> 
> **420pornstache69** could not have said it better myself
> 
> **420pornstache69** also my dad was pissed when he found out i took his credit card to buy that hydraulic press and disowned me  <3 but forgot that an antiquated Knight practice™ stipulates that i get access to my trust fund when i either turn 30 or get married. so win-win
> 
> **larissaduan** only then did i start getting job offers, which is p messed up, but what else could i do? those loans aren’t going to pay themselves
> 
> **larissaduan** that’s how i landed the mfa gig. and then at some pt we were talking and realized we wanted to?? stay married??? even though i don’t really want to keep his name (no offense shits)
> 
> **420pornstache69** none taken, i don’t either??? but i also realize it’s a tremendous privilege for me as a rich white cis guy to want to take your name without any consideration of how potential employers will perceive me
> 
> **larissaduan** so… yeah. at the moment legally i’m a knight, but we’ll probably hyphenate at some point
> 
> **larissaduan** we didn’t start living together until end of feb?
> 
> **larissaduan** shits’ mom and my family know but we didn’t tell you bc tbh i didn’t know if we were going to stay married
> 
> **larissaduan** until we uh talked
> 
> **420pornstache69** <3
> 
> **leftsanfransharks** bitty is squealing into his dough. we both say grats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <3
> 
> **jlzimmermann15** Wow. I’m so happy for you both. Congratulations!
> 
> **momfordsandson** me too! damn that’s amazing
> 
> **holsom**  It’s like a movie. A millennial romcom, telling the tale of a marriage of convenience, with insightful commentary on student loan debt. THE BROPOSAL.
> 
> **bringingdexyback** Grats! And oh god, no.
> 
> **larissaduan** any more of those, holtzy, and welcome death
> 
> **omgcheckplease**  I’m going to throw y’all a party. I’m baking your faves next!
> 
> **ranster** you know, i always figured it’d either be you two or me and holtzy getting married first
> 
> **larissaduan** in vegas, yeah i remember
> 
> **takes22tango** weren’t you two in vegas to visit shitty’s mom for thanksgiving bc she was there for a conference????
> 
> **larissaduan** hahaha ha ha hahha
> 
> **holsom** YOU GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS WITHOUT US? FOIINE FOIIINNNNEEEEE FOR.EV.ER.

—

It’s the first day of the conference, five in the morning. The Haus is in complete chaos. Dex blinks awake from the couch at the sound of a door being pummeled to pieces upstairs.

“THE BITS. THE BITS. GIVE US THE BITS.”

He mumbles a quick apology to Chowder for stepping on his leg through his shark sleeping bag.

“I bet Shitty’s regretting how he wanted to sleep in Jack’s room one more time,” Chowder yawns, breaking into a full split as soon as he’s out of his cocoon.

Dex snorts. “I _know_ Lardo is.”

“Who’s up first for the bathroom schedule?”

“Me. Well, after Bitty.” Dex starts making his “bed.” “I’ll go up to wait for Bitty and see what Ransom and/or Holster are doing to the poor door. Can you—”

“Check the attic to make sure everyone’s up and we don’t end up reenacting  _Home Alone_? Of course!”

“You’re a saint,” Dex marvels, giving him a brief hug, before they start up the stairs. Chowder scurries up the steps to check on Nursey, who shared the bed with Ransom and Holster, and Johnson and his girlfriend Jackie Jackson, who slept on the floor.

As expected, it’s both. Ransom and Holster are pounding away at the bathroom they used to share with Bitty. “GIVE. US. THE. BITS.”

“I AM STYLING MY HAIR,” Bitty says. He sounds scared, but mostly agitated. “GOOD HEAVENS, BE QUIET. I ONLY HAVE FIVE MORE MINUTES, AND I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.”

“What the hell are you doing?” Dex asks. “How has Lardo not thrown anything at you yet?”

“She ran out of shoes,” Holster says gleefully. “And we need the Itty Bitty Fashion Committee’s advice. Rans here wants to wear a _salmon_ tie, and I want to match, but I can’t match with _salmon_. I just can’t.”

“What the fuck’s wrong with salmon, dude? Not like you had any problems wi—”

“ _No one_ wants to hear the end of that sentence,” Dex says. “Didn’t Coach Murray say that as presenters, you’ll be representing Samwell, so you should probably be wearing red ties?”

They stop shouting and look at each other.

“Oh yeah,” Ransom says. Then they walk away, like they weren't just in the middle of demolishing a decrepit wooden door that has clearly seen better days.

“The spare Wellie ties are in my closet, if you didn’t bring any!” Bitty calls after them. He slowly opens the door, sighing with relief when he sees just Dex. “You are getting two extra pancakes for that. Thanks so much for saving me. Lord, I thought I was going to be stuck in there forever!”

“Shitty would have come out with his megaphone to kick you out of the bathroom after ten minutes. I think he’s even more serious about enforcing the bathroom schedule than Lardo is,” Dex says, as he splashes water on his face. “Should I change into my suit and stuff after I brush my teeth, or do you want another hand to help you with breakfast?”

“Oh, you are too good to me. If you want to help, I won’t stop you!”

“I’ll be down in ten,” Dex promises.

“OH SHIT,” Holster and Ransom shout, running back in. Bitty screeches and starts wildly brandishing his toothbrush. They’re holding something. What the fuck?

“Is _this_  how you continue to buy all that butter for your baking? And how you paid for the couch?” Dex asks, gaping.

“Uh,” Bitty squeaks. “Yes?”

“WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?” Holster asks, as Ransom holds on to him tightly, to keep him from lunging at Bitty. Dex is just grateful that none of them is wearing their suits right now. “WHO DOESN’T TELL THEIR FRIENDS THAT YOUTUBE GAVE THEM A SILVER PLAY BUTTON?”

“WHAT?” Lardo and Shitty have peeked their heads out of the door to Chowder’s room; Nursey, Jackie, and Johnson have all come downstairs; Chowder is peeking at them from the stairs.

Bitty is impossibly red. “I mean, it’s just baking—I still really don’t want you to find and watch it—not that I think you will because I talk about crust a lot—but I only just got it last week—we’ve been so busy with the conference and everything that I didn’t realize I’d passed 100,000 subscribers—sorry, I don’t really—”

“Bits, you deserve a kegster. An EpiKegster. I wish we could get you drunk right now,” Shitty groans. “But also, everyone but Dex, go the fuck away. He has only five more minutes for the bathroom.”

—

Bitty has them all stand in a row before they all get on the bus to inspect their attire. Nursey ignores Dex beside him, who is fiddling with his sleeves again. Nursey knows it’s because the shirt used to belong to his father, back when his father hadn’t yet gotten the hang of ironing, and Dex is paranoid that one of the burned spots isn’t covered by his suit jacket.

Now Dex has moved on to pulling at his tie, which he hasn’t managed to get on properly. Since they’re at the end of the line, it’s going to take a while for their official tie-tier Whiskey to get to them, who had arrived two minutes before breakfast ended, and dressed to the nines.

“Here, let me,” Nursey finds himself saying, as he gently pushes Dex’s hands away. They both jump at the skin-to-skin contact, but Dex just nods, looking down as Nursey goes through the motions of tying his tie. Nursey doesn’t know what it means, to feel Dex’s warm breath warming his shaky fingers, because it’s been two days since Nursey accepted his friend request and he must know Nursey’s already read through all of Dex’s messages to him several times by now, but he’s never managed to catch Dex in their room, though he knows Dex must have been there, since his clothes and most of his things are still there and—

Dex catches one of his hands and squeezes, right as Nursey’s hands fall away from his torso. “Thank you.”

Nursey shrugs. “No problem.”

After Lardo and Bitty tear into Holster and Ransom for trying to hide chocolate in their cufflinks, everyone else passes the inspection without any mishaps.

“Where are you sitting?” Nursey dares to ask, even though usually what they do is just follow the one who gets on the bus first.

Dex’s entire face flushes. “Sorry, I—Jess wanted to use me as a pillow. But we can still—”

“No, I shouldn’t have assumed. Sorry.”

“We can take the aisle seats and—”

“It’s fine.” Nursey scans the aisles to see that Chowder has already sat next to Cait, and they look so cute together that he just can’t bring himself to call out to Chowder. Instead, he plops down next to Bitty in the front, leaving Dex to walk farther down the aisle to look for Jess.

He can feel Bitty’s steady (judging?) gaze on him as he pulls out his earbuds, but Bitty doesn’t say anything to him, just stands up to do a quick headcount before giving directions to the driver for Coaches Hall and Murray’s location.

“Shut up, Mother,” Nursey mutters anyway, though he still lets Bitty draw him in for a hug.

—

Wed, Apr 19, 2017, 9:02 AM **  
Bits** renamed the conversation **out of haus and home**.

BITS: Traffic jam, but at least we are literally right at the arena’s doorstep!

JACK: Nursey, I picked up your moms and we’re already there. Sorry I forgot to say earlier.

NURSEY: that’s fine, mama texted me. and thanks!

HOLTZY: This gives us time to really look at the outside.

HOLTZY: Rans, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

RANS: you want to get married here?

HOLTZY: I knooooow we said probably Niagara Falls, if not because we went there together a lot, then because it’d be convenient for both our families to come.

HOLTZY: But look at the dome on this thing!

HOLTZY: I bet March and April would love the acoustics in there.

CHOWDER: ooh are they performing at your wedding? cait knows these two other girls who are musicians too

HOLTZY: Sweet, hook us up.

RANS: it looks like a butt

RANS: i agree

JACK: It’s not supposed to be a butt. It’s supposed to be abstract.

LARDO: half my art is abstract and they all look like butts lbr

BITS: Please think more about this later, and focus instead on why we’re here today.

RANS: oh fuck i can’t believe i completely forgot

RANS: i need to check our slides again

RANS: WHERE IS MY LAPTOP

HOLTZY: FUCK LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CORAL REEF 

TANGO: um. i have seen ransom and holster do weird things but?? never in my lap????

WHISKEY: Or mine.

NURSEY: i can hear rans and i am in the front

NURSEY: sorry bits but you’re fined

DEX: At least it won’t be a hardship for you, considering your YouTube success.

SHITS: YEAH YOU GLORIOUS SECRETIVE FUCKER

HOLTZY: The only way to save Rans now is to let him guest star on your vlog.

JACK: Wait what

BITS: Oh god, not this. ANYthing but this.

—

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease ∙ 21 Apr 2017

Welp, I guess the secret’s out. Really out. Really Out, I mean.

 

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease ∙ 21 Apr 2017

Apologies, I couldn't resist the pun.

 

 **Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@kparson90 Jack: Sorry.

 

 **Kent V. Parson** @kparson90 ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@omgcheckplease it’s cool. either way, someone was asked and there was a yes involved soooo #PataterPatahter

 

 **The Providence Falconers** @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 21 Apr 2017

That’s all folks! Thanks for coming! If you still have any questions about hockey, just ask! #HockeyConference2017 #CHIRPP2017

 

 **Las Vegas Aces** @LasVegasAces ∙ 21 Apr 2017

Sorry press was barred. We wanted to focus on research, not players. We have photos/clips on inthecrease.org if you missed it! #CHIRPP2017

 

 **The Providence Falconers** @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 21 Apr 2017

We are very proud of #JackZimmermann and #AlexeiMashkov. #YouCanPlay

 

 **Las Vegas Aces** @LasVegasAces ∙ 21 Apr 2017

We are very proud of @kparson90. #YouCanPlay

 

 **Kent V. Parson** @kparson90 ∙ 21 Apr 2017

i'm proud of me too #youcanplay

 

 **Deadspin** @Deadspin ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@LasVegasAces @kparson90 @Providence Falcs ??????

 

 **Buzzfeed Sports** @BuzzfeedSports ∙ 21 Apr 2017

We glimpsed #JackZimmermann leaving the #CHIRPP2017 early yesterday. He and the people with him looked… disheveled. What happened? @ProvidenceFalcs @LasVegasAces

 

 **Deadspin** @Deadspin ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@NHL @BuzzfeedSports @ProvidenceFalcs @LasVegasAces all these pics are only dated for the 19th. what about yesterday? #CHIRPP2017

 

 **ESPN** @ESPN ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@NHL Would you say that the #CHIRPP2017 was a success? Should @NLL take up this endeavor too, mayhaps?

 

 **NHL** @NHL ∙ 21 Apr 2017

@BuzzfeedSports @Deadspin @ESPN No comment. #CHIRPP2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, when they were performing at Ransom and Holster's wedding, the Galendars were born!
> 
> NLL = National Lacrosse League (because we have budding lacrosse scientist twins Fox and Trot who want to do something about their Chads' homophobia. I mean their team.)
> 
> "Give us the bits" is a Steven Universe reference. Speaking of SU I should probably stop listening to "It's Over Isn't It" when I'm writing...
> 
> One day I will go through this again very carefully to make sure there are no inconsistencies, but right now all I ask is if you notice any, pretend you didn't. Because damn I love putting in all those details, but then I keep jossing myself ;_____________; [UPDATE 10/27/16: I now realize I was trying to write subplots]

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr! (and then talk to me because I'd like to make more friends in fandom!)  
> Main/personal: sapphee (this is where I put my lgbtq/asian american/social justice and steven universe/teen titans/sherlock/b99/bob's burgers/wtnv stuff)  
> Omgcp sideblog: brunch-at-jerrys (where I put my omgcp-related shitposts/ideas/hcs)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the fic!


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